All its cracked up to be...The Life & Times Of Someone Who's Done It All

Thee Trip....

2006-12-18T08:12:00.000-05:00

Yo, Japan is unbelievable. I've traveled nationally and internationally all my life and know every geograhic region or international city has it's own unique style and flare but I was not fully prepared for the cultural exposure I would encounter in Japan.

The plane-ride over:
I was complaining to MM why I had to spend almost a thousand dollars for business class tickets. Lets just say I'll never question her again. I parked at my office at JFK then began what turned out to be a 18 hr trip. I've flown to Europe many times so I was use to 7-8 hour flights, but after you pass the 10-hour mark I was starting to feel like ugghh...enuff already. You can only sleep so much, listen to an ipod so much, read so much after a while you just get antsy....and this was in business class. Man, I can't imagine doing this trip in coach. I did find it fascinated though to actually cross the international date line which separates today from tomorrow. We left JFK Monday morning and all of a sudden (well not really all of a sudden) it was Tuesday afternoon. We landed in Tokyo that evening then took another flight for an hour to Osaka. By the time we arrived at her folks house it was Tuesday night and 18 hrs later after leaving JFK. After all the pleasantries I crashed immediately. I woke up in the morning and realized it was Wednesday. I was just Monday morning, it bugged me out a lil bit.

The trip:
Her parents were very nice and spoke surprisingly good English. They have a fairly large home compared to Japanese standards, they also hosted a foreign exchange student from Vegas named Max so that made me feel a lil better. All the things you hear and connect with Japanese culture is for the most part....true, the constantly bowing, immediately taking your shoes off in the vestibule.

I couldn't get past one thing though initially. I saw NO black people...NONE. While we was in Osaka for the first 4-5 days I teased MM and started a daily watch for anyone with dark skin. Day 2...no blacks seen. Day 4...no blacks seen. Thank god when we arrived back in Tokyo there were plenty of blacks....even a couple Jamaican cats which made me smile, LOL...We stayed in a very upscale hotel for the last 4-5 days and it seemed like there were more blacks in the hotel than whites. Yes, it seemed like we were all looking or searching for each other, LOL. That definitely put me in a better comfort zone for the rest of the trip.

Overall Japan is amazing. We get so caught up with America and its short history, one can really forget about the rest of the world. Tokyo is so advanced even beyond NY, so fast moving almost supersonic speed, yet you travel like a half hour away you can be at a Shrine or a Temple thats like 2,000 years old. You feel like your in an atmosphere like 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' or 'The Last Samurai' when you explore the old ruins and temples. When you add that with the language, climate, the fact the they drive on the other side of the street and their steering wheels are on the right side of the car it takes some getting adjusted to. I loved it none the less though. I don't know if I'll ever be back in Japan but I'm so glad MM convinced me to go. She was a wonderful host and made me feel like a champ. Shoo, that just had me thinking... My 3rd day there I had two 80 yr old something Japanese women wanting to touch me and feel me like they had never seen a black person before. Someone said she hadn't seen more than 5 black people in person in her town since the war. Folks we're talking WWII.....Wow!

Today is the day!

2006-11-27T05:18:00.000-05:00

It's 4:48am and I am struggling to stay awake but I must. I have a 9:00am flight to Tokyo in a few hours and intentionally wanted to stay awake and by doing so I can hopefully sleep away a good chunk of my upcoming 14 hr flight trip. I haven't blogged in damn near a month so this is a good reason as ever to jot down a few words prior to my departure.

I have been off from work most of last week like everyone else, shoo I even cheated Tuesday and Weds by working from home (hardly working). Man, I love that. My Thanksgiving was quiet but really nice. MM cooked and we invited 2 of my boys and their significant other's over then my cousin came through. It was very relaxing. Good food, drink conversation and an overall good look just laying around watching football and movies on the plasma all day. So much stuff has been happening but it's so far removed by now its not even worth writing about.

Umm, so last night MM calls me and says she wants to asking me something. She's rambling a lil bit and kinda dancing around the question she wants to ask, then finally spits it out. "When we get to Japan how should I introduce you?" she asks. I say "Uh, what you mean?" She says "Ya' know when my friends and people back home ask who you are what should I say?" I know EXACTLY what she means but play dumb, I say "just introduce me how you've always introduced me up to now, what's the problem?" She says "Okay". Me being the sucker that I am can't let it stay that way and say I understand. I know what your concern is and I what your trying to say. It's her hometown, her friends, her family and colleagues. I tell her whatever suits her best is good with me. I tell her her I want her comfort level to be good (I'm NOT trying to alienate this woman or have her annoyed at me over semantics about what my title will or should be. I ask if she would be comfortable with me saying I'm her boyfriend (I can see the grin through the dayum phone) she says of course, of course, LOL. So good its settled, we'll discuss if the title will stick when we get home I say with a chuckle, LOL. Well, I thought it was funny, but not sure if she did. In all seriousness I've been thinking about it for a good month now. Considering the amount of time we spend together and our conversation frequency I do owe this woman sometype of clarification of where we are and just what the hell we're doing. We say that we'll wait until we get home to clear the air (she's afraid I'll be very unhappy there there and it'll be a disaster). You know me...anything to push that conversation off, so I said okay.

I must say I am very happy with my conversational Japanese (dare I say, LOL). She bought me one of those small pocket size cheat sheet books of Japanese phrases/words for tourists. It's actually pretty good and I've gotten a handle on it and at least understand the premise and the guidelines of the Japanese language. I called my mother to remind her I'm leaving the country today and of course she asks why I'm going so far and the motherly be careful. MM and I go up to Westchester to drop off a plate of food on Friday so she couldn't say too much then but did call me later on Friday night so find out whets really going on with me and MM. Mom even asks about NYL and of course I rush her onto the next topic. She still doesn't know to what extent this woman resorted to in order to have me or keep me to herself....NYL is completely looney if you ask me.

Well, its time to start getting dressed. I'm already packed and almost ready to start my 10 day journey to the Far East. A lil nervous about what lays ahead but definitely looking forward to it.

Time is whinding down...

2006-10-29T11:14:00.000-05:00

I'm really just enjoying the morning today; I have always loved Sunday mornings especially today when we got an extra hour worth of sleep. MM and I watched our favorite show, CBS Sunday Morning, walked down to our local fruit/veg grocer to pick up some breakfast items and now she is in the kitchen making us a big ole breakfast and I'm in the living room lounging around just being lazy. I have so much job-related work to do but I don't want to even think about that right now, just wanna enjoy the beautiful vibe, morning and weather. When it comes to both work and leisure things are getting closer.

I'm my line of work this is always the busiest time of year for HR. All the changes, adjustments, implementations for the following year are always rolled out around this time leading up to the end of the year. So right now I'm dealing with 2007 medical benefits, contractual changes and pay increases for the union workers, region-wide employee survey results (how the employees feel about the yellow & red) and last and most important year end bonuses. Since my area is the largest in the country (headcount/population) you know who has the most work as usual. I have been so buried with work that I've unconsciously let other prospective and more lucrative opportunities go by the wayside.

I don't really know how these headhunters/agencies actually get peoples names and contacts but I've been getting flooded for the last 4-6 months now. During my all important thinking and meditation time while driving and in the shower I've come to terms in what my dilemma is, which was always obvious. I want the money all these other companies are willing to offer me but I don't want to leave the job I have now. I enjoy my job, my company and all the convenience and perks it provides. I love the freedom and the fact that as long as I don't have to have a face to face meeting or conferences with anyone I can work from anywhere including my own bed. It's not even about the proverbial punching a clock but the freedom to what I want, when I want and how I want as long as the work gets done. My brother says I'm an idiot for leaving $30-40K on the table and a better title so he asks (which is a good question) "at what dollar amount would you be considered reckless not to take an offer?". I say I want the money badly but don't want to leave to get it and I've never cared about a title. I believe that a person's lifestyle isn't truly change until its at least a immediate $40K+ increase. Being in HR, I've at times, offered to adjust a person's salary in lieu of a hefty salary increase so titles are bogus to me. I know some of you find out a co-worker's title and say "this person is a ???", odds are they're probably not; they just have a bloated title. So that HR Director position in Los Angeles, I'm probably not gonna follow through, shit I ain't even following through on local offers much less one across the country even though it's definitely the money I wanted and needed. My mother always asks me what the hell am I doing with my money and why I am always complaining with a six-figure salary-stop wasting your money. I tell her it's not like you think but she knows me like a book as I'm sure all mothers do. Even though I have a mortgage, child support and the other regular bills like everyone else I'm sure its my lifestyle that does me in the most.

Now with that said, what I'm I excited about the most right now? My trip to Japan later this month. A $900 dollar ticket (I can hear my mama now, LOL) but I think it'll be well worth it. Since the trip is right around Thanksgiving I'll have about two weeks straight off from work with about 9-10 days of it in Tokyo. That's all MM and I talk about lately our plans and daily activities once we arrive. I know once the time does arrive I'll be super burnt out so I'll be more than ready.

My breakfast is ready so I'm off one and all......

Yo, I love The Bronx

2006-10-13T01:13:00.000-04:00

The Boogie Down, the BX, The Boogie or the plain ole X, I realized on this last trip that I really love this goddamn borough. It's just like a sibling, you can beat up on them all you want or call them a piece of shit, but.....let somebody else try to pull that mess. It's on! The Bronx is the same way for me, yeah it maybe a dump sometimes but only people who live here can say that shit......No outsiders!

Anyways, I was in Chicago all week on business and just came back tonight. Fascinating city Chicago is and I always enjoy going there especially this time of year. Fall is my favorite time of year anyway so where ever I go Imma be happy. Well some fellow HR employees of the Yellow & Red was also in Chicago like I was for an intensive labor training session to go over what the company is planning to do strategically in late 2007 in regards to the entire country's union workforce. The company tried to beat us in the head talking bout "we were specially chosen for this session....yeah right". But you can't beat going to Chicago with all expenses paid therefore I was in. So we are pretty much all hanging out getting to know each other, we've always spoken and e-mailed each other before but have never actually meet in person until this trip. Over dinner and drinks we all go into our individual backgrounds (none work backgrounds) so one guy's from Cleveland, another's from Baltimore/DC area, the third person who is a woman is from So. Florida and of course me, I'm from NY, the BX.

Well as I talk about my non-work background faces start to crunch up and make faces when I talk about my neighborhood. Since we all make approximately the same money which is decent(actually I make more than all of them) they all wonder WHY I chose to live in The Bronx. "Is it like we hear on TV? Isn't it rough there?". I respond "SE DC is still in 2006 a crack infested dump". "Half of Cleveland looks like it needs to be blown up. There is a reason why people call Cleveland the "mistake by the lake" and depending on where you go in Miami trust me everything ain't all what it's cracked up to be. My folks live in the suburbs of the NY City, but more importantly I've always loved the Bronx and its proximity to the city and everything else that's important to me commute-wise. These people and most outsiders probably still think of The Bronx in the 'South Bronx' concept of the mid-70's, graffiti on subways cars like its still 'Fort Apache' or 'The Warriors' era or something. Them days been gone! I begin to tell them about The Bronx since I'm an amateur history buff and ironically they seem fascinated or at least enlightened. Ft. Triyon Park, City Island, NY Botanical Gardens, Orchard Beach, Bronx Zoo and of course Yankee Stadium. All these locations are internationally known forget about just here in the US. Although its only one borough of NYC and probably looked at as the stepchild of the city, The Bronx still adds a lot of value to the big picture landscape of NYC.

My fellow co-workers never actually took time to realize that although the borough is in the name the 'Bronx Zoo' is actually in The Bronx and..... that the reason why people call the NY Yankees "The Bronx Bombers" is because Yankee Stadium is located in The Bronx.....Duh!!
Shoo, between me telling them about Harlem and The Bronx, now they wanna come visit. Now after my lil speech lil Ms. Miami wants me to take her to "the barrio" in Spanish Harlem when/if she ever comes with her Cuban ass, LOL. Can't front though she look good but too petite for me. Overall it was cool getting together with co-workers that you only have phone and e-mail relationships with. I enjoyed it.

Jeez, listening to goddamn LA last week, I put my name out there and just as quick this head hunter already has an interview set up for me in Anaheim, CA next week for an HR Directors position with "Limited Brands" for the So. California, Nevada and Arizona territory. I never knew this was the parent company of Victoria Secret, Yankee Candle, The Limited, Henry Bendel, Express and Bath & Body Works. The position is nice and the money is even better. This LA chick is floating right now, she thinks I might move out there....

I just spent an entire blog expressing how much I love The Boogie....how can I leave it?

My better half's arrival from Californ-i-a!

2006-10-04T21:05:00.000-04:00

My 'wife' was with me all weekend. We were joined at the hip until she left me again. Damn, I love that woman. I don't use the word stunning often in describing women but I must reserve that word for her. Since the day I met her she's been in my top 3 all-time in regards to quality of women I have been involved with over my lifetime. She may have slipped up to top two this weekend.

So Friday night I'm waiting patiently at JFK for her to arrive in from Long Beach on Jetblue. She arrives a half hour late. I'm looking at her looking up and down the pick-up area outside for me probably wondering where the hell I am. I think to myself, man she is definitely worth the wait. I get out, stand there and look at her. She stops and looks at me. Neither of us says a word, we just grin like crazy at each other, LOL...

Wow, I've missed her a lot and didn't even realize quite how much until we are catching up as we driving in to Harlem to get some food and drinks. Although absolutely gorgeous, Mica's (LA) a typical black chick from Los Angeles who does not want to waste a Friday night in NYC even though she just flew 6 hours from California. LA wants to go to 'Bayou' for dinner but I tell her its not there anymore. X-ray happens to call and tells me he's at Melba's so I take her there instead. The food is great as usual, she has the salmon and I have the shrimp scampi with linguini. As we're catching up and she's giving me my usual tongue lashings for selling her dreams all the time I spend the entire dinner looking at her and thinking to myself how I treating this beautiful woman so badly sometimes.

I worked from home on Thursday so I can clean my place from top to bottom and for once my cleaning skills were recognized when we got home, LOL...She asks if Im finally ready to stop this bullshit once and for all and move to LA or move her here. I've known this woman for years and I am still in awe of her, her beauty and sometimes nervous about how shesays she truly feels about me which can get kind of intense. We fought like an old married couple and made up just as fast. Our Saturday was spend at my mom for a few, Target, Macy's, Home Depot and my usual weekend errands. Saturday night we went to a comedy show off Broadway downtown after dinner; so far everything was going along great. Sunday we went to 'The Den' for brunch and she must of had 8 or 9 mimosa's. They changed up the menu from the last time I was there and it was pretty good. We stuff our bellies and came back to the crib and just got lazy for the rest of the day watching movies and channel surfing.

She made me dinner Sunday night before we watched 'Flavor of Love' and I just basked in her presence for the short time left I had remaining with her. LA was flying out Monday morning back to Cali so of course from the time we woke up Monday we both had that happy/sad feeling. I miss her now that she's gone. I need to re-think what I'm gonna do with her. Her and the other top two candidate 'Cali' I know Im prolly gonna marry one of them and head to the left coast.....but when is the question!

While I was at work Monday, MM asked me if I wanted to see Talib Kweli at the 'Blue Note'... of course I said hell yeah! The last time she took me to the Blue Note we were treated like VIP's and I'm happy to say this time was no different. A quartet was performing that was actually quite good. I'm always happy to see young black men in their 20's doing something really creative. They were really good. Talib comes out towards the end and does 4 songs which I really enjoyed, I'm a huge fan. He did all the songs that I expected him to do and the quartet backed him perfectly.

It's already mid-week and I'm having a great week already. Between MM and LA I'm happy for now and things are coming together on my side venture which seems to be breeming with possibilities and money making potential.

As I said to LA all weekend...."You gotta be in a NY state of mind when you making money"

A good night/bad night all in the same night!

2006-09-23T11:29:00.000-04:00

This past work week's been crazy. I had conferences and meetings with my new HR boss along with my other colleagues who report to him also. To make matters worse I've been firing a lot of people lately so this entire week I've doing termination hearings to determine whether I'll let them return to work. People lose their job for the most idiotic reasons but anyway....I was glad it was Friday for obvious reasons. Since last week I've been trying to catch up with my friend...no strike that. For the last month or so I've been trying to do drinks or dinner. We decided to meet in Harlem last night since I was coming from deep in Brooklyn and she was in Westchester.

When she finally did arrive she was looking very nice, definitely easy on the eyes which was a plus. It's always nice to have dinner or drinks with an attractive woman regardless if its sexual or not, even if it's to just enjoy the view. We embraced, greeted each other, had drinks at the bar then after a few moved to a table so she could eat. All very nice, definitely an enjoyable way to spend a Friday evening right after work. We started early so it ended early. My day was long and tense at times considering my schedule for the day and I just wanted to get outta my suit and tie. Ugh...I couldn't have asked this woman for a massage could I?...LOL. Gotta remember, next time we have to start it later so it can go later...LOL

So we kiss and hug goodbye and my blackberry is buzzing like crazy. My boy X-ray is asking where I am because he's been getting calls from yesterday up to just then from a chick I use to deal with NYL. Umm, I actually joked about this in The Den but I'm actually being "stalked" fo real and I don't like it at all. He's telling me she gotta talk to me, it's important, she's sorry, she misses me, she'll do anything, yada, yada, yada...Ugh, instead of thinking bout my friend I just left to contemplate whether I could actually try and make something happen or not I'm dealing with this nonsense. It continues all the way home with him telling me how unstable this chick is since I cut off all ties with her. I get off the elevator and go down the hallway, as I approach my door and I see something stuck on it, a piece of paper. She says I've been home from Pittsburgh for a week yet we haven't spoken and she has to speak to me. There is something I must know about why I left her that I don't know. Ugh!! Bullshit man, but I realize I'll have to speak to her.

Now I'm a lil worried. Mica is finally flying out to see me finally on Friday. Due to my crazy travel schedule for the past month or so since BG left, I've pushed back her trip twice since her original date. After all that I cannot have this chick just popping up when Mica's here from California and creating a scene. She'll be here til Tuesday too so what are the odds? Just my luck that NYL will pop up and get let into the building then start some craziness at my doorstep. So Imma have to see what the hell she wants just to put a stop to this before Friday. I end up calling her and the first thing she wanna do is drive back down and see me face to face. I say no, but spend 30 mins on the phone hearing what she has to say over this whole fiasco we are now in and basically threaten her if she comes to my doorstep again. Damn, how do I get myself in such bullshit anyway. I guess I don't know people as well as I thought I did. I'd never think someone that grown who is attractive and makes over triple what a 'normal' makes with a successful career would resort to such childish behavior when a relationship/situation or whatever you wanna call it goes bad.

My gut is telling me there maybe some fireworks next weekend. Boy I hope I'm wrong.

Thinking about my 9/11/06 travel day!

2006-09-14T11:41:00.000-04:00

My mom was making me nervous all weekend. See, I'm in Pittsburgh and have been here all week. I flew in on Monday. When Alex, my admin made my travel plans weeks ago it never even registered what day it happened to be on and mentioned it to my mom in passing as I do when I tell her I'll be outta town for a few days. But as her and Im sure all mothers do, she immediately realized what day it was and basically begged me to drive to Pittsburgh instead of flying for damn near the entire weekend. So by the time Monday morning came I was very edgy, pre-occupied and uncomfortable. Since I know MM loves "Flavor of Love" I had her come over Sunday night to stay with me just for company, it wasn't even about the sex. Actually I'm glad she did come because we consolidated our plans to go to Japan next month. She is bringing me "home" to hangout with her for a week and to stay at her parents house. Although I'm very excited about the trip, this plan unnerves me a lil but it'll probably be fine. She says her parents are not only comfortable with her lifestyle of dating a black man but since she's well over 30, not married with no kids they're just happy a man would still has strong interest to be with her (can you imagine that?...jeez Asian culture is something else).

So I my mom wakes me up at 6am 9/11/06 to remind me to be careful. While driving to the airport I spend the entire time thinking about my own mortality. Thinking about my life insurance policy I told my mother about the night before and what to do.....god forbid. So I go to my office at the airport, drop my car off and get a ride over to US Airways departure by my security buddy. We don't say two words during the 5 min ride over. LGA is eerily quiet, nobody was in there.....just a handful of people traveling like me. As I went through the check-in process I just kept thinking "what are the odds Imma die today?". NYL, MM, Mica, Erica and a few others calling out of concern didn't help either, but I just kept blocking it out. I am happy to report that I arrived in Pittsburgh at 10:45am on-time and safe. More importantly for my own peace of mind, I did not see even 1 A-rab within the airport limits. They gotta know they'd be idiots to travel Monday of all days.

So I'm in Pittsburgh all week working like a madman. Myself and 3 colleagues had to interview 200 candidates over the course of the week for a brand new hub/facility in PA. Thank god we're almost done now. I'm very excited to be going home tomorrow. I haven't been home much and just enjoy spending time at home even if its doing nothing. I'm meeting my buddies Just and X-ray then we're going to some wine tasting meet & greet in Harlem. I hope I enjoy it. I wanna meet my buddy up in Mt. Vernon, maybe I'll call her when I get back to get that drink.

Busy, busy, busy....

2006-08-25T21:29:00.000-04:00

It's Friday night, I am just waking up from a nap that I wasnt suppose to take. I still have my suit half on, jacket off but sittin in creased pants now, shirt and loosen tie. Those kinda naps where you just put your head back, put your feet up and it takes control of you, LOL. So, what do I do instead of going in my bedroom and taking off my suit,...sit here in front of my PC, typing. Ugh!!!! There is someone I wanted to see tonight who I haven't meet yet but thanks to me being Sir doze-off I won't even embarrass myself to salvage it.

The past two weeks I was in Detroit and Boston and what sucked is I didn't enjoy hanging out in the cities as I normally would have. No chicks, no smashes, shoo barely any convo. Matterfact I didn't hangout at all other than business related. I've really had an enormous amount of work the last couple weeks. My boss went for a VP position in another division of the company and got it. He has a Director level position available and he offered it to me. I of course said YES immediately but then he finished his lil speech. Well, Trev. the position's down in So. Florida at company HQ which is where I'll be also. Damn!! Shit!! Nothing but silence....all I could here is about $30-40K leaving the room like air out of a ballon. I'm not moving to no goddamn FL.....Ugh!! Sooooo, by now my 'old boss" practically gone, he's only here in name only and I am like acting director for the position he's vacating up here along with another colleague. Headhunter's are calling me and emailing me like crazy about other offers paying $150+K but I don't wanna leave my job, I love my job. However with that said, my boss' boss the VP of HR for the entire country (the chick I was driving around for two days) said I quote "I'm seasoned but not seasoned enough for the role" even though I'm acting director as we speak.

So until his replacement is named I'll be the sucker....this sucks!

Feeling up & Feeling down with some "Flava"

2006-08-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

My baby's gone and it's back to business as usual. She's wasting no time using the cell phone I bought her to tell me about her first two days in school. Damn, I miss her. It felt like when we finally got clicking on all cylinders; had our daily routine down pact it was time for her to leave. That sucks!

It's Tuesday evening and I'm half watching my new friend lay on the sofa while I'm sittin on in the loveseat with the laptop blogging to ya'll. We both watching a rebroadcast of Sundays episode of "Flavor of Love" on VH1. This chick is relaxing at my crib and I just met her yesterday. She sent me a note on BlackPlanet and we ended up meeting up after work yesterday for cocktails and stayed there for over two hours; we had a great time. I get a call at home earlier this evening saying "Hey guess what I'm in The Bronx, where do you live?" So she ends up coming over; no need to speculate nothing even close to sexual happening but stemming from her relaxing and sprawled out on the sofa in my white tee-shirt (she spilled an apple martini on hers) she seems to enjoy my company and my spot.

On Sunday I have my evenings all mapped out regarding the shows and channels I watch:

8:00pm Design to Sell-HGTV
9:00pm Design Star-HGTV
10:00pm Entourage-HBO
11:00pm Curb Your Enthusiasm-HBO (Repeats)
11:30pm SportsCenter-ESPN

Ms. BlackPlanet on the other hand watched "Flavor of Love" on Sunday and it appears this episode was the talk around the water cooler the last couple days at her job....shoo, mines too. Yesterday over drinks she was telling me that one of Flav's love interest contenders shit right on the hardwood floor in the dining area. That show is absolutely crazy and yes that chick definitely took a smell dump on the floor fully dressed somehow. (how'd she do that anyway?...LOL) I can only imagine that she had on a thong and a dress on so when she couldnt hold it any longer it plopped right out...LOL. I have never laughed so much over sheer stupidity in my life. Amazing!

After the show this chick gotta leave. I have to pick up my EVP of HR at Newark Airport tomorrow morning. I gotta look good for her so I need my sleep. My EVP says she's been hearing a lot about Harlem and has asked me to take her up there tomorrow for dinner after our meetings and conferences, we have things to discuss. To be honest, I'm kinda afraid where the conversation may lead.

I'll share tomorrow.....

This summer's been great!

2006-07-23T10:07:00.000-04:00

I am sitting up in my bed, coffee on the nightstand and laptop in my lap watching "CBS News Sunday Morning" which is by far one of my favorite shows. No chick here, my baby's with my mom since last night and I am feeling lazy this morning. I haven't written in my blog in over a month for obvious reasons so I'm due. I'm just looking back into my very first entries of my blog back in June & July of 2005 and it's almost like an instant replay regarding my baby girl and our plans, activities and excitement. Ironically as I was re-reading those entries it dawned on me that the other person besides my daughter who was sprinkled in throughout all those blog entries doesn't even exist to me. I dunno why... it made me smile to myself, maybe because she has not crossed my mind once in literally months until this very morning when I read what I wrote about her a year ago. I began writing the blog primarily because of her as a therapeutic way of getting her out of my system (she always wanted me to start one since she had a blog). Now, she means nothing to me. It's crazy how life provides us with life changing twists and turns and somehow we always come out alright, in my instance I turned out even better than I would have otherwise.

My daughter's been with me for over a month and we have about two weeks to go before she goes back home. We have done all our ritualistic activities which she loves and I think I enjoy them more than she does. Our favorite restaurant Edo's, Museum of Natural History, Bronx Zoo, Chucky Cheese & Playland. We go to New Roc City damn near weekly either going bowling, hitting the game room upstairs or playing glow in the dark miniature golf. I can't put my finger on it but for some reason baby girl was a lot more clingy to me than she has been in the past. Always holding my hand, always touching me, examining my face, eyes and hair (teasing me about my 2 or 3 single strands of gray hair), staying up underneath me all the time, not wanting any other female around me (adult or child). This trip was a little different (emotionally) but I loved it and embraced it. As many people know I am a huge baseball fan, it's my number 1 sport. I guess my fanaticism has rubbed off on my baby. She is CRAZY about baseball. We talk strategy, teams and line-up comparisons like she a coach or something. We went to the Mets/Astros game this past Friday (with NYL & her kids) she and was damn near leading the cheers and jeers for our section, LOL. My employer is thee official sponsor of (MLB) Major League Baseball so we've gone to 6 games this season (3 Mets & 3 Yankee games) a few I bought and the rest were comp's. Since I took her to Cooperstown this summer she has officially dubbed this summer "the best ever", LOL....that's not even including the trips she went on while she's been in Summer Camp either.

My daughter ended up meeting Moshie Moshie and NYL this summer too. Since baby girl loves going to Edo's which is a Japanese Restaurant I used MM as a segue to come over since she's Japanese. As a 10 yr old BG had question after question about MM and I even to ask if we're related, LOL. I tell her no, we are friends that's it. MM came over one night and cooked us an authentic Japanese dinner. It was actually cool and turned out better than I'd ever imagine. BG was very curious about everything, from watching her cook to MM teaching BG how to read and write Japanese. NYL has become something like an itch that you want to scratch. You're always going back even though you're fighting yourself not to scratch. NYL's in with BG was her daughter. She tried to buy her everything under the sun which I was a lil uncomfortable with but that's her MO so it didn't surprise me. Yesterday she gave BG a $200 Rocawear sweatsuit....typical! BG likes her daughter who is two years old than her so as much as I tried to keep NYL at a distance I ended up seeing her way more than I ever thought I would this summer. She thinks that bullshit she did has gone away since I've still been seeing her and been "nice" to her but it hasn't....not for me! I think after BG leaves I'll discuss what she did just to air it out then I'll try to dead it once and for all (not that I've been even giving it that much thought to be honest). My view is whatever you have done for me or to me from that occurance is done at your own risk.

Anyway I'm off to Target and Best Buy in Mt. Vernon and X-County in Yonkers. I have a day to myself and I think that's just how I'll spend it....alone. I have a weekend guest coming in from California soon and need to pick up somethings and how could I forget a PS2, LOL.

I'm in heaven this week

2006-06-21T21:05:00.000-04:00

Between my wonderful Father's Day with MM and getting my baby from FL today I'm happy and content. As I write this she is laying on her bed (I'm in her room/my office) thumbing through her many books and looking at me. I have her room decked out in all Spongebob sheets and assessories as well as a combination of Raven Simone and Derek Jeter posters. She loves it!

Father's Day:

On Saturday Bigboy's grown neice was throughing a party in the Hall of Fame room at the 40/40 Club and he invited me. He was at my house earlier tweaking my PC and basically chilling as my "lil" friend came through. She wanted to hang and was prolly curious to see Bigboy since I had mentioned him earlier in the week as an excuse not to see her. So Bigboy leaves for a BBQ and the plan was to meet him later on that night at 40/40. Thanks to MM, I never got anywhere close to even consider going. I am so comfortable with MM, I sometimes just leave her at the crib to chill. Thats what the plan was on Saturday. I pick her up about 7ish and immediately she wants go to the supermarket so she can buy groceries. She wants to cook me dinner. We end up going to Pathmark in Bay Plaza and she buys what she wants to cool. This woman knows my weakness and strategically exploits it when she good and ready. A home cooked meal! She cooks and bakes for me at the drop of a dime and Im amazed by how good her meals are. MM makes some type of Asian-fusion dish with shrimp & broccoli. She had me stuck in neutral with the "i-tis" for the rest of the night. Obviously no 40/40. That morning, Father's Day, I awoke to eggs, bacon, pancakes with fresh blueberry's. Overall I had a great day making stops at Cross County and driving up to White Plains. Nothing fancy just laid back, being at easy and enjoying Moshie's company.

Getting my daughter:

This morning I got to JFK at 7am for my 8am flight to pick up Princess. I got into "O" town about 10:30. Damn Florida's hot even at 10:30 in the morning. I got my rental and headed down to BM's house. As I pull in the driveway Princess is running towards the car in her flip flops. As I get outta the car I think to myself....I'm so lucky to be the father to this beautiful girl. She is a true daddy's girl, deep down I know I spoil her more than I should but its hard saying no to her and why not? Immediately, she pulls out her report card and all I see are A's and 1's all over the place. Her grades are perfect. Jeez, I know I'm a heathen and a bastard and don't deserve her but I know all father's say that about their daughters. So anyway we back and here at my apartment and she's wondering around looking the place and ends up watching me along with her books as I enter my blog.

6-7 weeks of just us, I love it. I looked back at my first blog a year ago this week and again of course it was all about my baby and buying this place. 1 year already, wow. We got a hellofa summer ahead of us!

I must be a glutton for punishment...

2006-06-14T16:50:00.000-04:00

I dunno what it is about women from California. They are no good for me yet, I love them. I dunno whether it's me being super vain and having the dreamy idea of having a good looking chick in from outta town and when my peeps asks me where she's from I say "She from Cali" so they can say "whewwww" or "daayum" or whether deep down there is actually sometype of dysfunctional fascination about attractive women from that state.

Well, I was in Boston a couple times over the last few weeks and met this chick up there online. "June" nice chick we didn't smash or anything, just vibed which is cool in fact, it's even better. It's nice to have a really attractive chick to hangout with and enjoy, without having a sexual past or strategically lining it up to smash. Anyway, she's in town for the P.R. parade with her girlfriend. She calls me, she wants to come through & see me before she goes back to Boston.

Sidebar: Talk about timing, my mother just left and has my crib smelling like "Mr. Clean" and "Dettol" for all you Jamaicans, LOL...My spot is super, super clean. As she said to me "I can't have my granddaughter living in filth so just move outta my way. Jeez Ma!! I'm not that bad, shit I ain't even here to mess up the damn place but in any event....Thank you again Mummy!!

Anyway late Sunday afternoon June and Maggie come through. We making drinks, eating Chinese, we're all hanging out at my crib then....."Mica" calls. On the house phone. I look at the phone. I don't wanna answer the phone but I do....

Mica: OMG you answered

BT: I live here don't I?

Mica: Boy don't play wit me. I was gonna leave a message saying I booked my ticket and you better not leave me hanging.

BT: Damn, already? We was just talking/playing the other day I had no idea you actually was gonna call my bluff and come.

Mica: Well I did you piece of shit, so now you're stuck with me for 3 days. I'm leaving out of Burbank into JFK so you gotta pick me up.

BT: Can we talk about this later?

Mica: I can already tell in your voice you got company and she's a girl isn't she?...You're such a piece of shit. You're a dog! Bye!

BT: Ugh!! I promise I'll call you later

Mica: Why do I still care anyway?....Bye!

My "new" friend June immediately reads the situation. She says "Why you let her do that? I can already tell you don't want her to come". I agree and say I dont, but deep down I really do.

Now, I have never written about this girl before on my blog but all my friends know her well either directly or indirectly. She's from LA and works as some kinda coordinator or administrator but from her looks and size, 5'7 & 130lbs, she definitely should have been a model or something. This woman "claims" to be in love with me and still wants to move to NY to be with me but that is something I cannot EVER do again. However, with that said I must admit I told Bigboy as recently as a week or two ago she is among my all-time top 3 women I've ever dated when it comes to physical appearance and personality....maybe #1. When my old ex from Cali left me and moved out for the last time, I flew "Mica" in for the weekend just because....Thinking back I probably shouldn't have done that though because her feelings intensified quickly (honestly mines did too) and I just wanted her for a beautiful distraction and a breather. Feelings was definitely there but I couldn't kid myself in not realizing this is typical rebound.

My boy X-ray who was staying with me at the time was actually "stalking" this chick INSIDE my apartment, LOL.. It was actually kinda funny thinking about it now but he toned it down after a day or so. During that trip and the next one they actually became good pals, LOL. But that's just how gorgeous this woman is... the type of chick who makes you stare just a half a second longer than you know you should, but you can't help yourself. Well, she continued to make suggestions and plans to move here with me but I just couldn't.....We still had problems because I had to completely flush that other chick outta my system first. I had to admit she wasn't outta my system then. NYL had just popped in the picture too so emotionally I was all over the place. I pretty much left her alone her to start dealing with the "other" Cali chick years back so she already had/has insecurities about that on top of the fact that now...years later I needed to get that same chick outta my system I left her for. Long story short, I basically deaded everything between us even though I had known this chick from maybe 2000 or 2001 because everything just got real crazy between us... quick.

So fast-forward 6 months later I just get a call out of the blue and she tells me she was watching "Troy" and "Last Samurai" and thought about me since she knows they are some of my favorite movies. Let her tell it she just wanted to hear my voice. Well, old feelings die hard so during our conversation one thing lead to another and I say "Ya know, if you buy a 1 way tix here, I'll pay for your return and since you'll stay with me the trip will be on me when we go out (it pretty much always is anyway). I said it as a halfa joke, you know what I mean, serious but not really meaning it. I didn't expect her after our conversation to go to goddamn Jetblue and buy the tix.... but she did. Hence the phone call on confirming the details....

Even though she coming under the guise of being just friends I know no good can come of this trip. It's no secret that we're hooked on each other... always have been. However, there was no way I could turn down such a beautiful guest for a weekend.

I gotta admit it....Sometimes, I'm a fukkin' idiot!!

Hanging out with Ma Duke

2006-06-09T23:14:00.000-04:00

My mother and I are extremely close...somehow over the years in my adulthood our roles have kinda reversed, Im the parent/advisor and she's the child/advisee-Don't trip though, she still Ma Duke when she wanna be and need to be. However, I've been rippin' and running for the pretty much the whole month of May and spoke with her maybe 3 or 4 times. I probably slept in my own bed about 10 days out of the entire month and she says wants to know when I'll be home for a stretch. I was suppose to see MM tonight but with the weather like it is it fell through. So it's Friday night I'm home alone watching the Redsox vs. Texas Rangers and Mom Duke calls...."Trevor, you home?" (Now my name ain't Trevor but she seems to enjoy calling me that from childhood). "Yes Mum I'm home" I say "why what's wrong?" She beings to tell me she wants to come over and talk to me and she might spend the night.

Now, I've live here for almost a year and I can count the times she's been at my place on one hand so hearing that she might spend the night kinda threw me back a lil bit. It was cool though making up a bed for my mother and preparing my daughter's room so she could spend the night. Glad to say that she was just a lil annoyed at her stupid ass husband and wanted to get away and see me and see all the improvements I've made over the last couple months. Her husband made like a custom-made TV shelf for my brand new 50' plasma since I didnt wanna hang it on the wall. Mom wanted to see how it came out. I'm grinning to myself as I look at her now looking at the TV....she seems so facinated, almost like a child, LOL...asking how the ambi-light comes outta the back of the TV like on the commercials. I chuckle as I think these are questions my daughter would be asking, LOL....

Speaking of my baby, we spend the entire night talking about my child's imenent arrival to stay with me for the summer, my plans, logistical issues about dropoff/pickup from summer camp, etc. We are both excited, no-strike that....all 3 of us including my daughter is excited. My yearly ritual of going to get her consists of a morning flight down to Florida, jumping in a rental and picking her up, stoping at IHOP then coming back to the airport dropping off the car then flying back home by mid-afternoon.

We had a really nice night together just catching up, eating, watching TV, etc. It's nice not to see someone no matter who they are just because of problems occuring or some major issue. We just hung out together as she looked all over like a nosey mom does to make sure her child is okay. I don't see her nearly often enough....I really do love my Mama!

Round and Round we go....

2006-06-08T23:04:00.000-04:00

Damn, I haven't written anything in over 3 weeks. It's not like I had nothing to write about, it's just been that I'm either burnt out from the day's/week's work to streamline my thoughts for a blog, I'm out of town, have company or just simply can't be bothered....

Work has been coming increasingly stressful. We're in the planning stages of initiating layoff's and doing due dilligence for layoff's is a MoFo. For all the money they pay me I wonder if it's worth it, but then I realize after all the complaining I do I really do love my job. Since my last post I've been to So. Florida, Detroit, Providence and Boston twice....all job related. A few months back on my blog I mentioned that my boss was trying to get me to move/transfer to California so his new hire "Golden Boy" from Notre Dame could replace me in my area. Well...."Golden Boy" quit on Monday, yup gave his two weeks notice. Dude barely was with the company 6 months, he's leaving to become a Regional Director for Pier 1.

Well we were at dinner in Ft. Lauderdale after all day labor meetings when this cat told me that he just accepted an offer for $145K plus quarterly incentive and annual bonus the Pepsi I was drinking almost came up through my nose. Funny thing though...I was thinking about it back in my hotel room and began to smile to myself thinking, because if this dude can get somebody to pay him $145K then I can get somebody to pay me $160K (I hope). I have everything he has and more experience in all facets of Labor & HR and he's working on his Masters just like me, but I do have to acknowledge that Notre Dame degree can make a difference.

I have discovered some very unsettling things about NYL since our return from DR a few weeks back. So much so that I have decided to walk away from this for the most part. It won't be a sudden break but separation has already begun. As I write this entry she has called me 4 times leaving 3 minute messages each time. Calling this chick devious is an understatement but she says she did it for love, because she loves me. She says it's all a misunderstand and she's sorry but its what I need to pretty much wrap this up whole thing up. I have to write about it at some point, maybe that will help get out outta my system but right now I don't have the energy or patience to. I'm still very civil and even continue to spend time with her but nothing like I use to. It's evident to anyone that it's time to bounce.

My Birthday Run....

2006-05-16T23:56:00.000-04:00

Well my birthday was about two weeks ago but I've had such a good run for a solid month. From like mid April I had been going out every single night which is very unlike me. Tonight is the first night I have been in the house all night for about a month and that's only because they finally got my special edition plasma TV w/ "AmbiLight" earlier today. I looooove my new TV. Between my new sliding door mirrors, new carpet, new furniture and new computer and office set up my apartment is complete now just the way I want it. I don't have any desire to do anymore fine tuning to the crib. Anyway, I digress, back to my birthday....

The Dominican:

Initially it reminded me of Jamaica being in DR, it has that type of feel. I was 85 degrees when we landed at 10:30 on Cinco de Mayo. I had a similar feeling when I got outta Miami International back around Xmas time, it was just a feeling of a big exhale and decompression. Since it was my birthday present we did exactly what I wanted to do, which was absolutely nothing. We never even left the resort all weekend till checkout. Hitting the nightclub inside the resort which was surprisingly very good, drinking Bahama Mama's, Pina Colada's, Margaritas and of course gin was par for the course for me over the weekend and NYL matterfact. She layed poolside and tried to get some color with her pale behind while she watched me do my laps in the pool. All weekend I loved swimming my laps then poppin up to see her just laying out in the sun watching me. I'm sure NYL hooked it up but the concierge had me set up for massages Friday & Saturday. Friday's was nice, pretty generic but Saturday.....Wow!!!

I get out the pool and head over to the spa/sauna cottage for my 3pm appointment. Here I am thinking it was gonna be just like the day before but immediately I feel something's different. My masseuse is already in there but 2/3 mins later another female masseuse comes in. I can honestly say that the double team effect they had going on was the best massage I have ever had. Both women hardly spoke any English but I still conveyed what it was I wanted them to pay special attention to particularly my legs. I was in heaven it felt so good and kinda napped off. I didn't even realize one of them was gone, but the one I continued to keep eye contact with stayed. She turned up the new age/ocean breeze sounds as she continued my frontal massage. What seemed like one fluid motion from massaging my upper thigh and groin area I realize about 2o seconds into it I was getting a "Happy Ending". I was nude and as hard as Chinese arithmetic as it was and by the time I got my wits about me she was in full stride with my "special treat". It wasn't just the usual up/down motion, she had some circular dynamic going on using the back of her hand and then the fingertips. Amazing!!! As much as I was on the tip of my tongue to make her stop I was just like FUKKKK IT.....Ughhhhhh! Between a 6o minute massage with two women in addition to a happy ending I could barely get my senses together outside in all that sunlight. NYL was laughing, she actually knew I was getting polished off and just wanted to make sure I didnt get any oral, LOL...WTF is the difference???? Jeez! LOL... Regardless that was the ice cream with the cherry on top for my birthday!

Philadelphia:

This past Saturday was crazy for me. My mom was getting outta dodge for a week and left for Aruba on Saturday morning. I was like "Mom I was gonna take you out to brunch", she says "you still can but it won't be tomorrow that's for sure, I'll be laying out on the beach having a fuzzy navel". So after I take her and her husband to the airport I pick up Moshie Moshie for her birthday surprise she had all set up for me.

She's been telling me for weeks that she's got something really special planned out of town but wouldn't tell me where or what. We are finally on the NJ turnpike heading south on Saturday afternoon. At around exit 6 or 7 she finally tells me where we're going. Philadelphia for my birthday. She hands me an envelope. I open it and take out two tickets for the "New Jack Swing-Reunion Tour" with Guy, Tone Toni Tony, Blackstreet & After 7. Wow!! I can't even tell you how excited I was, it was at the Liacouras Ctr in West Philly where the Temple Owls play their home basketball games. So we check into the Radisson downtown, relax for a few hours then head to the show. I definitely recommend it, the only let down was that Raphael Saddiq didn't perform with 3T-His cousin stood in and sang for him and they did all the hits. I kinda felt bad for them though, at first the crowd wasn't buying Raphael not being there but eventually they won everyone over. (sidebar: WTF you doing that you couldn't perform with your brother and your old crew at least for ole times sake and get some paper because you ain't really making none right now-that's for sure!). After 7, Blackstreet and Guy blew the doors off the joint. Teddy Riley is a true performer, he definitely gave you your money's worth especially with Guy. That crowd was all 35-45 yr olds, wasn't a youngblood in site and as my mothers friends would say, "This was for grown folks"....for sho!

MM really did it and I love my present. Man, I like this chick and her vibe. All my friends love her, all of them....Makes ya' think! But NYL really did the damn thing also and all my boys love that chick too, her crib and friends. Ugh! I'm tired of thinking, LOL....

I can't believe it...it's back again!

2006-05-02T13:08:00.000-04:00

I just left my office and I'm looking over my itinary that NYL just faxed me this morning for my birthday trip to the Dominican Republic this friday. Unbelievable! Another year went by already. As of this Thursday I will be crossing over into "late 30's" territory. Damn! My upcoming birthday has always been a time of reflection for me to take stock and monitor my progress from this time last year. Well I can honestly say I have no real complaints, issues or gripes about the "state of big trev". Professionally I'm where I wanna be, I love my job, I love my position and like my pay although its never ever enough, is it? LOL...Personally my plate is full but it always has been so it's pretty much business as usual.

10 years ago this time I was faced with a major crisis. Freedom or peace of mind, that was my choice. Let me just say I sleep well at night. Thinking back I am now convinced that others involved may not have acted as I have if our roles were reversed. It's all good though....love is love! Even though the Feds had me under maad pressure at the time my grandma kept telling me, follow your heart baby, follow your gut because only you can walk in your shoes no one else but regardless of what happens just remember the cream always rises and that will be you my son. Sidebar: Old folks are so wise, I guess there is something to living till your 70 or 80 yrs old huh?....it's almost haunting how they're so accurate sometimes. So anyways this is what's been on my mind lately, my transformation, my growth, my painstaking rebuilding since 1996. Sometimes I feel like my life was chopped into 3 separate and distinctive parts all crazy in their own right. I do know that the driving force, the catalyst for that change was having a baby. It ain't cool being reckless and crazy when you got a mouth to feed that's for sure...Now she almost ten years old, who woulda thought!

Surprise, surprise....Cali called me this morning to get my point of view on an HR issue she was having. During our conversation she tells me out of the blue that Imma ask her to marry me one day. Deep down I knew there is a good chance of that. I always knew that...I'd really marry that chick. I have never stopped thinking about her but the reality of Cali living in Oakland and me in The Bronx and that distance between us made that reality for us to do what we're doing or better yet me doing what I'm doing. Even with all that said she is always in the back of my mind. She said she's toying with the idea of coming to NY for my birthday. I paused....held my breath, then I punked out....I don't tell her I'm even going to DR much less that I'm going with NYL. She knows me all too well to know that I'd never go to DR by myself or with some buddies especially for my birthday. I tell her instead its not worth the money on such short notice but convince her to come see me before my baby gets here for the summer instead. She agrees, but inserts she wants to finally see my daughter and meet her so maybe she'll come while she's here. Actually I'd be curious to see princess' reaction to her....that'd go a long way for me especially if it was positive. My daughter's maad finicky too!

I am really looking forward to this trip. If it was up to me my simple itinary would be: Sleep. Swim some laps in the pool. Sauna & massage treatment. Drink & Eat. Maybe a show. Umm, that's about it. That would be a perfect weekend for me in DR or anywhere else for that matter so I hope it materializes that way. Due to NYL going above and beyond big time I gotta come up with some nice ideas for HER birthday next month. Man! NYL and I have been getting along so well lately I don't wanna rock the boat. Right now I'm excited about just getting outta dodge for the weekend with her and can't wait for this Friday.

This will be my last post till I return so I just want to thank and acknowledge all of you who have sent, called, given or e-mailed me your well wishes for my birthday. I really, really appreciate it!

I'm Tagged so here I go....

2006-04-21T19:47:00.000-04:00

Phoenix caught me out there...so here it goes, LOL

Umm, 6 things I gotta reveal about myself that I haven't told before. Jeez, that'll be hard...shoo, my life is already an open book, LOL.....In any event:

1) I lived in London for a few years as a kid. Ya'll know I got the Jamaican, Chinese connection going on wit me so while my mother was literally running away from my dad from Jamaica to England to Canada to US to England back to the US. So it was during that time I lived in "jolly ole England mate". I got good memories though. Can ya'll imagine me saying "can I have a cuppa tea?"...LOL

2) I had 5 surgeries all below the waist, each knee (1 ACL & 1 MCL), my achilles tendon twice and an ankle. I was real reckless in my younger years, late teens and early 20's and got injured playing football and baseball (often-obviously) in college. So if I ever meet any of ya'll and I'm walking a lil gimpy or crazy (shoo sometimes more than gimpy, an outright limping) please have some mercy on me especially in the wintertime, LOL. Can you picture me walking sloppy drunk in the middle of February when my knees are all swollen? Please hide the camcorders, LOL...

3) Ironically, I've had two attempts on my life, well at least definitely one real attempt, LOL. One in my "old life" and one fairly recent (I don't really believe that cat had it in him anyways) that I wrote about in my blog a month or two ago but that shit from back in the days....yo, dude was really trying to body me, son!

4) When I was like 6 or 7 my babysitter had her way with me, ya'll know what I mean. She was like 17 or 18. She used to stand me up on the kitchen chair and make me suck her titties. My mom use to take me over there for work or when she'd go to parties and stuff. Honestly I think back about it now and laugh. I remember she had some big ass titties and I'm acting like Im bobbing for apples, but obviously I had no idea what the hell I was doing, LOL. Check out how we (notice how I said we, right?) got busted. It's funny because even to this day I only remember bits and pieces its never continuous. Well anyways...the babysitter used to make me finger her sometimes right there in the kitchen on that damn chair, dunno why but it was always in the kitchen. Well this day I guess we did it later in the day than normal because in the car on the way home my mom keeps asking me "what's that smell" and "what were you doing"? I say "I dunno mommy" but she won't let up. I guess she somehow figures it out. She pulls the car over and grabs my hand and fingers. I told her what we had been doing as mom duke is making a wild ass U-turn back to the babysitter's crib which was really the house of my godmother and godfather. I stayed in the car while she went in but lets just say from then on I only went back to my godmommy's house with my mom present.

Funny thing....We have NEVER discussed it, ever.

5) For 1 time in my life and for 1 woman I was a stalker. I was 19 and in college down south, she was 27 or 28 married with kids. It was suppose to be like a lil side thing for her with her "lil college boy from NY" but of course I wanted it all. I wanted her to be wifey. There's no other way to say it....she had me open like a goddamn garage door, LOL. For those of you who've seen "Hitch" think back to the part when he was in college, that was me but not as corny (I hope, LOL). I had never been with a woman that old before, she taught me and exposed me to so much especially sexually. That damn woman almost made me drop outta college. I honestly thought I could not live without her at one point. However, as fate would have it I severed my achilles during football practice one afternoon and had a full leg cast on for 8 weeks. By the time I was able to walk again the fog had cleared and the spell was broken.

6) Umm, I'm running out of info here but...One of my favorite cousins is a lead singer for a reggae group. Back in the days when I was a kid the group was huge, touring all over the world, headlining big stadium concerts, they even won 2 grammys. This group is the only reggae band ever to be invited to the White House to perform. They actually played in President Clinton inaugural festivities. Twice! Now they not so big anymore, but still have a pretty big cult following anywhere they go. He always took me under his wing as a kid and young teen taking me on some of his smaller tour dates for like 2 or 3 cities. He was the one who exposed me to the music business and help me get my job as a paralegal @ Virgin Records drafting recording contacts & agreements and stuff....I love you D.

***Bonus-I'm a huge baseball fan, Im a big sportsfan period but baseball's my true love. I pay an extra $200 for my Boston Redsox package every summer on Cablevision even when I had to chose having 4 wings and f/f for a month because of it. I can sit home and watch baseball from sun up to sun down. I know blackfolks don't like baseball, but I live for it....I'm so excited!!! And guess who's in first place....say it with me people Baughhhsston!!!

Whew.....that's it people, LOL Don't worry! I ain't taggin nobody...LOL

Something old is something new

2006-04-16T20:18:00.000-04:00

I "met" someone this weekend, someone that I already knew....kinda.

This was a wonderful weekend for me. Although there was a minor bump in the road, the weekend started out great and is ending up very nice much to my surprise. I woke up Friday morning and I jump in the shower. I don't know if this is the case of everyone but I do my best thinking, have the most productive thoughts and best remember or clarify issues better either in the shower or the car. Well in the shower was were I remembered that I was getting my tax refund deposited into my account that today. As I lean over my computer nude and soaking wet I just grin from ear to ear to see my 5 figure tax refund in my checking account. Nice!!! I'm thinking mini-shopping spree this weekend. So you know I'm thinking the weekend is poppin off real nice for starters as I drive into work. Unfortunately that thought gets sidetracked for a bit....just a lil bit.

Later that morning I'm in a meeting, heated and screaming on one of my managers over some bullshit he did earlier in the week involving a union shop steward. My blackberry was buzzing so I look down to see it was the "Nomad", the chick I was involved with before NYL. She sent me an e-mail and I see her government name and think...damn, what could she possibly want, it had been a minute. Shoo, since our relationship ended I haven't heard from her in any shape or form for 4/5 months. We don't run in the same circle and have no mutual friends per say so there isn't really any reason for us to have any interaction. In any event, I open up the e-mail and read. Man, this chick is something else.....

She "respectfully" asks me to refrain from talking about her with people in general (I guess) and specifically with a dude who coincidently reads my blog from time to time. Yo, this chick is out of her goddamn mind, but after thinking about it shouldn't surprise me because that's how vain she is. I don't know if it was just some bullshit way for her to contact me after 5+ months or if she actually believed I had nothing better to do with my time.

Either way just off GP for contacting me on some bullshit that wasn't even true to begin with, I had to blast her by telling her what she could do with that request. Not that I was even discussing her or even thinking about her for that matter but never in a million years did I think she'd really, really know dude (until very recently), shit I don't even know dude other than his blog and had no way of knowing those two met and knew each other either. I've never had any type of contact with this cat other than the posts we'd place in each other's blog. For some reason "Nomad" thinks I'm either so bored or hurt or something that I can't stop talking about her, even though as ya'll can see other than an occasional one-liner here and there I haven't even acknowledged this chick in 5 months in my blogs much less write about her. Can you believe this shit? Unbelievable, LOL...

Thank god there was enough time, space, distance and separation regarding her and I for me not to give a flying fuck what she does. I know that my blogger buddy has always been curious and fascinated at the very least with this chick. I could always tell from his comments in my blog. I guess they friends now or seeing each other for her to be that concerned enough to write me about it to make sure we aint "comparing notes" about her (I guess). To be honest, I hope dude can get his smash on and then pass it on like a goddamn cold, LOL...

Anyway, enough of that....back to my title subject!

Later that night I'm reminded that my boy is throwing a party at the Kennedy Museum up in Harlem and I end up going with Dre', Chris and my cousin Corey even though it's raining and really didn't feel like going. Boy I'm glad I did, even though I have no idea what the hell Imma do NOW..... So all 4 of us are talking and cracking jokes mostly. We haven't been together like this probably since sometime last summer so we had a lot to catching up to do between all of us and plus we drinking and reminiscing (ya'll know how it go when you ain't seen your homies in a minute). Now, I'm not really paying too much attention to it at first, but there is a specific group of women who seem to always be in fairly close proximity to us even though we drifting all over the spot during the course of the evening. One girl in particular makes sure she passes directly in front of me and looks me flush in the face when she's either using the bathroom, getting a drink or making any type of move.

Now keep in mind I'm on my 4th or 5th gin & cranberry by this time and about 2/3 hours in to the party. She gets my attention and I turn around:

Jazz: Excuse me you're "Trev" aren't you?

BT: Do I have my ID badge on? (Looking down smiling) Umm, sorry...yes I am, LOL. Okay, I feel better now knowing I wasn't hallucinating earlier thinking you were looking at me at me for half the night. What's your name and were/how did we meet?

Jazz: No you're not crazy, I was. My name is Jazz, but to be honest, technically we never actually met. Do you remember me or do I look familiar?

BT: Funny thing, now that you say it you do look familiar to me. Why is that?

Jazz: Because we've been chatting on and off for like 5/6 months online and "spoke" this past week matterfact. My screen name is %&!$@#, remember now? Shit, I've sent you like 100 pictures you SHOULD know me.

BT: (As I stand back and look at her & that body it hits me like an avalanche)...OMG. YES!!!!

Jazz: I just knew it was you with them chinky ass eyes of yours and that smile. Damn Trev as much pictures as I've sent you, you should have been able to pick me out of a line-up. I'll give you a break only because from my count you're on your 5th vodka and cranberry.

BT: No my dear, it's gin....I'm a gin guy. Wow, I can't believe it. This is amazing. I'm shocked. So what do we do now?

Jazz: What do you wanna do? (grinning up a storm)

BT: I'm calling you tomorrow. You know you've just changed the entire game right? (laughing)

Jazz: Yeah, I guess I have (laughing) Don't forget about me. I must have given you my number 20 times in the last 5/6 months and you've NEVER called. You either be bullshittin, married or just plain scared.

BT: Trust me, seeing what I'm seeing now....you'll never have to worry about that again.

Jazz: Don't play. You serious?

BT: Gimme a hug, we my dear, are hanging out this weekend. Shit the last thing you need to worry about is getting a damn call. Them days are over.

Jazz: So this is what it takes huh? Well I'm glad, it was nice finally "meeting" you.

BT: Likewise....

She is really nice, great personality in addition to her face & body. That's why we always chatted. She kept me company many a night online while I was in some strange hotel room and city during my company travels. She was always my online buddy. We initially "met" last year on a dating website right after my break-up. We've always chatted and exchanged many pic's but never actually spoke or met in person. Man, that body of hers definitely had me wondering. The last 3 women I've been involved in "Nomad", NYL & MM have very light complexions and small (well MM & NYL are complexion-wise anyway) and all are relatively small in stature in the 5'2-5'5 range and 120-145lbs range. I miss dating women women like Jazz and I began to think about that looking at her walking away packing a very mean package. Umm, 5'7-5'8ish & 180-185lbs, medium brown-skinned and very top and bottom heavy. Damn I miss that!!

We did speak on Saturday, a few times actually and agreed to have brunch today. Since she went to church up in Yonkers she came to me and then we traveled in my car. She wanted to go to Harlem for brunch but today being Easter everywhere was packed. It was so beautiful today and I remembered this spot the Dee use to take me to up in New Rochelle last summer right out on the water. Very nice spot, scenic and quiet all you hear are distant sounds of boat engines, birds and some chatter. I suggested the location and she was all for it. So I put the sunroof back on the whip, put my R&B blend/mix of my favorites, floetry, Musiq, Erykah, India, Jill, etc and just let it flow. It was a nice ride up to New Ro from Harlem with us teasing and joking each other while she uses a playful banter on words talking bout she dunno how to drive a stick shift and loves the way I handle the stick, LOL (shortie JUST came outta church too, LOL) We had a good time though.

We back in front of the crib. Does she jump back in her car and bounce? Of course not....she gotta use the bathroom, LOL so upstairs we go. Im relaxing on the sofa while she's indisposed. She come out and says, "I really, really like your place" "It's really nice, can I move in?, LOL", "Typical guy, thats all ya'll live for isn't it...the TV. How big is it? It's a plasma right?" I say "thank you my dear, I really appreciate the compliment" She come sits down next to me picks some lint out of my hair and says "I really had a good time with you today, just think we could have been doing this for the past 6 months-you suck man". Then she lays the foundation, "what are you doing later, if you're home how bout I come back and watch the Sopranos with you since you got the TV for it?". Now it was my turn to say, "don't play with me". "Are you serious?" She says "you better have my nachos & cheese dip ready".

Well, well, well.....First my online buddy, now my Sopranos buddy. Umm, I wonder what other type of buddies will materialize....

Mid-Week Break

2006-04-13T16:02:00.000-04:00

Moshie Moshie is always taking me out, always giving me passes, inviting me to some kind of show or another so last night I wanted to return the favor. I was in my office yesterday up in CT and didn't feel like traveling all the way downtown to lower Manhattan or even midtown. I know Harlem Grill started doing comedy on Wednesday nights and I wanted to check it out since Capone is hosting...that's a funny dude!

MM lives in Harlem a few blocks away from HG so it was perfect. We decide to meet there to make it easier on me and even with that...I'm still running late (I always am). I tell her to go on inside and get some seats for the show since I have no idea how the set up's gonna be in there. She doesn't say it but she's nervous about going in without me, she says she'll just wait outside till I come. I never date other nationalities but black women so sometimes her behavior completely catches me off-guard. We get inside and I tease her about it as we are sitted then she admits she wasnt sure how "people" would react to her and wanted me to be there. I'm thinking to myself...wait a minute!! You LIVE in Harlem. What the hell are you talking about? But after we sat and as we ordered I started seeing evidence that she just maybe right....

The place was full to the rim but there were maybe 5 guys including me in the audience. There was some really nice chicks there too and here I am with a Japanese chick. I got some stares that for the first time in my life I didn't quite recognize. Then I started thinking, here I am in Harlem, in this black owned spot, getting ready to listen to black comedy with an Asian chick on my arm in my cuff-links and suit & tie to boot (a nigga did look good though, lol). The feeling was only with me for a minute or two but I did have to acknowledge it was "in the air". After that feeling past, we had a great dinner and Capone was funny as hell, most of the comics were too. I've always liked that spot, Imma have to go back more often. Afterwards I was thinking how my apartment was since I never stopped home first because I thought she'd wanna come back with me. (sidebar-All jokes aside, I really lucked out in the fact that NYL & MM have long brunette white girly type of hair and exactly alike. Their hair is always all over my apartment, they both shed like goddamn cats)

Thank god we were both tired and it didnt take much convincing that I was just taking her home especially since she was literally 3 or 4 blocks away. I dropped MM off and came home. Just out of curiosity looked around my apartment in case she would have came over.....

Of course, coincidently it was spotless (which is rare)....just my luck. Damn!!!

All talk of my birthday

2006-04-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

My birthday's about 3 weeks away. NYL and Moshie Moshie have been talking about it constantly almost to the point of driving ME crazy. Both are making significant arrangements for me on and around my birthday and with my flaky and traveling ass they wanna know where I'll be. I'm suppose to be going to the Cayman Islands for my birthday and the following weekend (I think) MM got this whole big shabang thingy set-up in MD down at the Harbor in Baltimore. I've been stressed especially from work so I'm excited about both trips. Their birthdays are coming within two months after mines so Imma prolly be spending just as big.

Over the weekend NYL and I go to "Sutra" down in the Village. It's a lounge, a nice lounge actually down in the village and I suprisingly enjoyed it more than I should. The funny thing though, I immediately thought about Cali when I walked in the place. Her crib out in the Bay Area looks and reminds me of this place with all the rich red colors and fabrics with the feel of a slight Indian heritage (red dot). I had just talked to Cali a day or two before so she was fresh on my mind. Even she toying with the idea of coming to see me for my birthday. (Ugh!! How do I get myself in this shit all the time) Anyway, NYL and I had a nice evening together, but my mind as always was in thought-of course. One thing about this chick, she always got some kinda story or adventure about her and her friends. Shoo, I thought I was bad with the crazy stories, but she's worse, she had me laughing and shaking my head all night, LOL...She needed some house work, plastering/painting work in her house. NYL loves the way my condo looks and knows my mothers husband did all the work so she wanted to use him. Happy to say all parties was happy, especially her with the work he did and "Ricky Ricardo" was too since he getting some nice side money. Ma Dukes husband is from South America and although they been married for 20 yrs dude still has an accent and he definitely be acting crazy sometimes. No... all the time, so that's what she was laughing about and telling me about as we were getting more full and of course...drunk.

Umm, I know this woman is very attached to me. I know what NYL wants. Me-100%. I hate to say it... I don't think it's gonna happen anytime soon. I do love the convenience, the comfort, the gifts, yada yada yada but I go back and forth about maybe cutting her lose this summer. She's always forced this, our exclusive relationship from what feels like day 1, I've tried to "drink the koolaid" a few times but the juice kept coming back up. So now I'm getting concerned. Her kids really like me. She involves me all the time in some legal/real estate issues/business and getting my advice as her "partner". I know it's a good thing I suppose but messing with her she convinced me to buy another condo in downtown BK so I put in a bid price, so we'll see if they accept it. (Sidebar-I'll need a goddamn tenant for the unit if I get it so ya'll better keep reading, LOL) Something within me just won't embrace this situation 100% hook, line & sinker to fully commit. I think I just enjoy my freedom too much right now plus summer's coming damn it but according to her she's "happy and secure" whatever that means... so I'll leave well enough alone.

I'm daydreaming about the Cayman's though....I can't wait.

Peace of Mind

2006-04-02T21:04:00.000-04:00

As I sit here for this post I feel relaxed and have peace of mind again. This damn I-9 audit has been keeping me up nights for the past 2 to 3 weeks. My volume of employees in my region is the highest in the country so I've had more pressure than everyone else to get my audit done compared to other managers say, in the Midwest who have maybe 500-600 employees. My boss is was nervous for me and my other colleagues who also report to him because no one else in the country has as many employees as us and therefore not nearly as much work. Homeland Security has given my company until 4/1/06 to complete the nationwide I-9 audit to submit to the government.

2859 employees have the necessary documentation to work in the US. I am done.

Although I was back and forth in Philadelphia & Hartford, CT for the past week or two on company business I did have some fun this past week. Moshie Moshie invited me down the Blue Note on Wednesday to see Take 6. I've always liked Take 6 from back in the days so I wanted to make sure I was back in time to see them. I know she does a lot of business with the Blue Note so the comps to see the show made sense. We had a good table, drinks and the show was great. Afterwards, when they saw her they damn near ran over picked her up, hugging and kissing this chick like she was a long lost member of the group. As she introduced me to everyone she explains the little kissy-face session saying that she was their exclusive booking agent back in their heyday along with one of the group members brother, Brian McKnight. (Sidebar-Damn, if Brian McKnight was MY younger brother, my group wouldn't be doing Tuesday and Wednesday dates at the Blue Note that's for sure, LOL).

Overall definitely a good night. In the back of my mind I'm wondering what kinda conversation we'll have as I'm driving home since she's sleeping over only because Moshie Moshie and I seem to be having some real douzies lately. Glad to say no emotional stuff tonight and very light bubbly conversation. As we're heading uptown on the FDR in a brief patch of silence I pop in "Ready to die". So as "gimme the loot" comes on Moshie Moshie begins to mouth the lyrics in silence word for word as her head's turned looking out onto the East River. I'm just looking at this Japanese chick recite "gimme the loot" word for word bobbin' her head and that shit just cracks me up. "Juicy" okay, "Big Poppa" okay, everyone knows those lyrics but I didn't expect her to know "gimme the loot" not as an Asian chick whose only been in America for two years. I don't know why but that shit just made me grin. Don't ask me how or why but she's gettin just as much time in as my halfa-pizan, NYL who by the way made me very annoyed this week so I'm not even gonna discuss her. X-ray keeps reminding me just don't blow it up until AFTER your birthday in May, I've been telling her exactly what to get you. "You're as straight as 6 o'clock" he says. I know what side of the bread my butter's on and I'm not letting that chick go nowhere. However with that said, NYL does try my patience sometimes though. But as long as I'm still attracted to her and that money continues to flow both ways with us (which I love) I don't think either one of us are going anywhere. I really enjoy and have gotten used to not being on the hook financially for EVERYTHING. It's refreshing. As I chuckle to myself I can only imagine what the next dude is going through with my ex (or whatever it was) right about now, LOL. I'm sooo glad that bullshit is over with, LOL....

Time to watch the Sopranos...

My Weekend

2006-03-22T15:47:00.000-05:00

I know I'm maad late but since I just read ChezNiki's post I figured I'd recap my last weekend.

Thank god I've been in town pretty much for the last two weeks for the most part. I've had a lot of stress though because my region which has almost 3k employees is going through an I-9 audit. For those of you who do not know what that is, it's the documentation all employees must provide to prove that they are authorized to work in the US. Well, the Dept. of Labor is doing a company-wide audit of our 25K employees and I'm up to bat so of course its been driving me crazy to make sure we haven't hired any illegal Mexican with no proper ID, LOL..its not hard work just god damn tedious, remember it is 3K employees.

NYL sister's husband works at PC Richards, boy why did she tell me that! So of course, since I got a boat load of money recently between my company bonus and my tax return, the money has been itching in my hand so to speak, LOL...I already have a big screen TV but it's an LCD not a plasma so now since I got this 60% off (just for April & May) all PC Richard merchandise via dude, I think Imma get me a plasma around the same size as my LCD (why go smaller now) of about 50 inches. So that's what we did Saturday just window shop @ PCR, writing down model numbers so we can give dude when I give him the money. She writing down model numbers of everything she cooping refrigerators, freezers, sound systems, shoo you name it and me....the plasma. I did my Saturday errands then we go to Morton's Steakhouse up in White Plains. I love that place. I know we were going back to her place afterwards and although NYL wanted to go into the city I wanted to stay local or relatively local.

The night before on Friday, I'm working in Brooklyn and I get a text...it's ChezNiki. It's Friday night about 6ish, she's in town, already in Harlem and wants to meet up. She took the bus in and got bags galore so she wanted to stay local. We decide to meet at The Den since the last time, because of similar circumstances she wanted to stay in Harlem again so we met at Moca's. I'm waiting for her at the bar and about 2 drinks in she comes in the door with maad bags, I was like damn, think I asked her if she wants to move in with me, LOL. Anyway, dinner and convo was great as usual cracking jokes over dinner. I took her uptown to her peoples at Yankee Stadium and what seemed like right on queue as I was pulling off I get a text from Moshie Moshie. She's down at the Blue Note and wants to know if I'm still in the city so I can have a drink and hear one of the acts she book for the weekend. I tell her I don't feel like driving back down to the Village from The Bronx so the perfect chick she is she recommended another lounge on Broadway in the low 100's to meet at since she wanted to head back uptown anyway. I like the way she looks. Although she's Japanese her skin tone and hue is darker like she's mixed with something else.

Anyway we in the spot, I could barely find the damn thing and she whispers in my ear "did you find my bra & panties I left by mistake at your place?". Uh huh, I was like "yes I did"...."wassup with that?" I forgot to put that back in my bag because I had brought a couple to choose from to wear for you. I told her I love the panty set but it wasn't funny and if she does it again Imma burn the shits and through it in the incinerator, of course I told it as a joke but held eye contact long enough for her to understand I had a problem with it. Typical Asian chick, she was almost bowing as she was saying she'll never do it again, LOL...I had to laugh at myself. I like and am attracted to beautiful, strong willed, intelligent black women who can teach me something as I'm teaching them. I love black women period and their bodies at that. That's why deep down I know Moshie Moshie can never be my girl but damn I do love hanging out with this chick. All night we talked about so many different topic's I can't even remember. She even wants to bring me to Japan to meet her folks and expose me to Tokyo and Osaka. To be truthfully honest...I'd like to go!

My hands are full

2006-03-05T22:49:00.000-05:00

Moshie Moshie aka "Suzie" is a bad chick. I can no longer deny that. Funny, attractive, interesting and best of all treats me like a champ everytime she sees me. Just like X-ray and I got nicknames for his chicks we've got nicknames for mines too. Moshie Moshie means hello in Japanese (only for telephone use though, not hello in person). She's been teaching X and I Japanese from day 1 and that's what we've always call her since X and I both butchering her real name. I know she Japanese but she's so cool. I don't know if it's because she's in the music business but shortie is maad laid back, I love that about her. I know deep down I'm fascinated by her. I love her spirit, it's so free. We don't speak everyday but it's probably 3 or 4 times a week. I was in Cincinnati for a few days last week and she was hittin me up on my blackberry like crazy. She has a sidekick and since she found out we both use T-Mobile as our provider my texts from her has doubled...not that I mind though. I hadn't seen her for a minute since I've been out of town in Cleveland and Cincinnati and came back the end of last week. Well, I was meeting up with Bigboy on Friday because he had some chicks coming in from Atlanta and needed an extra dude to ride shot gun dealing with his out of town chicks. I ended up doing a two-fer-one. Lets knock out two "dates" in one night. Moshie Moshie wanted to hook him up with one of her Asian girlfriends so we did a after meet and greet right after work about 6ish at this really nice lounge down in the 20's that played live music, mostly Jazz. Moshie moshie knows some really nice hangout spots, lounges and bars I guess since she's a booking agent for Rap, Jazz, Gospel and R&B artists.

We really had a great time. No awkward moments, conversation was flowing. All four of us were drinking and talking together and independently with one another. Moshie moshie was sending me texts to my blackberry as she sat across from me in the couches we were sitting in telling me what she wanted to do to me later that night (she assumed she was coming home with me). Bigboy and her friend thought I was an idiot or crazy, grinning and chuckling every two minutes looking at what she wrote. I'm happy with the way the evening turned out. Bigboy bought a brand-new Expedition, which was right outside the lounge. That was like the icing on the cake for MM's friend, she was diggin him anyway but that was the final nail in the coffin. He'll be smashing that within 2 dates. Okay, since MM lives in Harlem which is where bigboy wanted to meet his chicks I took MM home. On the way from the 20's to the 120's she through the concept of "us" out there...I don't know why, I'm NEVER ready for these type of conversations.

MM: You know I love spending time with you, right? I was thinking while you were away. I realized that we've never had a bad time together, even if we don't do anything and just chillout at your apartment or mines I always am happy and excited to see you. I want to show you how much tonight. I will give you those full body massages you like so much and show you how much I've missed you while you were gone.

BT: Umm, Wow! Damn MM, I'd love to but....we can't do it to night I gotta go someplace with Bigboy, thats why we left from the spot so early (it was like 9ish now). But I really appreciate what you just said....Wow!

MM: I want you to think about something. I know your super busy with your job and to add to that I get the feeling that I am not the only one you're dating and I completely respect that. But I want you to know that I am not seeing anyone else and have no desire to see or date anyone else but you and would like to know what your feelings are towards me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I really like you and want to know if your interested in sometype of relationship with me. No ultimatums, no musthaves, I was just curious about how you REALLY felt about me because you know or should know I really like you. I always have.

BT: Wow! I'm speechless. Are you saying you wanna be my girl?

MM: Yes, absolutely....but only if your okay with it.

BT: (in my head-how can this be?...Dayum, not again!!) You've given me a lot to think about tonight. Can we talk about this next week?

MM: Of course. I just wanted to put it out there, thats all. Most importantly though I don't want anything to change. I'm just fine the way things are but I am open to more if you want more too. When you and Bigboy are finished later can you come and get me so I can sleep over tonight?

BT: I'll try to call you from where ever we end up. Okay?

I never did call her. I knew the conversation would continue if she came over even if it was raised innocently and I wasn't ready for where the coversation would go. If Imma be in a full blown relationship its gonna be with NYL not her. But damn I like spending time with her and now I'm a lil hooked too. No, I'm hooked period. She damn near be waiting on me hand & foot treating a dude like a King n' shit. I'm not ready to give up NYL by any stretch of the imagination and will probably just make her wifey in another month or so, but I do like MM alot and was hoping to rock with that a lil while longer. Man, between the Job, traveling, NYL & MM my life is completely full. Full to the rim actually. Shoo, there is a reason I've been reduced to writing in my blog every two weeks.

The Match-Up Game

2006-02-20T21:41:00.000-05:00

For the past week I've been pluggin' in a few of my boys with my friends "friends". Sometimes it gets ridiculous, you know how that madness usually develops when your boy or girlfriend keeps asking "did you do it yet?", "Is it set up yet?" "wassup man, what'd he/she say?" "how does he/she look in person?" etc, etc.

My Japanese chick, Suzie, saw a picture of me and Bigboy then mentioned him to her girlfriend. I had met her girlfriend just before I went to Cleveland while at the Blue Note. I'm not sure what it is but it seems like Suzie and her whole team of Japanese friends exclusively date black dudes...I like that. Obviously her friend must like 'em big just like the other chick who was diggin my brother at The Den. So they both want to meet Bigboy, jeez why I tell him, huh?...LOL. I do know he's mad curious (as he should be) about dating Asian women and confirming whether the rumors were true but he was cool about it. I did let him know though what he maybe in for from an authentic born and raised Japanese woman and not one just from Japanese ancestry born here. Suzie is booking agent for several concert and hall venues here in the city including the Blue Note. She's always leaving me weekly comps for the Blue Note, but ain't really trying to be in there like that for two reasons, 1.) I'm still attempting to keep this situation as platonic as I can; 2.) My ex likes to frequent that spot from time to time and I have absolutely no desire to see her. All 4 of us are suppose to be hanging out this weekend so I can finally close the door on the "meetup". Bigboy's never dated an Asian before so he's bubbling and anxious...this should be good if not funny, LOL...

X-ray moved out of my crib months ago but still comes through every week just abouts so obviously he's met NYL and believe it or not they actually talk more than her and I do. It's safe to say that they really like each other and enjoy teasing and bashing me. So what does NYL do? Yeah, plugs him in with one of her best friends, Keisha. This is her homegirl from High School and have been superclose ever since and she got the paper and career just like NYL so everyone's excited because on paper both X and Keisha have value and something to offer in a relationship him being a Radiology Mgr at a hospital and her having a managerial position at Viacom. I do tease him though because X-ray in his adulthood, to my knowledge, has had at least 5 girlfriends named Keisha. It seems like the past 3 girlfriends were named Keisha and definitely his most recent GF's name is Keisha, its gotten to the point where we refer to them by neighborhood. Harlem Keisha, Yonkers Kiesha, Co-op City Keysha and his newest ex Soundview Keisha, etc. Anyway, the new one will be named Park Slope Keisha if we remain consistent with the pattern we started, LOL. I'm happy for him though because this particular Keisha is one bad chick, although NYL is definitely attractive, this chick is outright dropdead gorgeous. X-ray is so amp'ed up about this chick its unreal and this nigga is driving me crazy about her. Now everytime he see NYL he damn near kisses her feet. He's telling me I'm crazy and how I need to wife that and stop resisting, but yet he loves Suzie, LOL. She's been teaching us how to talk Japanese and he loves it...shoo, I love it. So of course he's absolutely no help and deep down prolly wants me to keep doing what I've been done, but regardless Im fine just the way things are. I don't want to be a no lock down relationship right now, my heart just isn't in it to do it. I still give all the respect NYL she deserves and put her first as the Number 1 chick but I'm fine with the status quo. We went to our lil getaway spot Mohegan Sun on Saturday to see "Isaac Hayes in Concert" the only thing is he's performing this coming Saturday and not the past weekend. I was really looking forward to it too but we still made the best of it and we didn't even gamble, just a lil shopping, a show and dinner. We woke up went to breakfast then to the spa for a treatment. Afterwards we headed on back home. It still would have been nice to see Isaac Hayes perform though.

If it wasn't for the damn massage I was thinking I shoulda just stayed in town to to have dinner with ChezNiki Saturday night....but thinking again, that damn massage was good, LOL....

Back to Reality...Maybe!

2006-02-13T22:58:00.000-05:00

Two weeks and no posts. I've been on the road for the whole week and it felt like a month. I'm just glad to be home this weekend even in the snow. I left the cold and snow in Cleveland to just come home to more of it. I can't lie though I actually had a great weekend with NYL. I missed her and was definitely looking forward to seeing her. We planned to do a whole lotta nothing from Saturday afternoon until this morning. I wanted to see my lil Japanese chick too but the reality was, I was where I wanted to be and was absolutely cool with it. When you don't see your main joint for a week plus there's very lil chance of getting loose to make anything else happen. Regardless though we made sure we had everything we'd need for a snow-in at my place, candles, incense, groceries, dvd's from blockbusters & liquors for my pina colada's. Since I hardly ever go to the movies all three movies she picked I hadn't seen, Flightplan, Lord of War and Hustle & Flow. I was actually proud of myself because from reading, asking questions and watching my ex, I made a pretty good batch of Nachos with all the toppings and it was delicious. When you ain't been home and don't sleep in your bed for a while you actually enjoy being home laying up being cozy with someone especially when you have that comfort level. We did have a fun until she left this morning.

However with that said, the issues that were uncovered a few weeks back about wanting to solidify our "relationship" is still simmering just beneath the surface but we were so happy to see each other that was a non-issue for the entire weekend. My grandmother has a saying, a very vulgar saying but true nonetheless, " shit or get off the pot". The way her feelings are and where we're are going it seems that that's just what I'm going to have to do unfortunately, either do it or pull my pants up and be on my way. The only problem is I dont really want to. I do really like this woman. Somehow over the next few weeks I have to reinforce the fact that although I enjoy her, want to be with her, am very attracted to her I still want to move slower about being in a lock-stock-&-barrel type relationship than she does. That's why I'm gonna hang on to my lil Japanese joint just for a lil while longer just in case this crashes and burns although I doubt it especially when we have trips planned for the next 3 months or so... but just in case Imma keep Suzie under wraps.....there is something about that chick!

I'm driving to Hartford, CT in the morning for an all day conference and she's nervous that I won't make it back for our Valentine's Day plans...sidebar: I'm anxious and curious to see how the Audi drives in the snow and conditions up there. I'm always hearing about this 4 wheel quattro stuff, now Imma put it to the test finally as this is my first long drive in the car especially with the roads like this. I bought some things while in Ohio for tomorrow delivery at her job, now that I think about it I didn't even send flowers. I hope she's okay with that and enjoys what I bought for her. I "worked" from home today too, I shoulda got the damn flowers. Ugh!

The trip to Cleveland wasn't all that bad either now that I think about it...I may write about it later this week...dunno. I had a pretty nice "social outting" while I was there and may wanna capture it.

Anyway, to those who celebrate or even care....Have a great Valentine's Day tomorrow!

Random Music

2006-02-02T17:32:00.000-05:00

...lifted from ChezNiki... who accepted a challenge from Nikki

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE MUSICAL THOUGHTS...

1) A favorite political track:
FIGHT THE POWER-Public Enemy

2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dance floor no matter what:
FIESTA (remix)-R. Kelly

3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them:
YOUR MY EVERYTHING-MJB

4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics:
WELCOME TO THE TERRRORDOME-Public Enemy (Damn, them cats was deep-8 albums & not 1 love song, lol)

5) A song that you liked, that a two year old would like as well:
HARD KNOCK LIFE-Jay-Z

6) A song(s) that gives you an energy boost:
SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT-Nirvana & ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS-Puffy & Bad Boy Family

7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like. Not sure. Maybe:
A CHANGE GON' COME-Sam Cooke

8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now:
PAID IN FULL-Eric B. & Rakim

9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
ONE LOVE-Nas

10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life.
UP IN HERE-DMX

11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
WE WILL ROCK YOU-Queen (other than EWF, the best group/band ever)

12) A song(s) that you think should have been playing when you were born.
SMOOTH OPERATOR-Sade & IT WAS A GOOD DAY-Ice Cube

13) A favorite artist duo collaboration:
BROOKLYN'S FINEST-BIG & Jay-Z

14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsensically, religiously etc.)
SEVENTEEN (17)-Rick James (for obvious reasons, lol)

15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
HA!-Juvenile

16) Your smooth song, for relaxing:
BADUIZM (Live)-Erykah Badu (Shoo, the whole album...let it ride)

16a Favorite Song to Bone to:
SAY YES-Floetry

17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
STOP BEING GREEDY-DMX (was he ever happy?)

17a Favorite Driving Song(s):
SHOOK ONES & SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST-Mobb Deep

18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group".
SECRET GARDEN-James Ingram, Al B. Sure, El Debarge & Barry White

19) A song that makes you reminsce about good times with a family member.
EXODUS-Bob Marley

20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
NASTY GIRL (Remix)-BIG w/Jagged Edge & Nelly

All about family...Asian

2006-01-29T21:56:00.000-05:00

Today being the first day of the Chinese New Year seemed prophetic due to my Asian influenced weekend.

Between my mom, brother, grandmother and my dad this past weekend I viewed and participated in dysfunction at it's finest. My mother and her husband celebrated 19 years of marriage last week. I can't even begin to wonder how she lasted with that idiot for that long. The dude is a straight bum. My mother somehow flourished and succeeded in spite of him not because of him. I'm so proud of my mom; sometimes it's almost like she's the daughter and I'm the dad. But that dude...Umm, he has his uses but for the most part, Ugh!! She has about $2M in property and assets now but if he had anything to do with it she'd probably have a hundred bucks in her pocket, if that.

Anyways, I took everyone, mom, her husband, my brother and my grandmother out to dinner to a Japanese restaurant in Port Chester, NY. I've been going to my favorite Japanese spot "Edo's" a lot lately and they opened up another restaurant in Port Chester so I wanted to check it out. The food was great and really liked the ambiance in there but everyone was driving me crazy. The same ole stuff, bickering, some "hush or be quiets" and "what's the matter with you" seem to start every conversation before, during and after we ate. I know I don't have the monopoly on this, I guess every family has some type of dysfunction but mines at times can be downright embarrassing. Even with that embarrassment my mind was elsewhere throughout dinner because my brother and I was itching to get outta there since I was meeting up with my lil Japanese chick from the ski-trip at The Den and she said she had a friend for my brother. That cat was driving me crazy about it wondering if she was Asian too. I had forgot to ask, I just assumed she was.

We get to The Den before the girls and my brother likes the spot. My brother is a big dude (6'7 & 290 lbs big) so eyes were drawn on us as soon as we walked in. About 10 mins in a chick hears my brother's accent as he and I speak at the bar and strikes up a convo. He's looking at me scared looking like "ain't them chicks coming through the door any minute?" I'm like "dude you just talking not screwing in the corner, LOL" Even I got a lil love before my friend came. Now, I wear suits and ties every day and think I look good every day but two women individually walked up to me in The Den to tell me they really liked my tie & shirt combination so we chatted a lil bit. One of them was really cute too and hoped what was happening with them would be indicative for the rest of the night. I just had a haircut the day before and I had on a dark blue suit with a cuff linked white and light purple striped shirt with a lavender tie. I hate to shave and sometimes let myself go with the scheduling of the haircuts so sometimes between the non-haircut and stubble I can look awful. However, with that said, when I do clean up, I clean up nice. Friday night I was clean as a whistle.

So my lil Asian shortie comes in with her friend while we were knee deep in our own conversations. Her being the Asian woman she is, she just stands there silently, patiently, watching us while we're oblivious to her presence just chatting away. Something says look behind you... and there they are silent and grinning. Two Japanese chicks staring at us waiting for us to do something. We quickly finish up our respective convo's after I elbow him then we get up so the girls can sit and order a drink. "Suzie" has really been reaching out to me non-stop since we got back from the ski-trip so when I knew my brother would be in town and she had a friend for him I was like this is perfect, we'll definitely hangout now. Besides NYL had me a lil annoyed about this Superbowl business and some more stuff so I wanted a lil break from her and hadn't seen her all week. All four of us had fun even though everyone had a lil accent going on except me. The conversation focused mostly about us having a Jamaican background and regards to them, how they prefer and date black men and what their parents would think about that back home. Both of them has only been in the US for about 2 years and are 33 & 34 yrs old respectively. Her friend liked my brother I could tell, and "Suzie" was all over me...a lil too much actually. Looking around I started feeling a lil weird. There were so many beautiful black women in this place. Three of whom initiated conversation with us and showed definite interest in my brother and I, yet we were in a black lounge in Harlem with two Asian chicks. The place is tiny anyway so I noticed those women in particular were looking at us, others were too. Back and forth at each of us. Call me crazy but it didn't feel right. I don't know why I can just let the good times roll sometimes, but I didn't want to be in there anymore. I accomplished my goal; plugging in my brother with a chick for the weekend. Mission accomplished. I made everyone finish up their drinks and we left. Since Suzie lives a few blocks down she invited us over, stopping at the liquor store first. She's got a nice apartment on the 3rd floor of a brownstone between 5th and Lenox. My bedroom has an Asian theme and her apartment gave me a lot of ideas for some additions and enhancements. I thought her roommates would be home. The Masseuses. No luck. A Friday night I guess. I just intended to stay long enough for my brother to solidify plans to see Suzie's friend again because I knew after seeing our dad on Saturday afternoon I was gonna be with NYL and wanted him to have something going on without me. He locked up his deal and I played the bad guy and said we had to go. I still have my other car so I intended to give it to him for him to do his thing.

Well, from what I heard from my brother and Suzie he had a great time with ole girl on Saturday and today too matterfact while I hungout with my dad and then NYL.

Suzie asked me out and/or wanted to come over. That's another story for another day...

Detroit

2006-01-24T23:28:00.000-05:00

There is a lot of activity regarding Detroit around me lately and I'm not that happy about it. First, about 2 months ago my boss pulls me in his office and says he's got something to give me.

My boss and his boss has been trying to get me to accept a transfer to California for about 8 months now. They've been having a difficult time filling the HR Manager position out there with the union qualifications that I and a couple other HR Managers have. Once my boss found out that my girl now EX girl was from the Bay Area, that I'm single and live alone he's been on me to take the spot. Even his boss got involved, she cornered me while down in So. Florida last year at a conference whispering in my ear about taking the position. Obviously I'm still here so I didn't take it, but about 2 months ago he hands me a manilla envelope with a top tier moving relocation package for the same position. I must admit he made it worth my while to consider but....I'm thinking now, that he was thinking that the Teamster Mobster business may have pushed me over the edge and that I'd want to leave. Imma black dude from The Bronx...I ain't studying that shit and ain't paying it no mind. What was he thinking? Anyway, bottomline he's kinda annoyed at me. He tries to hide it but I can tell. He hired this young white boy and I think his master plan was to move me out there and have this blond lil pretty boy from Notre Dame come take my spot. I guess I'm no longer the golden boy huh? Everyone loves me (or use to at least). This is the same cat that recruited me for 6 mos straight sending me to Florida twice and finally having me say "yes" to the position by dropping a healthy signing bonus in my lap. I have the number 1 performing region in the country with the highest population and headcount out of my 38 counterparts throughout the country. Now this cat trying to banish me to the West Coast, so his lil preppie boy can takeover my territory. Nahhhh!! I officially turned the West Coast transfer down for the final time. I definitely see myself moving to California but not until my daughter's older and in college or at least an older teenager or young adult.

One of my counterparts who was responsible for the Michigan, Ohio and Indiana region retired recently and of course they can't find a replacement for that position either. Since its under my bosses area he's been having to cover it in the interim. He's been doing it for a month and what does he do? Yeah....tells me Imma have to start going to that area to cover. God damn Detroit! WTF! (Sorry Serial, LOL) Jeez! I really believe he wants me to regret turning down the transfer again. So, I'm not happy about Detroit right now especially since we're having serious problems there right now and he's dropping me right in the middle of it... Like having Boston to Jersey isn't enough work!

Yesterday at work while I'm getting Detroit rammed down my throat NYL send me an e-mail. "Guess what, I may have a surprise for you" "I may have tickets for the Superbowl, do you want to come with me?" Where is the Superbowl this year? Yes you guessed it....Detroit! Initially, I was like damn girl do you gotta have tix to everything dangling it in front of me like a damn carrot...I was a lil annoyed actually and I'm not sure why. I should have been deliriously happy about going to the Superbowl for free but I wasn't. It was probably just the timing I guess. As it turns out...NYL has a cousin who is a lineman and longsnapper for the Seattle Seahawks and she's getting SB tickets. Later on that evening when I go over to her crib she's a lil bummed out. Her cousin is telling her that he will have two tickets for her. 1 for NYL and 1 for her sister=2 tix. Now keep in mind the Seahawks just won the Championship game Sunday night and doubt even if the players have been assigned tickets yet. I tell her this is way too premature right now and to give it to at least the weekend. Of course she doesn't listen, her and her sister are in collusion both independently lobbying to their cousin for their own individual pair of tickets to Detroit.

Right now I'm not even that charged up to go out there to be honest. I had a fatality at the job today, one of my drivers was killed in Albany. My day was hell today. My mom told me my daughter's mom is having serious health issues right now and is not well at all. And...as always I got work coming outta my ass and dunno whether I'm coming or going. Right now I need a real stress reliever...

Sorry about the ramble ya'll, I don't even know if any of this makes sense!

Big Poppa's coming...By the way, what are you?

2006-01-19T22:03:00.000-05:00

I love my dad. I got a cool ass Pops. He's the kind of old school Jamaican cat that wears dress slacks & shirts around the house (when they're no longer suitable to be worn out the house) with the buttons undone down to mid chest exposing like 10 chains with a spliff in corner of his mouth, LOL.

NYL surprised me today after work. I just got in and she calls me to tell me she at "The Orient" waiting for me to get home. "The Orient" is a dive bar/restaurant up on Boston Road we stopped in one time to push back some drinks real quick and to buy my favorite item on the menu, chicken wings w/oyster sauce. She brings me the wings and asks if I can come with her to Linen 'N Things and Barnes & Nobles over in Co-op City. On the way over there my dad calls, I put him on speaker...He says "Whatta gwan my yout?" and I reply "Wassup dad". He lives in Toronto and is letting me know he coming to Brooklyn to see his brother. He wants to know where I'll be next week and making sure I'm in town. "Imma be around Dad just lemme know" I say. "Mi want fi see ya, ya know" he says. Although we talk all the time I haven't seen him in years. He asks for my mom real quick then I say "Aiiight cool, don't worry we gonna connect" as we say our goodbyes. My dad was never much of a talker. NYL says "damn he got a thick accent, I just can't visualize him actually saying what he just said...it's sooo weird". What she's referring to actually began a lengthy discussion that I never put that much great thought into until tonight. She asks me "Does your father consider himself to be a black man?" Umm, it's funny because in 35 yrs years of living I have never really asked myself that question.

Before I give you the info you need I would like to get your opinion on whether my father is a black man. My heart says yes but my head says no. I wonder what he would say.....

My father's parents were born and raised in Hong Kong. Back then in the early 3o's Hong Kong was a British Colony among many other Islands and countries around the world. Of course Jamaica was one of those Islands. England was the center of everything then and the English made it very easy for all the nationalities of their colonies to move around seasonally or permanently to other British colonies. It was very common for people especially from India and Hong Kong to come to Jamaica for seasonal work as laborers and/or maid type help. That is exactly what my grandparents did except for one thing...they never left. They stayed and had 5 children including my father. So with that said...what is my father?

He was born and raised in Jamaica, therefore grew up as a black man, among a country of black men but looks like he belongs in the back of a Chinese restaurant cooking an order of shrimp lo mein or fried rice. My dad grew up a "Rasta" smoking "ganja" and has a very thick accent. Of course he had to plant his seed, having children with Jamaican women too. I don't know what my grandparents was thinking having 3 boys naming them Winston, Roy & Trevor. Damn, can you have more typical Jamaican names, LOL? What happened to traditional Chinese names? Oh well! At least my aunts names were conventional, Jenny & Sara, but still not Asian based. I'm sure he still understands Chinese and can probably read it but definitely doesn't speak it. One of my most vivid childhood memories are just people walking in the street doing double takes turning their heads like "The Exorcist" after hearing that thick ass accent coming out of what looks like a regular Chinese dude. He identifies with the black identity, the black experience and black history especially Haile Selassie being a "Rastafari" & Marcus Garvey. It's funny my daughter still can't truly grasp how that can be my "real" dad and her "real" grandfather. Even now she asks me "Is he your real, real dad?". Yes baby he is... I'm guessing that's why I look the way I do!

If my grandparents were German instead of Chinese would that change things? Does the fact that he was born in Jamaica change things? I dunno! So Daddy, what the hell are you man?

The "L" Word...

2006-01-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

For such a wonderful word it can cause so much havoc sometimes. To my surprise, it reared it's head yesterday at the worst possible time and I'm none the wiser for it.

My weekend was nice man, just like I expected it to be. Not that it was this phenomenal weekend with dimes all over the place and perfect everything. It was a normal ski trip without the skiing of course. I think I was sober for maybe a half hour for the entire weekend. *Note to self - Just because its open bar does not mean I HAVE to drink myself under the table* Women were everywhere and it seem like everyone present had the same mantra...just like Vegas "whatever happens here, stays here". I ended up meeting and hanging out with a Japanese chick the first night there from all places...Harlem, by way of Osaka, Japan. Come to find out she lives like two blocks from "The Den" so she's wondering why she's never seen me in there. Either way no funny business, no smash-off, just hanging out, coming to my room to get me for breakfast or dinner, chatting and cracking jokes. She did however tell me for the entire weekend about the great full body massages she gives. She has two roommates who gives massages for a living and says she's better than them. She did have me wondering, LOL...

The trip is over, we're back in The Bronx and our bus pulls up across from Yankee Stadium. I see NYL's truck and was really excited to see her. She got out grinning like she does, hugged and kissed me as if I just got home from Iraq. We hadn't really spoken for more than two minutes all weekend since our episode Thursday night. I don't know why but I felt tension as we drove back to my spot. She begins to tell me that she was scared to death on Thursday leaving her house with just bra, panties and an overcoat while not even knowing if I was home or if I had company. It's just her luck to get pulled over wearing nothing, LOL. Thank god she didn't.

NYL has this thing, this hang-up that we're not technically a couple. She wants like some kind of acknowledgement of what we are, a banner or announcement on the evening news, who knows. It seems like it doesn't matter or isn't relevant that I spend every free moment with her, that I want to spend as much time I can with her, speak to her on average 4 or 5 times per day, buy her gifts and do thoughtful things for her. I was told "You do all the right things but you don't say the right things". NYL wants me to say something to the effect "I want only you and I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you". My reply is "I'm always with you". You have not 1 but 2 draws of stuff and partial closet space in my apartment. My phones hardly ring anymore. We speak multiple times daily. I never "disappear" on you which you love by the way...so what's the problem? Forget me saying what you want me to say...I'll let my actions speak for me or would you rather me do the opposite? Talk a good one and do nothing...which is what you complain happens with your past relationships. It's only been a month and a half, things are great. Why can't we just let what we're doing continue. Where's the harm in that? Why are you trying to label this so quickly. It's barely two months, not six. That's when I get the hammer "I love your stupid ass, that's why" You know I want a relationship with you and will do anything for you "I just feel like I'm floating, tossing and turning in the wind while you make up your mind if you want to be with me or not". She says "Do you think I do what I did to you on Thursday or any other time for that matter with just anybody?" "I love you Trev.... and you don't believe me because it's not a long enough sample for you to properly evaluate". Those are my words she's throwing back at me, LOL. It does sound like me though "not enough of a sample for us to evaluate", LOL. All this was said from Yankee Stadium to Pelham Parkway. Damn, thank god we weren't going to Yonkers, LOL.

As it turns out...I was so glad I end up buying what I did on Friday at lunchtime before I left for the ski-trip. NYL loves to take baths. So I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and bought this tray kinda contraption that goes across the tub above the water so you can put books in it, eye glasses, candles, etc. while your still in the tub. I put my lil radio in the bathroom, lit all my candles and prepare a nice bath for her. I figured she took care of me on Thursday so I'll take care of her now since I sense the stress...it's only right. Between the music, candles and aromatherapy she loved it. Shoo, after setting everything up and seeing the bubbles and smelling the all the scents I wanted to get in the tub too, LOL. Anyway as soon as she came out of the bathroom it was nothing but apologies and "I'm sorries". She says she's an idiot because technically there is nothing wrong with us so she's gonna stop fixating on a title for what we are and just enjoy me and us.

I know what she just said won't last but at least I bought myself a breather for a while...Damn, how can she really love me after a month and a half. I really, really like this woman, a very strong like but love....Umm!

She's gonna f*ck it all up man! Or will I?

Her eyes just sparkle

2006-01-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't get the visual outta my head. I had to write this...

I am physically spent and still half drunk.

On Wednesday I told NYL I'm going on a ski-trip this weekend with a couple of my boys. I had paid for the trip a month ago but completely forgot. You know, the ghetto kind out in PA someplace, Reading, PA I believe. Of course she was a lil annoyed with me for going but the way she gets annoyed is so funny to me...kinda like a white girl which I guess she is, or at least half anyway but still funny. She thought we would possibly go to our lil overnight "getaway" spot this weekend since it's a 3-day weekend. She realizes we're not so tonight she invites me over for dinner and a .... but I decline. I have a web & teleconference tomorrow presenting the company plan and format to my region for the upcoming bonus structure/payout and performance evaluations which will be occuring in the coming weeks. My conference will take 2 hours so I gotta make sure my presentation and speech is on point so noooo I can't come over.

My boy and I are sitting on my bar stools drinking and talking since I ain't seen him in a couple weeks and we catching up. My buzzer for downstairs starts buzzing like crazy. It's her. I do the Seinfeld "thing" and buzzer her up and leave my door cracked. I know she's 37 but sometimes this chick looks 27. Damn! She looked so good in my doorway. Anyway, she brings me a large oxtail with rice and peas and a bottle of wine (wine???). Well X-ray takes this as his cue and grabs his coat, but he and I notice the same thing as we look at her and at each other. She has on boots and a long coat but something's just not looking quite right. Regardless, he says his hello's, goodbye's and bounces. As soon as she locks the front door behind him she loosens the belt on her coat. Oh My God!!! All I see is that light ass skin of hers and a bra & panties set....no clothes whatsoever. Her eyes just sparkled while she looked at me. She has this hazel/green/gray thing going on. Her eyes are amazing. Little did I know I'd be heaven in just a few minutes!

What did Florida Evans use to say to James on "Good Times"? Oh Yeah, "Damn, Damn, Damn!"

This chick has been fu*kin my head up for over a month now and now she just sent me over the deep end. Shoo, no wonder she was buzzing my bell like crazy, I would have too half nude, LOL. I was soooo turned on but was still confused as to why I'm getting this kinda love. Before I can even get up I get a "professional" right there sitting on my bar stool. "Superhead" ain't got nuttin on my girl, LOL. It was sooo beautiful and as always she took my goods like the champ she is and never allows a drop to fall, LOL. Wow!!! Damn she nice wit hers! Yo, her headgame is crazy man. When you don't get something on a regular basis for a long time, which is what was happening to me before I met her, then turn around and get some bomb ass shit, lemme tell you that can get you open...Quick! I've always like penetration better than oral....Umm, now Im not so sure....

So now a nigga's hungry....been drinking gin and juice for an hour before she came and now that I bust that oxtail was smelling and tasting real good right about now, LOL. As she goes into my bedroom to get my robe to put on she tells me I had to be taken care of and wanted to give me something to think about while I'm on my weekend trip looking at all dem chicks at one of many "pajama parties" these ski-parties have. She said "when you see a chick in a teddy this weekend just get a flashback of the last 15-20 mins". She don't know Imma have flashbacks long after this coming weekend.

Is it because she just polished me off real nice and fed me or am I REALLY feeling this chick right now to an unbelievable degree? It's just after 11 and she's gone...just like that. Umm, 8pm to about 11ish that's all it took to have a nigga hooked. I can't even watch Seinfeld...I'm still a little stuck. To make matters worse I'm writing this damn blog instead of going over my presentation for tomorrow but I'll wake up at 6am to do that.

NYL....You are now officially a "keeper".

Oh yeah...I know another reason for my jovial mood right now is that my boss told me this morning that my counterparts and I in HR are recieving a 25% bonus next month not 15 or 20%. 25% Man!! Of my annual salary! Nice! Refering back to my last post, Mafia or not, NOW you know why I didn't take the Vibe Magazine position. So, if I ever see any of the usual suspects on "our thing" here know that dinner & drinks are on me for a month, LOL...Hear that ChezNiki, LOL....

Someone wants me dead!

2006-01-09T15:38:00.000-05:00

So much has been going in my life outside of work I don't really write about my life at work.

Some Special Agents from the FBI just left my office this afternoon. Don't like the Feds but that's another story for another day...

Just to give you some background...I am a Regional HR Manager for a Fortune 500 company. A large and well known company. My area/region is from Boston, MA to Paramus, NJ and everything in between covering around 3000 employees. I am responsible for the usual HR stuff, recruiting, hiring, firing, benefits, etc. but my primary responsibility are the union contract negotiations (there are 5 contracts) and enforcement/compliance of those contracts and employee relations for the union and non-union personnel in my region.

About a year ago, my company purchased a competitor from believe it or not...the government! This company and the Teamsters Union, which did the actual work, was so corrupted and infiltrated with mobsters and organized crime that the Feds came in and took possession and control of the company until my company made the purchase. The Feds were just sick of the whole thing, Mafia or otherwise and just wanted to unload it after a couple years after getting nowhere. So they sold it to us but didn't clean up the goddamn company or rid it of the Organized Crime element that caused them to take over control of it in the first place. Now we own this company with goomba's all over the place with dudes with names like Vinny, Paulie & Dominick. Some of these cats are old school and the real deal (think "Goodfellas") but some, actually most are just flunkees, wanna be gangsters.

Well, while I was in Boston back in September or October, someone sent a death threat to my office. FOR ME!!

So I come in to work all fresh and ready to go and my boss is here with my admin she looks nervous. My boss was fidgeting' and had me thinking I'm about to get "fired", LOL. But instead I'm told that I received an anonymous letter stating the Teamsters ain't to be fu*ked with, I'm a black monkey & nigger and I'm gonna be found in a ditch somewhere in some woods inside a container, LOL. I'm laughing now but trust me....I wasn't laughing when I was being told, LOL. I'm thinking is a $100K+ salary worth this shit? This is crazy... Ironically, the funny thing is the same time I got the job offer for this job I received another job offer from Vibe Magazine to be their Human Resources Manager. I didn't take it because my ex wouldn't have liked me being around so many women (my admin was gorgeous too) and being around that whole party/entertainment element. She ain't trust me. Didn't matter anyway this job paid more and had more financial perks instead of free parties, award shows and concerts, etc.

Anyway, ever since the the FBI has been on the case. Tracing the letter, the ink, the paper it was printed on, fingerprints from the letter, etc. We narrowed down who the possible suspects could be who would want to send me a letter like this and it all stemmed from an "old school" mob cat I had terminated for theft of time, violating the CBA and being an all around asshole. After two months of investigation they came by and told me they are ready to make an arrest in the case. It was just as I thought. It wasn't the dude I fired but it was a flunkee who followed this guy around like a puppy dog before I let him go. Dude is a straight bitch! Now he facing like 5 or 6 federal charges from using US mail for criminal purposes to violating a slew of new "9/11" threat type charges.

He woulda never even had the nerve to approach me never mind doing all the shit he talked about in the letter.

He's a fuckin' punk!!

But....I do feel better knowing did move this summer and just bought a new car, LOL...

Missiles & Landmines...

2006-01-05T23:58:00.000-05:00

Those missiles I was referring to in Miami will be landing in New York tomorrow for an extended weekend. If you look back into my Best & Worst for 2005, you'll see bits of Cali sprinkled all through the list. This woman is thee quintessential California woman for the millennium and gorgeous. Light-skinned, nice body, no kids, career woman (same field as mines), makes $100K and is cool as the other side of the pillow. I could have really saw myself marrying this woman. Damn it!!!

Well, she will be here in town and although she is not coming specifically for me, she wants to see me. She says she must see me this time and that I at least owe her that.

Let me explain...

When I was in California this summer and into the fall we were really hot and heavy (I'm assuming ya'll read the posts within my last post). She was out here too (that's where we met actually...in midtown). I had bought my apartment and finished up all my renovation and she had never seen it. Soooo....she bought airline tickets to come see me for the weekend for 4 days so she could not only see the apartment but stay here with me and spend a weekend together with no business, no conferences, no negotiations, no nuffin, just fun and just us. The tickets were bought in August but she wasn't due to come til September.

That month as all my ex needed.

I have so many names for her as she just stated to me, Haze, That Old Shit, Fellow Blogger, etc. Bottomline is, she came back in my life AGAIN and did not even want me to see her never mind have her stay with me. I am such a bastard and a piece of shit. Sometimes I don't even trust myself. I knew I would see her if I followed my heart but at the same time my heart was still with Haze aka Fellow Blogger. I had just come back from Jamaica and insisted that Haze hang onto my extra set of keys. I knew I wouldn't dare see Cali knowing Haze has keys to my crib. So me being the piece of shit and bastard that I am...what did I do? Yes, tell Cali like 3 days before her scheduled day to arrive that not only can she not stay with me but I can't even see her if she still decides to come to New York. (I did offer to reimburse her though) She was so angry that she came anyway and stayed in a hotel. She called me 3 out of the 4 days and I didn't even return the calls...trust me, Haze was watching, like the streets, LOL. Damn, that was so fu*ked up I can't even believe I did it and to make matters worse one of your favorite bloggers and I aren't even together after all that. Is that bullshit or what???

I did make an attempt so severe our relationship when Haze and I decided to be together but after Haze left me again I saw no reason now not to at least speak with Cali if she initiated. She did. After a few months Cali's anger subsided and eventually reached out to me but I know the angers gotta be still lodged somewhere deep within her. If I was her I dunno if I could ever let that go. But she says I'm like no other man she ever met and she just can't let go...at least right now. So since September we still speak, IM, e-mail, etc. Hence the calls in Miami to let me know she's gonna be in town and MUST see me this time. Of course she throws in "you bought your god-damn condominium and never even let me sniff it and I was in NY for (4) days" "You owe me Mister".

I just left NYL's house and she kept saying I seem a lil distant tonight. Umm, ya' think? I shoulda told her I'm thinking about seeing someone I have serious feelings for. I didn't. What the hell am I saying... I already know deep down Imma see her. What I haven't decided is...will I let her come over if she asks? And...how much will I see her? One time can pass as somewhat reasonable due to her being an outoftowner. That will probably hurt NYL, I know it will regardless if its just once and if we do anything or not. NYL and I are not exclusive but I would be lying if I say I am not accountable to this woman at least somewhat. Not that this is even about money because its not but this woman has literally spent a couple thousand dollars on me the last couple weeks so she'd have to view this as at least a slap in the face. What I feel bad about is, this woman will give me anything right now. Anything. She has and continues to give me her body, heart, money and wisdom. That thought will not be lost on me this weekend. I know I cannot burn the candles at both ends anymore. I'm 35 years old and too fu*kin old.

Cali is flying into JFK on Jetblue tomorrow at 9:35pm.

NYL says she plans to be home and relax. With all the traveling and activities we've been doing the last few weeks she's staying in. She just bought "Wedding Crashers" and wants to watch it. NYL invited me to come watch it with her and she'd make me breakfast Saturday morning.

Where the hell will I be tomorrow @ midnight? I don't even know myself.

The Holidays....

2006-01-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

I still can't believe that this woman has been literally by my side for the entire month. Forget about just making sure we talk everyday, it's like we're joined at the hip and the funny thing is I don't mind it, in fact I like it. I more than like it. Between the last month with her, X-mas, New Years & the Miami trip this woman got me re-evaluating everything. For the first time I'm thinking long term with this woman. I've even been thinking about her mom and it's been freaking me out a lil. Her mother's white. I can't seem imagine myself laughing and joking with her mom as I've been able to do with other girlfriends mom's in the past. It's kinda wierd. I think about us sitting around her kitchen table drinking tea, LOL.

On a more serious note, during this past week or so I did receive 3 "missiles" from someone and it kinda knocked my equilibrium off...it got my mind racing again! She's been like my ultimate match (if she lived here we'd probably be married) but destiny (and my ex ironically from the same place in California) made me sabotage any happiness we could have had.

For those who are relatively new to me here's a mini recap:
Part I
http://bigtrev4055.blogspot.com/2005/07/california-i.html

Part II
http://bigtrev4055.blogspot.com/2005/07/california-ii.html

**Missile** I refer to a missile as intentional communication via e-mail, voicemail or letter by someone with the specific intent to cause a great deal of thought, a reaction and generate a response. It's usually sent by an ex or some type of lost love trying to reachout to drop the equivelant of an emotional bomb.

Christmas:

My X-mas although great and very memorable was relatively quiet for the most part, it always is. My "light blue" boxes had arrived on time and I was all ready for our exchange and evening together. Earlier that day I had X-mas dinner with some buddies and we did what we always do...eat til our bellies are full, drink like fishes, crack jokes and watch a lot of football. NYL and I were all excited like kids direct connecting all day synchronizing our times, activities and movements so we could meet up at my apartment to exchange and get ourselves ready for our flight to Miami the next morning. I was already in The Bronx but she was with her family in Staten Island...So she makes it to the crib, her lil pully suitcase in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other. I'm like "hell no, we gotta plane to catch in the morning", but you women always have the power and of course we drank half the damn bottle, LOL...She loved all her gifts and I really loved all mines too. The watch she ended up getting me cost more than all the gifts she'd gotten so I was just relieved that I had gotten for her what I did after all. I just really love watching the expressions on her face when she's happy, she's a trip. Obviously we had a great night together...shoo, the way we was drinking, laughing and acting like fools you would think we didn't have a 9:00am flight, but we did...

Miami:

I love So. Florida. Ahh 5 days in bliss. I always get excited as soon as I hit the curb outside the airport as I feel the breeze and look around at the palm trees. It was sunny, mid-high 70's the entire time...perfect! I just assumed we were staying in the heart down in South Beach or off Ocean Drive somewhere but we didn't we stayed out in Coral Gables @ The Biltmore. I was like "damn" at first, but then foundout where we were staying. I love that hotel. I stay there all the time when I'm in Boston and/or Providence, RI. They have the best beds in the world. The best sleep I've ever gotten has been while I stayed at the Biltmore.

I mentioned a few posts ago about being in a vacuum with a woman where a weekend visit or any type of trip/vacation together always accelerates the relationship in to feeling like you've been a couple like 6 mos already even though it could be only a week or two. Well, that's exactly what happened. It's like we're an old ass married couple. You know what I mean, peeing with the door open, tasting my food, wiping my nose, using her saliva to rub something off my face or arm, LOL. Ya'll know what I'm talkin bout. I got to really know her during our 5 day excursion. Found out things, deep things, personal things, I would have never known for at least another couple of months if we would never have went and been in that type of vacuum together.

We went out every night there. ChezNiki recommend this spot called "Mango's" down in Miami Beach on Ocean. (Thank you so much girl..good lookin') Out of all the bars and clubs, and we went to a few, that was the best place by far. Male & female dancers dancing on tables and at the end of the bar. Half the bar/club is inside and the rest is outside. I love Miami, the climate, the vibe, all the woman are light, slim, either hispanic or at least looked it, got long hair and are moving their hips to some kind of beat whether in the street or inside somewhere. NYL fit mode perfectly, she fit right in. She looked just like them and acted like them, LOL. Between watching NYL dancing in the club and shaking her ass in her seat as she drove (those women who drive, you know how ya'll do it) I will forever associate the Biggie Duets remix "Nasty girl" with Jagged Edge & Nelly with her and being down on Ocean Drive hearing that song in every club we was in. Hearing that song makes zaps me right back to being in So. Beach. Man, they were playing that Jamie Foxx song too like it was going outta style. Just drinking, dancing, being outside in the night sky close to the water in warm weather with a girl you really diggin is like no other feeling in the world. I'm grinning to myself now as I'm writing this, LOL.

However, while I was there I did receive my first missile from "Cali". As soon as I saw that (510) area code my heart jumped. NYL asking me if everything's okay and I'm trying to play it off but I was clearly shook when she kept calling then finally decided to leave a message. There was no way I could speak to "Cali" with NYL standing right in front of me. By the time I reached back to NY I had two voicemails and an e-mail from Oakland, California. Boy, she sure sent me a missile alright!

Part 3 of the mini-recap:
http://bigtrev4055.blogspot.com/2005/07/back-home-california-iii.html

New Years:

While down there we decided we wanted to be home for New Years. But we had been partying so much down in Miami we had no urge to be in some club for NYE so NYL wanted to have a lil party at her house. Actually people was calling her while we were down there asking what she was doing and if she was having anything her crib so it was easy for her to put it together. She had about 12-15 people over her house. So my New Years was relatively quiet as opposed to the rest of the week. I just met those who came for the first time but I was already feeling nice by midnight so who gives a f*ck, LOL...I like NYL's crib up in Westchester, it's really nice. It's just the type of house you'd expect it to be for someone in this neigborhood who lives a few miles away from the Clintons, Martha Stewart and the Rockefellers. I thought I was way outta my league the first time I went to her house. Before we went to Miami I always wondered how she could afford to live here or even buy this place but now....I know everything! She maybe half white, but trust me she's a typical black chick, LOL....

It's Only Money!

2005-12-23T17:21:00.000-05:00

So what did I do after all that talking, all that complaining, that long ole ramble and tirade on Tuesday nights blog? Yeah you guessed it, I ended up buying this woman something. Something nice and actually enjoyed it to be honest. I just happen to have one of those "light blue" catalogs in my briefcase (I'm a repeat customer so they flood me with em') I took it out to look at it and next thing I know I'm coppin' a couple pieces in there which ran me like $500-600. So yeah she gonna be gettin 2 "blue" boxes w/ the ribbon for Xmas.

Matterfact since I was off from work today I shot up to X-County in Yonkers where I picked up a few more things for her and for some others since I was in a jolly mood. I got a lil concerned that the 3 day delivery may not make it to me in time and I'd be standing there on Xmas in front of her "wit" as my mom would say "my two long hand" looking stupid, LOL so I'm covered and I feel good. Last Christmas was so much bullshit and sucked (mostly from my doing prolly) that after thinking about last year I felt like splurging even though I prolly shouldn't considering I just bought a damn car and paid decent paper for it, LOL. But I was like Fu*k Dat! I feel like doing something real nice for thee woman in my life. I know my ex (Haze) don't read my blog any more (well she shouldn't be, LOL) even though I know for a fact that she reads most of the people's blog who do read mines and those who read mines read hers too not REALLY knowing we've been talking bout each other on and off for .... or at least use to (on my part anyway...I'm sure on her's too). Well Haze, even though you brought up what we should do, I should have never let it go down like that. Even though it's defintely split milk at this point...I am sorry! That really sucked man! I feel so good today knowing how juiced up NYL gonna be this weekend when we exchange. That woman's smile is as big as the sun, which is exactly where we'll be in a couple days. She admitted today that she has a few "nuggets" for me so in the back of my mind I was like "whew"...LOL.

Guess what? I ran into my previous ex (Ole Reliable) before Haze in Macy's today. Just cause she caught me feeling good, I bought her some perfume right then and there. It's funny too because I was thinking about her since it was her birthday yesterday so this was like a 2 in 1. She jokingly said "this is it?" "Damn man, this is a come down". Refering to some years ago when I bought her to Aruba for her birthday. Yeah I guess a bottle of perfume is a comedown, huh?...LOL

This will probably be my last post or next to last for the year since I'll be in Miami next week. Just because I ain't writing it don't mean I won't be reading, especially the usual suspects, LOL. I think ChezNiki's in town...Imma try and connect with her tonight or tomorrow.

May all of you have a safe and wonderful Christmas & New Year!!!

Should I Be Nervous?

2005-12-20T23:02:00.000-05:00

Before I even get to that question, although my day was hell dealing with this strike for the most part I'm feeling content and happy with NYL. I'm sitting here getting a flashback from my Summer days hanging out with Dee. I use to write in my blog like this while she looked at me from the next room not knowing what the hell I was doing or prolly assuming I was working. So right now as I type NYL is glancing at me and watching TV as she listens to all three of my Floetry CD's (she's been running those CD's in the ground). I put her onto CYE (Curb Your Enthusiasm) and she's laughing her head off, that's the funniest show on TV man...If ya'll don't know, now ya' know!

NYL met me at home today since she worked at home due to the strike and I took her to the Holiday Light Show @ The Bronx Zoo. This chick is from Staten Island prior to moving to Westchester so she knows absolutely nothing about The Bronx and the lil she does know is all stereotypical (ya'll know what Im talkin' bout). It was obviously cold out there but nice, very nice and surprisingly very crowded. It's a really nice vibe at the Zoo at night with the holiday lights on. I definitely recommend it to anyone in the area who's interested in going. NYL is racially mixed, she's Italian & Afro-American and definitely on the pale side so I've been teasing her all night calling her Rudolph, LOL. She keeps giving me that "yeah aiiight nigga" look. Umm, she said some things in passing tonight and on Sunday that has started me thinking. You women do it so strategically too always ending with these signature phases you women use, like this one....what is it? "Whatever you do, just don't hurt me..." she says. Damn man, what the heck does that mean? Ugh!! We ain't even really, really get going yet? Ugh!! Please don't have me thinking about such serious stuff so soon...Jeez!

We are going to Miami next week for a few days with one or her umpteen comp's she gets from her job with open ended tix to return no less. I'm actually still dealing with that and am surprised that I'm putting THAT much thought into it but I'm still going, LOL. I've never been involved with a woman who makes significantly more than I do. I'm constantly doing ratios in my head like should I pay? Should I contribute? I usually follow my normal custom of whoever does the asking does the paying, but she's been doing all the asking so therefore all the paying or utilizing of the comp's and it's been making me feel somewhat uncomfortable. Even last Friday I offered/asked to take her to dinner at my favorite restaurant but we didn't go. She had one last Xmas party to go to at 40/40 club and wanted me to come so I went. It was actually a nice party, the company rented out the entire club on a Friday evening at that. Add to that Saturday she took me to that Concert in midtown, which was great, but since then it's been on my mind...our spending ratio. It's probably stupid to think about however since then I feel our monetary contribution ratio is outta wack. (Does that sound like a Seinfeld reference?, LOL)

I like watches. I have 10 of them on my dresser and she's seen this since the first day she came over. So yesterday I call her office and her admin says to me, so Trev you like watches huh? I say "why you ask?" and she says "nuffin" with that giggle. I've gotten enough questions and clues since this weekend to know thats what I'm probably getting for Xmas. Now, I'm worried about what to get her so not to be embarrassed when we exchange. I know it's gonna be a nice watch, that's just how she is. Damn it! What can I get that will be comprobable to what she's getting me? Ugh! I don't like this...being unsure. Imma have to come outta pocket, I know it.

I maybe making too much of it though, I dunno. I do enjoy her and she is really growing on me. This woman is 37, looks 32, was married for 10 years and has two teenage kids so the wife/mother mentality is still in her. We came from the Zoo, she disappeared in my bedroom and put on some of my sweats, put away my laundry that I picked up on Saturday complaining as she did it as to why it's still sittin there in the bag on the floor, LOL. She straightened up everywhere and took the plates outta the dishwasher and put them away. She says "I can't help it it's the mother in me" but actually I love it. It's so what I need in my life right now. Ya'll can imagine how I live typical batchelor style, thank god I can drop my laundry off and I gotta dishwasher. However, looking at her right now looking at me I'm thinking about our first heart to heart conversation since this "thing" started. I'm thinking about her kids, practically grown kids. Thinking about her selling me the concept (well not really selling, just putting it out there) of us possibly being a couple on some corporate "Bonnie & Clyde" type shit and how we are a great fit. I must admit in addition to everything else I love how she can flip her MO from being a "regular chick" to being a Corporate VP of Marketing and making VP money don't forget, LOL.

She has to get going soon so Imma get ready to walk her downstairs. Umm, I gotta stop thinking so hard, this is always my downfall....Even with all that said, I'm sooo much looking to get out of this cold for a few days with her.

Best and Worst of 2005

2005-12-20T11:06:00.000-05:00

Stolen from Organized Noise....thank you my man!

MY BEST AND WORST OF 2005:

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
Overall definitely yes, but had a lot of emotional turmoil along the way

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Being in Napa Valley with "Cali"

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Being told that she doesn't love me like she use to

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
Home (Just moved someone out of my apt & was exhausted)

5) Who were you with?
Dick Clark? (Did he even do it?)

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
Either still in Miami or here at some party in the city

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
NYL

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
Don't really do resolutions any but did have some goals for 05. Yes I kept them

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
Just more goals

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
Almost. Probably yes but don't want to admit it

11) If yes, with who?
"Cali"

12) If yes, do they know?
Yes, but may not believe me

13) Are you still in love with them?
Don't know if I ever quite did fall, but ever so close and very easily still could...even now

14) You regret it?
Nope

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
Yes

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
Yes

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
No favorites but enjoy all of their company

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
July

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
Yes, Jamaica

20) How many different states have you traveled in 2005?
MA, RI, CT, NY, NJ, PA, DE, MD, FL, MI & CA. That would be 11.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
Yes. Just by personal growth

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Absolutely

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Crash

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
Only thing that comes to mind is Ciara. My daughter ran the CD in the ground this summer

25) What was your favorite album from 2005?
Jill Scott

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
Eight (8)

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
I had 3 actually. The Whispers @ The Apollo with Mom, The WBLS holiday concert this past wknd with NYL & The Summer Jazz Fest in Berkely with "Cali"

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
I'm a veteran of the liq-lak. So yes, LOL

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
Never that, just drank like a fish.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
No

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
That I'm the first/only person they ever loved

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
Regrettably, yes

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Yes

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
I'm afraid to add it all up but a lot

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
Being at my closing when I bought my condo in June

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
Didn't really have any

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 what would it be?
That week in California back in July

40) What are your plans for 2006?
To build on what I did in 05, and to continually grow as a person

Man, I can't even tell ya'

2005-12-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

Things are heating up for me. That's how fast things can happen. Since Sunday... umm actually from the entire past weekend til now things have been like a huge snowball rolling downhill picking up steam. Slish thought I was speaking in code, LOL but I wasn't or didn't mean to. I guess I was still in a daze from the weekend I had, LOL. This chick, NYL, got my head spinning a lil bit. Yeah man, the same chick who was "nice to me". I've seen her 6 out of the last 7 days from our spontaneous trip, being at her her crib, her being at mines, movies, us going to each other's Xmas parties (my co. has like 4), etc. Right now the only other chick who's gettin any kinda love from me is Smiley and that's mainly because of her persistance. Actually I'm seeing her tonight and packed an overnight bag because NYL got plans for me for the entire weekend so I gotta get Smiley outta the way so I won't be completely blowing her off. I kinda been feeling bad because I've been getting some messages this week from some of my other "contenders" wondering what the f*ck happened to me.

Uptown:
I feel bad especially concerning Uptown because I knew she liked me and we had like an 8 hour date, which was a great date. Then I never made plans to see her again and probably won't. I know that's why she's confused, honestly I would be too. She's thinking, how can you have such great chemistry and have such a great date with someone which lasts like 8 or 9 hours then just cut off all contact and not return calls or emails? Was it all about the ass? Nah, didn't even try! Just don't know what to say to her, so...I dont say anything I guess. Maybe I will see her, if she still wants to that is...she was super cool & cute, even for a Muslim, LOL.

STJ:
This was my steady weekend & MNF date for over a month. She hasn't seen me for the last two Monday nights and no weekends dates in two/three weeks. We still speak but I'm not trying to make it happen like that no more so she wondering. Damn, this chick didnt even want no man, this woulda been thee perfect "friends with benefits" situation for me with no commitments but I can't even keep the shit going long enough to even benefit from it. She invited me to her Xmas party (as if I need more to go to) but turned her down (didn't want to though), she seems aggy but still calls to maintain her own playa M.O.

Fatty:
This chick is doing her thing (with or w/out me). She got another crib outta state so half the time I don't even know if she's even in town or not. We still speak but she keeps it moving. She's too fine and too social to just chill alone for any length of time. If nothing else that fine ass chick left me with some good memories. Damn, lemme not even think about it, LOL...

So NYL got my entire weekend lined up. Tomorrow night, I'm taking her out to dinner at my favorite japanese restaurant "Edo's". Saturday afternoon we going to the Malcolm X exibit & retrospective at the Schomburg in Harlem before it ends at the end of the month/year. Then Saturday night she got us tickets (I think she got complimentary tix-must be nice being a VP of Mktg) to go to a WBLS Holiday Concert in midtown with a whole bunch of artists, like Jahiem, Donnell Jones, EWF, Cameo and whole bunch of others I can't remember. It should be a lot of fun. Sunday, is brunch and....

It's funny and actually kinda sad that I'm about to pack up to go to one chick apartment but I'm writing/thinking about somebody else. Umm, what does that say? Ugh! I know what that says but don't wanna think about that right now. However with that said, I'm definitely looking forward to be going over to Smiley's. I like it at her crib, its a nice layout with their big ass pre-war apartment. She lives in Harlem with Nicky (1 of the 2 amigos) and they live like real roommates. I like that. I know that may sound stupid but I know some women, who shall remain nameless, who have roommates in name only. It's really like a rooming house, neither use any of the common areas, kitchen or even the bathroom unless they really have to. Smiley and Nicki live like real roommates just think "Three's Company" but black and with no dude. I met the dude Nicki is smashing, seems like a cool guy but you can tell dude definitely still in the streets. Just imagine the both of us sitting in the living room by ourselves, drinks in hand, making small talk while really wanting to ask the questions we both can't ask. I see the way he looks at Smiley and I know he seen me looking at Nicki, LOL...Yo, its crazy god!

Anyway, off to Harlem to pick up Smiley for dinner then back to her spot and chill. I'm suppose to be taking her and Nicki to work tomorrow downtown. Strike tomorrow remember, but....guess what boys and girls I'm "working" from home again. (Second Friday in a row) Nice!!

TWU-Strike

2005-12-15T13:06:00.000-05:00

I am on an extended lunch break at JFK as my colleagues and I finalize contingency plans for tomorrow's subway union strike for NYC. This shit is so annoying and these TWU workers, no Roger Toussaint and the rest of the senior membership are full of it. Lemme tell you something...coming from someone who negotiates union contract for a living, the TWU (Transport Workers Union) don't have to do this. They want to do this...

Below are the other municipality workers who have worked WITHOUT a contract for at least two years:

1. Teachers
2. Firemen
3. Policemen
4. Sanitation Workers

You trying to tell me that these cats who operate trains and sit in token booths cannot continue to work as they negotiate? Jeez, man! I'm not saying their concerns aren't valid, especially regarding healthcare issues. I understand that they feel they hold the upperhand because its the holiday and this whole thing will cause a logistical nightmare, but you know what? They got about 3 or 4 days of no service then that leverage goes out the window. Negotiation is an art, it's an art of identifying probability and who has the most to lose. TWU can't win and they probably won't win and the most important reason is two fold. Most jobs are not skilled positions meaning anyone off the street can be trained in a matter of weeks and as hard as it seems being without transit is not life or safety threatening.

Gotta head back in....Good Luck TWU (You'll need it).

What Next?!!!

2005-12-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

My mind and thoughts are elsewhere right now...and surprisingly not where they've been for the last month or two. I've just returned home finally and X-ray's entertaining. His ex/present girl (who da hell knows) is here and so is her friend. I've seen her before so there was is a lil extended eye contact going on (long story). However, I'm completely spent from this weekend and don't feel like mingling much. They are all initiating conversation so I have to at least appear to be interested and chat a lil bit. Shoo, I am ready to just relax on a Sunday evening on the sofa and watch some TV in silence before posting of course and doing some work to prep for tomorrow.

As for this weekend, some things were reinforced to me that I obviously already knew. It's not that you forget these things but sometimes you just get caught up so much of your own emotional bullshit that they do slip your mind. If a woman likes you, really likes you she will let you know. She will do it in a variety of ways in addition to what she says. Even if she can't do what you ask she will offer other possibilities and solutions to make it up for it which will more than suffice. This applies for both male and female obviously. This is what happened to me this weekend.

Someone was nice to me.

Infact she was beyond nice. She showed me how much after I made a request to her and she couldn't for whatever reason honor or fulfill my request at the time I asked. I didn't even give it too much thought at the time but since then I realized after the series of events that followed she wanted to make absolutely sure that I did not misinterpret her actions as one of non-interest. I found out she definitely was interested in me and went above and beyond to let me know that she was. It was just an issue of bad timing when I asked what I did. Right now I am tired but feel good with the events of this past weekend. Althought it's always good in the beginning of "things" it's still wonderful when people do very nice things for you or to you with no agenda other than putting forth a real effort to show that they really like you and want whatever is happening to continue.

So with that said, I ain't get shit done this entire weekend. But, I did manage to buy Ma Duke a computer (with the help of Bigboy). That dude knows his shit man. A very nice custom built Dell computer. She is going to Aruba at the end of the week so she will be in for a surprise when she returns. Mom's been hinting about needing a new computer with all the extra toys for a while now so I figured what the hell. I got a lil extra surprise check from the job so I decided to do something nice for someone who really deserves it. I hope she likes it. Speaking of buying something, I agreed in principal to purchase a car (jeez, I can't seem to keep money in my hand, huh?) All I'll say is that its a very nice car and I'm real excited about it.

Another week and weekend comes to a close. I'm looking forward to the upcoming week and what I have planned. Actually I'm looking forward to the rest of the month too and the coming year. A lotta good things are ah coming...I feel it. I know it.

John Lennon-12/8/80 (RIP)

2005-12-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

I still think about that night. I still remember that night.

Dec. 8th, the night he was killed. I was only ten, but it still stuck with me... I'm just getting home from my company X-mas party with Smiley, we both tipsy and I can't get away from this man's images and legacy tonight. My mom is Jamaican and my dad is Chinese/Jamaican (looks Chinese), but they both lived and met in England and was there in the Beatles heyday. My mom won a local beauty pagent in London in mid-60's and she has a picture at my grandma's house of her holding her bouquet & wearing crown with John & Paul McCartney. My mother, although Jamaican always had great affection for that man.

So now (F/F) it's 1980 and we live in NYC. I'm in the bed and she wakes me up. I was upset before I feel asleep because she sent me to bed in the middle of watching the game on Monday Night Football. Now, my mother has only woken me up twice in my childhood for non-emergencies: 1. Charles & Di Wedding (she's english remember) and; 2. John Lennon's death. She said "Trev, they killed him", I was like "who daddy?".....She said "no bwoy please...John Lennon from the Beatles" "I can't believe it, I just can't believe it these people are crazy". That's all I remembered until I got to school the next day... then of course it was everywhere.

I've always loved a lot of the late Beatles stuff, the deep songs like Elenor Rigby (not that early bubblegum stuff when they first came out) and most of Lennon's solo work. Although I like Paul McCartney better I just liked Lennon's vibe and style, a man who did things on his own terms and made his own way. He didn't care what anyone thought about him or his wife. I could always respect that. I always thought how Paul, Ringo & George felt when they first heard the news.

Damn, 25 years this man is dead, 25. RIP John Lennon!

Smiley wants to go inside and lay down so it's a wrap for me tonight...and the kicker?:) Snow tomorrow, so now work for me. Night ya'll!

2005-12-07T15:15:00.000-05:00

I've seen a few of these in all different kind of variations on Blogger but someone sent this to me to fillout so I figured I'd give it a shot. So here it goes....

Top Ten Countdown of My Life

TEN FIRSTS:

First Best Friend: Brian Thomas
First Pet: White German Shepard-Max
First Movie Seen w/o Parents @ Movies: Clash of the Titans
First Sneakers Bought w/ My Money: Adidas (shelltoe)
First CD & not a Tape: Edutainment-BDP (I think)
First Love: Pauline Hayden
First Car: VW Jetta
First Concert: BDP, Rakim & PE in 86
First “full blown” sexual experience: When I was 16
First Job: Paper Route

NINE LASTS

Last Alcoholic Beverage: Gin & Tonic
Last Vehicle Ride Where I was a Passenger: Sunday
Last Phone Call Non-Work Related: Smiley
Last CD Played: Get Rich Sdtk-Car/New Floetry CD-House
Last Time I had sex: Huh??? LOL
Last Kiss: Yesterday Morning
Last Time I Ate: Half-hour ago
Last Shower: This Morning
Last Thing I Bought: Toys/Electronics for my Daughter’s B’day

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS

Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Yes
Have you ever been arrested: Yes
Have you ever won anything: Yes
Have you ever been on TV: Yes
Have you ever been in a threesome: Yes (not all it’s cracked up 2 be)
Have you ever had a sex with someone famous: Yes (at the time, lol)
Have you ever been in a fist fight: Yes (multiple, lol)
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance: Yes (several)

SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING NOW

Charcoal Gray Suit
White Shirt
Burgundy Tie
ID Badge
Cologne
A Watch
Underwear

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY

Terminated an employee
Paid Bills Online
Had a Conference Call
Worked on a Presentation
Held a Hearing in my office
Obviously wrote this list, LOL

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER

Sports (especially baseball)
Music
My Job/Career
Reading the Paper
Doing absolutely nothing

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL [ALMOST] ANYTHING TO

Rodney
Michelle
Allison
My Mom

THREE CHOICES

Light skinned, Brown-skinned or Dark-skinned Women: All (I love ya'll)
Convertible, SUV or Sedan: Sedan (Convert, a close 2nd)
Europe, Far East or Caribbean: Europe

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Move to California
Get Married

ONE THING YOU REGRET

I should have never taken that call

2005-12-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday!!! My beautiful princess:-)

Aww man, today's my baby's birthday, 12/6/96. I can't believe it, a brutha is really gettin' old. I'm so proud of her being a straight A student, learning french, playing the violin and all the other things 9 & 10 year olds like to do. I got all her stuff I got for her together from Saturday and finished up yesterday as I took the day off with Smiley. I'm calling her as soon as I think she's home from school. I'm definitely excited...I love my baby:-)

I was thinking last night that I might as well have let Smiley spend the weekend like she wanted. Since Saturday I've been with her every day and spent two nights over already, so what the hell was I trying to accomplish with that anyway, LOL. We both left out for work today like husband & wife, LOL. I dont know if it's because I've just been around her a lot these past couple of days but last night I gotta feeling saying to myself...yeah man, I can rock with this one for a minute. I met her back in October but wasnt checking for her at all back then despite her looks...at all! However, now that I'm exploring this possibility more I feel like now I'm getting to really know her. I like her. Her vibe and personality (why u think I call her smiley, lol) how she looks and that body of hers. It felt like we was an old married couple for a minute...it was nice, not forced just relaxing and calm. She didn't want to be alone so we was both in the bedroom, the tv was on but no one watching. She help me put up these wall vases that I bought at Filene's a few months ago...nice!! So I put some floating red tea lights in there, and had some red apple candles burning and my lava (red) lamp going. I was at my desk working some spreadsheets for a conference today. She was laying on the bed in t-shirt, panties and footsies talking to me, reading her book and then ironically reading the same 3 or 4 women's magazines that I was suppose to and still will return to its rightful owner, LOL. I've running through some nice chicks lately but none has been quite right. So with that said, I'm not saying Smiley the next "one" but I can definitely see myself rocking with one for a minute. I still got STJ, Fatty and Uptown in a draw though just in case, LOL...

2005-12-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

Another weekend almost over. Since my last post early Friday almost nothing went according plan, but all in all the weekend wasn't so bad. It was actually enjoyable.

My Friday night consisted with a date with a Dominican woman who passes as black, speaks likes she black (not in terms of slang), lives like she black and is actually a Suni Muslim. That bugged me out a lil bit, I knew all these things about Uptown but never really focused on it that much to think about it. I was pleasantly surprised how indepth her knowledge was for the Muslim faith because talking to her or looking at her you'd never know. I met her online months ago and we've always chatted and threw lil banter back and forth but when she just happen to call me on Friday, both of us on the spur of the moment finally decided to meet. Although I'll probably never see her again because of "other" issues I have about what she is and not her specifically, she really had me fascinated. I was engaged the entire night with her. We hungout till about 5 am from like 7pm so...you knowI must have liked her regardless!! While talking about the Hopkins/Taylor fight among a million other things that night she told me what her life was like while she was married (which I didnt know) to a boxer. Uptown talked about what it took from a wife's point of view to help mentally, physically and emotionally prepare her husband for a prizefight. I never put that much thought in it before but it is amazing when you think about how much it goes into it when technically they only fight up to 36 minutes tops.

We hit like 3 places in Manhattan and The Bronx ending up at my cousin's restaurant/bar where he is the chef. It was all spur of the moment which was even more reason why Uptown and I had so much fun. I had that chick sittin pretty as I got comp treatments, it was a good vibe especially with the liquor flowing and us being treated like VIP's getting comp'ed left and right for drinks and appetitizers. She was feeling me anyway but this made it a slamdunk and since she's really easy on the eyes she had ME looking good too. We really had a nice evening!

Now of course Saturday morning I'm shot to hell and who's is ringing my buzzer at 11 am? None other than Smiley, my almost "weekend guest" that I turned down. We compromised by hooking up early on Saturday and hanging out all day before we went out on our date later that evening. I completely forgot we confirmed our schedule for yesterday but it was suppose to start at noon, not 11. "Hey sleepyhead I'm sorry I'm early" "the train was right there and went express, but I did walk slow since I didnt know where I was going" she says while she's touching me intentionally with her cold ass hands. "Oh, you obviously went out last night huh, but you couldn't see me or hangout with me?" she said KINDA jokingly. Now, I'm thinking if she's annoyed or upset with me for last night? Okay, so I'm getting myself together taking like an hour long shower (I usually take 45 mins anways, LOL) while she's making herself cozy. She offers to make me coffee or tea...that makes me happy (its the lil things man, the lil things). Now that we're out and about this woman has me all over Jersey. IKEA, Outlets, Target, etc....I only ran 1 of my errands and thats what this was supposedly for, for her to come with me on MY errands. I was very annoyed. We were out all day till like 6ish and I was exhausted. We was exhausted. So exhausted we didn't even go on our date that I had planned for a week for. She wanted to stay in and chill, come to find out she hungout late Friday night too. She's never seen the Black Ceasar sequel "Hell up in Harlem" so we decide to watch that. She wants to sit on the floor in front of the big screen to watch it as we eat. So as I order our chinese food I put down what felt like every comforter I own onto the floor. It was cool actually, picnic-like... laughing at the movie, drinking, sharing like $20 worth of chinese and just vibing.

While we were eating her two girlfriends call. They say they looking for somewhere to watch the fight tonight and was thinking bout going to 40/40 or Platinum in Harlem...after smiling and some neck kisses, long story short they coming over my crib to watch the fight on PPV. I didnt really care, I wanted to see the fight anyway and the way I saw it I was prepared to spend over well over $100 tonight and the fight isn't even half as much so I was okay with it...Plus these chicks are Smiley's two amigo's, they're all as thick as thieves they are. I've been hearing about these chicks for like a month now so I was curious. I wanted to see what they looked like and I found out they was just as curious about me. Man, I like it when dime pieces hang together. Lemme say this I was grinning (inside) when I opened my door, both these chicks was NICE man, banging bodies and cuties too. Actually one was even nicer than Smiley, but Smiley is so nice and cute when she wanna be and real petite (I'm really getting attracted to lil ass chicks). So its like a mini fight party now...everyone's talking, we still got plenty of food, Im making Pina Colada's, music's playing in the background and then we watch the fight. I've always known this but it hit me yet again that women are just naturally nosey, they have to be. Why chicks always ask about your living situation even though they are literally in your crib when they ask...weird! I know what you really wanna ask, so just ask already. After all the compliments on the crib, the jokes, the food and drinks while we watching the fight I just feel eyes on me, at least 2 pairs, maybe 3, not constantly but enough... dunno why. Umm, Is something going on here? Maybe it was my imagination, who knows...it's been very active lately too!

I'm not gonna complain though everyone was happy and we did have fun. The two amigos asked Smiley "when we doing this again gurrrl?" and was asking me where my friends was at. Smiley was overly touchy/feely to me but Im sure that was for obvious reasons. Well, we ended up falling asleep, me with a full belly and feeling real nice the second night in a row... maybe cuz I was just plain tired. I know one thing, Smiley size is perfect for me cuddled up in the bed. I told you I'm loving these lil chicks, LOL.

What a weekend huh? I did really enjoy myself and have very few thoughts of you know who. However, with that said, I think Imma start focusing on other things in my blog and calm down on the narratives some even though I'm writing down what just happened to me or what I've just been through.

2005-12-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

It's Friday, late in the afternoon and I'm ready to go. My Friday evening will be free even though I do have some offers. I am in the city today so I don't think I'll be heading uptown anytime soon. As you may know I had an invitation to have a guest for the weekend. I passed. My heart wasn't in it like it's suppose to be and I'm not a good enough faker to have been able to mask what I'm feeling for an entire weekend and still entertainer her how she'd like to be. However, tomorrow night is still on...actually it'll start earlier than planned so it will end up being a day-night thing. I do have some nice plans if I say so myself, I think I'm excited because where I'm taking her I've never been to either, so it's sort of half/half kinda thing...half I want to see her and half I want to go where I'm taking her. So she is bring a change of clothes after all but not for overnight purposes...I think, LOL.

As I always say....ain't nuttin like a Friday night & just got paid:-) Sound familiar?

2005-11-30T22:52:00.000-05:00

I got propositioned this evening...

But first... my day was a roller coaster. This morning "my tenant" comes in as I'm leaving and hands me his "rent" he agreed to give me for December so my morning starts off pretty well. No traffic on the way to work, then when I do arrive I have my expense check waiting for me...Nice!! So by about 10 this morning between my "rent money" & my reimbursement check I now have almost $2000.00 in "found" money. I'm sooo good! So in between work I'm online @ Macy's, JC Penney's & Men's Warehouse looking for suits. I've been thinking this week that I'm gonna treat my self to a new suit and a nice watch this weekend. My ex has 2 of my watches so I just wrote them off as losses cause for whatever reason she either hasn't gotten them from the shop or wasn't trying to give them back period. I haven't splurged on myself in a minute and I have nothing to do with this money except by my carpet and I'll still have over a grand left over.

My day couldn't stay that good right? How could it? So I get an email from my ex regarding some mags coming to the crib from some shit she did during our "lost" weekend together. The one bright note...she's returning my watches, yeah man!! She wants her stuff so I guess she feels like she has to return mines. But of course that lil banter back and forth caused me to think about "us" which brought me down some. To make matters worse my mother leaves me a message from last night which I didn't check till this afternoon saying that she's inviting my ex to Aruba with her in a few weeks as a lil treat for her because she still thinks we got back together (we were back together the last time we saw her). Noooo mom, thanks but keep your money...for now. Gimme another couple weeks or months I'll have another wifey chick for you to invite to Aruba or Jamaica if thats what you wanna do.

Fast forward (F/F)....I'm driving home and I get a call from the person I'm seeing on Saturday night. "Why haven't you respond to my email yet, you scared?" she says, in her girlie high pitched voice, LOL. I say "I'm in the car" "why what happened?" She says "I have a proposition for you" "Don't laugh or make fun of me when I ask" she says. I'm thinking Uh Ohhh...what this chick talking bout? She says "Instead of our date on Saturday night how bout we just make an entire weekend out of it?" "Let me bring a bag and I'll come over from Friday night after work and we just hangout all weekend together till Sunday afternoon when I leave". Now keep in mind, here I am thinking I may get lucky with this chick on Saturday night after our date...Why you think I'm cleaning up the crib, huh?...LOL And here, she hands me the keys to the Porsche when I'm thinking I maybe catching a cab. All we've done is kiss at this point, but she says she loves being around me and I make her get the school girl giggles (she trying to gas me) so thinking about it she wants to spend time with me in MY environment to see the real me (she's never been to the crib yet, but is evidently curious). I tell her I got my errands, she say she don't care. I say I'm hitting a few spots too cuz I'm buying a suit and also picking out my carpet sample so they can come, measure and install. She says she wants to come, it sounds like a lovely Saturday afternoon to her, LOL This chick IS crazy after all, LOL. So we leave it... as us talking later on tonight to confirm either way. The whole weekend? Umm, I dunnnno bout that. Not yet anyway. My mind is so scattered right now, I do wanna see her but for 1 night, not 3 days in a row with no break. It possible I may like it though...I do genuinely like this girl after all. Umm!! This reminds me of an "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry says to George the weekend trip or the weekend invite is a relationship accelerator when you HAVE NOT had sex. One weekend can zap you into feeling like you've been in the relationship for 3 months, LOL. Am I ready for that? Ugh!!! What am I gonna tell this chick?

Stay tuned ya'll...

2005-11-29T11:33:00.000-05:00

Ugh...I'm playing hooky today!! STJ had me out half the night. Again! We was suppose to meet at Justin's after work to watch the game, have some drinks & appetitizers together since they have a lil MNF thing going on during the season. Long story short we blew that spot by half-time. (Did the Colts even win?) Surprisingly she had me all over Manhattan last night but I doubt if I even spent $20 dollars...I like that! STJ is playing her position well I'm noticing, since I had her pretty much Saturday night she had me financially last night. I'm definitely feeling that jesture on her part and will let her know that too. You get extra kudos mama. So... with that said I just got up so obviously Im not going to work. I have a conference call at 9 so I might as well "work" from home. I'm thinking about surprising her at work today since Imma be bullshittin all day, prolly being online, LOL. What I need to do is some cleaning for Saturday (gotta be prepared just in case) but I already know I'm too lazy and won't do it till Thursday at the earliest.

Still very early in the game but it seems like STJ is what I need right now. (You know how it is in the beginning, LOL) She just enjoys the spending time aspect with me (or prolly any other dude) and from what she's leading me to believe she aint trying to define nuthing right now. Not looking for no man just an attractive hangout buddy and well...ya' know, LOL. I've also decided NOT to dead Fatty either...why? I recognized she doing her thing and ain't REALLY trying to get serious, which I like, so we can definitely continue to do our thang as long as we have that understanding. (I feel kinda bad, I know I prolly let her down though for Thanksgiving & her actual birthday, not her B'day party last week which I did attend.) She never said it but I can kinda feel it. But in any event back to my thought... I don't like being with a chick knowing she plotting every time she with me how she gonna lock me down. To be honest, I do wanna be locked down but just have to get through my internal grieving period first in my own way. I just don't want to feel pressured or like Im being plotted on.

Anyway, thanks STJ for being some well need distraction for me and breath of fresh air.

Well, I have a conference call to run (from home, yeah man) so lata ya'll....

2005-11-28T00:51:00.000-05:00

This past week has been...let's say interesting to say the least. First and formost, glad to say my peace of mind is well underway for the last few days. I haven't spent much time home this weekend so I am glad to be home today. Got in about 2ish and spent the rest of the day napping, being lazy and watching the games. I met up with some interesting "new folks" and went to some spots this weekend, new spots (trying to expand my horizons). One place in particular stood out "Chateau's" on 7th Ave in the Village. I liked it inside and just my speed. Nice spot, good music and vibe with decent drinks, reminds me of log cabins but I still like it nonetheless.

As I'm winding down my weekend today I realize I have a lot of plans lined up for this week both business related and personal. The last couple days I made some plans for next weekend, the more I think about them the more I'm looking forward to them only because I have done this before so Im kinda curious myself. I hope everything works out exactly how I'm going to plan it AND I hope I'm not overdoing it.

Yesterday afternoon while I was out and about with my friend running errands I got 3 estimates for my living room carpet Im thinking about installing. I have hardwood floors in my apartment except for my bedroom and my office/den/daughter's room with an area rug in my living room. My neigbors upstairs above me have been killing me with noise lately 1: cuz they just noisy and fight alot, 2: they are doing some renovating this weekend it seems. So knowing what I'm going through with my upstairs neighbors I have a lot more sensitivity toward my neighbor that is below me. I know I make her upset w/ my noise sometimes, I'm sure I do. The carpet will help with the noise and enable me to walk around barefoot during the wintertime so not to worry about the cold temperature of the hardwood floors. The only thing is NO ONE wants me to install the carpet, everyone I've spoken to about it except for one person thinks my floors looks great and I should leave it the way it is. They all say it goes with the color of the walls, furniture and the overall apartment. So I've decided to just get SOME of my floors carpeted and leave some of the floors, that way everyone's happy and Im still saving some money.

Wow, I wish everything could be as simple as this. It does feel good to know though that everyone who sees my spots whether male or female really likes it. Guess what? I like it too:-)

2005-11-22T01:46:00.000-05:00

I just got home from a Cognac Hennessy tasting event in Harlem this evening...I've been intentionally staying away from HG for the most part out of courtesy to someone but now being here again the restaurant area is nicer than I remembered. Anyway, I just get in and as I'm loosening my tie I get a phone call from HQ. She says "Hi" and says the usual things to make a dude smile, only I'm not really smiling. I can't. Midway through the conversation I knew I just couldn't do it. I can't see her anymore. I can't see anyone right now. She's asking me if I'd like to come with her to some relatives (aunt's I think) for Thanksgiving and that her girlfriend is having like a lil party afterwards. I just can't. I'm seeing the same symptom's in this chick that I saw in Dee over the summer (check July & Aug posts) especially since our day together last week and the volume of calls since. I cannot in good conscience go through the motions with this woman knowing what she told me and what her expectations are of us, even though its in the early stages. This chick probably thinks Im crazy because I kinda stopped her in mid-sentence just to say "I don't think I can see you anymore" and that I just got outta something, I'm not emotionally ready to go where you trying to go and don't wanna waste your time. She actually took it in stride, doesn't say too much after that she just asks how long I've felt this way and thanks me for my honesty. I didn't meet or interact with her online so I don't have to worry about random emails or IM's. I know I gotta do the same thing with Fatty even after the great night we had on Friday night after my confusing time at "Giggles" earlier in the evening. Fatty is SO beautiful, unbelievably beautiful but with a two year old that situation woulda gotten old quickly anyway...I think. The last woman I dealt with a baby.....had my baby, LOL. I know what I need to do but don't really want to confront that pain. So sitting here I know I just gotta wait out what Im feeling and just try to find some peace, peace of mind right now. If the spirit moves me I'll still go out on an occasional dates but it'll be more in the vain of casual dates just to be in some potentially good company from time to time.

To be honest, I can't wait for Thanksgiving evening after all the festivities so my peace of mind can officially start. It's sorta like holding your breath just before you jump of a wall (Or a cliff) As much as I don't wanna do it, Lord knows I don't want to...I have to!

2005-11-20T12:36:00.000-05:00

It's a great sunday morning as I watch my favorite show "CBS Sunday Morning". Although brisk, it's looks very sunny and like a perfect Fall day. As I watch squirrels running up and down the trees outside and leaves float past my window it reminds me of why I love this time of year. I'm not a summer or winter fan, not even a spring-time fan. It's something about the Fall, the thought and antcipation of all the upcoming holidays that always has provided me with a warm feeling this time of year regardless of what personal or work related issues I may or not have. New York is such a great place to be for the holidays.

I just finished moving my furniture around to maximize my living space for my upcoming Thanksgiving get together. I'm not really excited as I should be but I think everything will still turnout fine and those who come will have a good time. I see something small and laid back with about 10 people or so, some food & drinks, some music, some football, some spades...that's about it. I do have a lot to be thankful for so I guess I should do it with friends. This past year I made the strides I needed to make regarding my personal growth which includes, enchancing my relationship with my baby, landing the job I needed to have making the money I needed to be making and becoming a homeowner on my own terms. I already know what I'd like to accomplish for 2006 and feel it is well within reach so for that I am thankful.

I haven't seen my "celly" since Thursday. I do remember him saying that he was going to be working mixed in with him seeing his EX (yeah, the same one who got him locked up and caused him to be staying here). On the one hand the experience hasn't been too bad with him staying here mostly because we both work a lot of hours and we aren't at home together at the same time for more than 2 days a week. I am really happy for him though, it seems like he has the "upper hand" and that situation because she wants him back. He's not sure if he does want to go back now. I know he's been looking hard at trying to buy a Condo or Co-op and him being a Veteran he really can make that happen with all those Veteran based programs out there. What Im not sure of is what that means for me in regards to him staying here. Is he trying to stay here until he buys something? Umm, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that. He can go back to "his" crib today if he wants, he just doesnt want to anymore... at least for now. Right now I feel like I want to be alone, even though for the most part I am....its just not the same when someone else has a set of house keys. The extra couple of hundred dollars he's been giving me the past month and a half is fine with me. However, we need to have a discussion about how we move forward when we're both home at the same time this week before Thankgiving.

2005-11-17T02:32:00.000-05:00

What a difference a week makes...From last Wednesday to now I feel like I was put through the washing machine AND the dryer. I've been through so much bullshit, pure unadulterated bullshit it's unbelievable. You know when I start off like that it's gotta revolve around the EX. She did some bullshit so ridiculous this week it takes too much energy re-telling it. Bottomline I'm STILL single and am actually okay with being single right now. I think she's suffering from the "I dont know if I want him, but I definitely don't want no one else to have him" syndrome. She feels like she been through the hard part with me since moving from California and now that a brother is making almost six figures, own a condo (not in Parkchester, LOL) and got a career in full bloom not just a job, its like she don't want another chick to be able to slide right into that and benefit. So she trying to hedge her bet till she decides once and for all, by leaving her shit at my crib and wanting me to just leave it there for her...just in case. For what exactly? Huh? FUKK DAT!! That privilage is for wifey's only, NOT friends. She don't even know that everything she left at the crib this weekend has been in my trunk for the last two days until I see her at our lil networking get together tomorrow to give all that shit back. We still cool an' all and still feel what we feel for each other but I'm not putting no more energy into that shit there. Imma still invite her over though when I have my spade parties and fishfry and stuff but I need more than what this chick is willing to give right now. The best thing is that there are plenty of chicks out there are willing to give me what I need...exactly what I need.

Today I had a really nice brunch with HQ. It was our first time out since I met her last week. Brunch went SO well with her that neither one of us want to leave each other. We were both making excuses of why we weren't doing the things we said we had to do when we first met and sat down, LOL (You know what that was right, LOL?) It seems like we both had "outs" and "just in cases" the brunch went downhill. I met HQ at a brunch spot she suggested and that I never heard of (gotta add that one to the rolodex). Food and atmosphere was good, but the company was better. Very nice girl. Typical career chick from Hackensack, NJ, no kids, early 30's, nice career and just like me starting to use all the days we got built up before the end of the year since we'll lose them anyway. Well as you can guess since neither one of us wanted to "date" to end I ended up following her back to Jersey to her crib just to hangout (reminds me of driving to my old job at Coach). It wasn't even that kinda sexual vibe although she was definitely a nice chocolate complexion and easy on the eyes and she kept rubbing my back. It seemed like since it was a gloomy afternoon we both wanted to chill be in some company and it just happened to be each other...well it was for me anyway so I could take my mind of what is. We went to blockbuster and rented "National Treasure" w/ Nicholas Cage something else which I never ended up seeing. We ate popcorn and hot pockets, drank Corona's, watched TV/movies and took lil naps. She has a very cozy apartment with soft couches like me, very condusive for napping especially in today's weather. I'm probably going to see her again this weekend. I gotta get back in the flow with Fatty too since I blew her off this past weekend for pure BULLSHIT and never did get to see her.

Right now I'm just ready to find me a nice chick who knows what she wants and is ready to embrace the same shit Im trying to do and be in life. I got plans and trying to find someone to share those plans with. I know there are some nice chicks out there ready to just find a good dude and do the damn thing!

2005-11-10T01:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'm relaxing. I cancelled an invite for a chick I met last week to come over. I'm good especially since I had company last night. So tonight is the first night, I've had no plans, no company, no work trips or issues, no nuffin. Fatty just called me and woke me up from my lil come home from work nap. She has definitely been thee front runner. I like her, the only thing I'm not diggin too much is that she has a 2 yr old. I gotta policy not to deal with chick with kids under like 6 or 7 years old, NO babies. She tells me that he was planned, no...really planned with doctor visits, introvertilization, medication and everything she literally used the kids father as a donor. Very independant chick, nice car(s), two homes, combination of a nice salary and money stashed away and very attractive. I know being as attractive as she is she must get a lot of love in the streets, but she says she hasnt found just the right connection or chemistry yet. She has a 10 point system and you have to score at least 7 outta 10 to have strong consideration. I ask about me and where I stand and she tells me I have 6 as of now but says she knows I have at least two more in me, it just hasnt been confirmed yet, LOL. Being lightskin looking the way she looks I know Imma vain dude and Imma really visual dude I admit that. I love the fact that heads turn in the street when I'm with this chick. Dee gave me that feeling too of all eyes being on us but since it was the summertime I think it was that body she has that really put her over the top. But Fatty is the first chick, post Haze to get the house number, so you know I like this chick, LOL. Lightskin with green eyes and decent body...as long as the body is up to par, you know you can never go wrong with that combination. When she came to get me this past weekend X-ray was stuttering and mumbling. He later says he just caught off guard and was semi-hypnotized by those eyes, LOL. Fatty and I kinda laughed about it as we left and that was the beginning of great evening Saturday night. Since I just got off the phone with her she's on my mind, but actually she's been on my mind since we first met. I love the women who are into and study the sensual pleasures, the art of karma sutra and all that stuff. I'm not talking sex because we didn't have sex but she really took the time to entertain me, make me feel good and put me at ease. I love the fact that as beautiful as she was she didn't take the position like "your lucky to have me and it's on you to make me feel good". After our night out downtown, we went back to her home in Mt. Vernon. As we just talked, vibed some more, snacked and sipped on some wine she tells me she' got some kinda multi-level townhouse in MD too and would love me to come down for like a mini-getaway for the weekend. She is a very cerebral woman who likes to be engaged, so of course I engaged her in order to unlock the key to what she holds. So this continues until at some point pre-dawn I end up getting the penthouse suite massage, rubdown treatment, with the oils, the scents and candles, etc. which you know I already love cuz I got all that at my crib. I cannot emphasize enough the sheer pleasure a man experiences when he is completely nude being oiled, stroked and rubbed down by a woman who is gorgeous, if not outright stunning. The key is you must be mentally stimulated by her, attracted to her and be in tune to her or else it's no different than the massages I use to get down in midtown in the 40's on the eastside by those asian chicks. Just thinking about looking into those hazel/green eyes as she's looking up at me, massaging me is giving me an incredible flashback right now, LOL....Anyhow, I digress....

It's her birthday this weekend, she'll be 34 I believe so I know I have to see her at some point. We already loosely spoke about seeing each other on Friday but it wasn't definite, just that we'd make sure we saw each other. I messed up earlier today and offered my services to somebody else for that night when I shouldn't have but as usual with this person, I couldn't help myself. I will make sure I'm free for Saturday night though. I'm working from home (I love my job) for the rest of the week and hangout and getting into a few things:) but I'll make sure I definitely pick up something for the woman who seems to have everything....but me:)

2005-11-07T00:35:00.000-05:00

As my weekend's coming to close it's ending on a good note. After being honestly and completely single this past week it it felt good as I was out there mingling and meeting. My week and evenings were better than they had been in long, long time. Even my Friday night was good and my Saturday night was even better...ask X-ray, LOL, so no complaints. When I came back in this morning X and I put together all the things I purchased yesterday from Target, BB&B & Pier 1. My bar stools, blinds for my French door in the blue room, a bookshelf and a shelving stand for my bathroom all looks nice like they belong. We spent the late morning and half the afternoon putting all this stuff together. While doing that I had cleared out all my clutter and papers from my living room which really made a difference. Honestly, this is the best my apartment has looked since I moved in. Nice....clean and clutter free, it looked really good and just in time as it turns out. X had invited Haze's girlfriend over for dinner tonight (found out last minute) for her birthday (belated) and she seemed really excited about it. X-ray followed my blueprint for entertaining and laid the place out nice for her doing the necessary prep work. Between the dinner, drinks, movies (dvd's) and just the atmosphere that this apartment provides especially from the dim lighting and great smells from the scents and candles it was a good look for him...no, for them. I heard them giggling and laughing out there, they seem to be having a really good time. Umm, Tuesday and Wednesday are my turn...both my potentials say they're looking forward to it so we'll see... again the timing's right especially since the apartment is all nice, neat and clean now with the lil extra's I picked up yesterday. That reminds me I need to go out and pick-up some things this week.

If the next couple weeks are like the one that just passed...I can get use to this, but definitely no complaints right now...none at all.

2005-11-05T14:09:00.000-05:00

I gotta be honest, I really can't complain. Umm, no lying going on here...still miss that chick and if she called today I'd still be willing and more than happy to honor what I told her I'd do last weekend and actually more but didn't see the point of even saying after the decision came down. However with all that said, I had a good week. I was out mingling, dating, meetin' & greetin' every night except for Tuesday and even that night I had company. My work week was crazy and stressful as usual with labor problems with the teamsters and some open enrollment issues with about 200 employees that I had to deal with but fortunately I was in the city most of the week which made it easier to start my transition and actually start MEETING people. Some women where definitely direct hits and some where misses, bad misses, like swinging drunk and in the dark misses...LOL. I went a new spot my man had put me up on Monday after work (which I actually knew about but completely forgot). The rest of the week was a combo of dates from online and one of the women I met on Monday after work. Ironically on Thursday I had dinner with one of the women I did like who I met earlier in the week. After dinner we went to Harlem Vintage, a wine store in Harlem. She wanted to go to hear the platform of a candidate running for the city councilman ticket, Daryl G. Bloodsaw who she ended up introducing me to. Bloodsaw and I were the same age and actually had a lot to talk about. I liked his vision and ideas for Harlem, he reveled in his underdog role against the existing establishment. It would be nice getting some new blood in local government who has the hunger and passion for the position. I'm sure the older existing leadership have probably lived off reputation for years and haven't been in the "grind" for god knows how long. Being in HV in that type of atmosphere with the standing around, meet and greet with wine and fruit & cheese reminded me of a wine tasting that Haze and I had been to IRONICALLY at the same location back in the spring.

After the lil meet and greet at HV my date and I made plans for this weekend then said our goodbye's because I was meeting up with X-ray since I think he was getting off a double at the hospital and he just got off and I was still in Harlem. We meet up at HV, then hit a couple of our lounge spots. We both were meeting chicks, but I'm glad we ending up mingling separately because looking back it probably made us appear standoffish by us just standing in a corner in suits and ties drinking to ourselves. I have a method and a general approach when it comes to meeting women and for some god unknown reason it has served me well. So being that all these lounges are only so big odds, as in the case with X-ray and I we'll interact with the same women. Although on this night this spot was surprising very crowded for a Thursday one particular woman stood out among the rest, ya'll know why... she was simply gorgeous and as I came to find out a lil later was very engaging as well. X and I picked up that the eye contact that was consistently heading in our direction, umm, but which one of us though? We were buying each other drinks so we both independently had to opportunity to speak to this lady, which we did while at the bar and through our course of overall mingling. Now we both had gotten phone numbers and had given out business cards at this point so we both were gettin love up in there, but it seems X was really smitten by this chick, going over to her several times, buying her drinks (more than one), asking me and like two other people plus the bartender for a pen to make sure he get this chicks number stuff like that. She was definitely the topic of conversation on the way home. I'm not sure if he knows I have her number but he does know she has my business card. Anyway he's been talking bout this chick since then so I'm assuming he's at least called. I don't know why I haven't told him the chick and I have already spoken twice and plan to get together. It's not like a love at first sight thing but dude is definitely diggin this chick I kinda feel bad about busting his bubble by telling him I'll probably see her by Sunday. I have a date tonight thats the only reason she aint on the agenda for later on. But even now that I think about it, I was diggin the chick I was with last night too...so who knows. Either way I got some nice choices though...I like that!

Anyway enough rambling...gotta do my usual Saturday activities. I'm entertaining this week so I'm going to Pier 1, Target & BB&B to pick up some household things I think she'll like. I'm looking forward to tonight. I woulda rather been with Haze tonight but not like she needs one but it's a valid excuse. Imma call her later to wish her good luck!

2005-11-02T02:18:00.000-05:00

I'm relaxing tonight @ the crib. Kee just happened to call. She ran into one of my boys and he asked her about me so she called. She's with her girlfriend, she says "You know it's opening night tonight right?" referring to the NBA starting it's season tonight. "The Redsox lost and baseball season's over so get with it, LOL" she says. I can tell she's driving as we speak so I tell her to come through since I never had her over yet. I cleaned up last night and put stuff away so I aint gotta do too much to entertain, besides I've known this chick since the early 90's. I think of her as cool peeps, I can always get info from her about what's poppin off downtown. Since I've known her, Kee's always stayed in the know on shit when it comes to concerts in the summer, comedy stuff, party's, and just new spots period lounges or clubs. When it comes to that kinda stuff she reminds me of a female version of Romey Rome. So she comes through, girlfriend in tow. "Yo Trev, you really did it wit dis shit right here, I love the color" "I really, really like it" she said and I reply "well just keep in mind I ain't buy it like this" and start laughing. They both sit down while I make 'em something to drink in the kitchen. Now Kee's just talking up a storm first about the big screen then the couch, "I could go to sleep right now on this sofa" she rubs the sofa "between this suede/microfiber or whatever this is and this silky throw you gonna wanna make a bitch move in". She's stroking it like a cat, LOL. She has always made me laugh, she's the kinda neighborhood chick everyone loves not because she the finest chick (cuz she's actually not) but she just maad cool.

She looks in the blue room and asks if babygirl's here cuz she notices the bed down. I tell her my boy is staying with me for a couple weeks but he's doing a double tonight so he won't be bothering us. We go off on a lil tangent, a lil Q & A session about him. Her homegirl is just silent, not saying a word but looking. Her body language is suggesting she wants to asks questions but she can't cuz she don't know me. So me and Kee are yapping away and cracking jokes and as I bring out the drinks she gets up and gives me a big hug and tells me she's proud of me. "Do you know I never worried about you, ever, even things were at their worst?" "Since I've met you, you've always somehow come out on top and see look at you now". So we switching back and forth from "Everybody Hates Chris" and the Nuggets/Spurs game. Her girlfriend asks me if I have a girlfriend...I say "next question" and they both start laughing. That's the last thing I need is for these crazy broads to start reminding me of Haze right now especially when I was able to confirm some more of shit she told me on Sunday were lies. So I switch off to something else, I've known this chick for like 15 years so we have a lotta things we could talk about, LOL. They hangout till about 11ish before they leave. My phone starts ringing back to back so they figure that's their cue to leave. I finally answer after the 3rd call and get off just as quickly so I can see those guys out of the building.

I missed that girl and aint even realize it. I remember back in the days how she always use to come check me with her girlfriends when I used to live on the Grand Concourse to hangout with me, Corey & Dre'. I use to let this chick drive my convertible and all that, she was cool like that. Dat's my girl, man....It was good seeing you Kee:)

2005-10-31T17:57:00.000-05:00

Ok so it's a wrap....I spent $40 bucks on some crappy brunch yesterday to hear I'm being dumped. This chick says we can be "friends" I guess like we had been for the last month or two. I was pretty much willing to concede every point of what the friction was on her part just to make this chick happy, but at the end of the day it still ain't enough for her. I didn't think it would take that long to get dumped because we ended up spending about 4 or 5 hrs together but at least she gave me the opportunity to say my piece and have my say. The thing is she dumps me and then has the nerve to hand me a printout of my blog and highlight issues she has with what she read. How fu*king dare you!! Can you believe this sh*t? She says she ran into my blog by accident while blog surfing...she really thinks I'm a fu*kin idiot, she has to, to try and sell me some bullshit like that. She has the nerve to tell me not to read HER blog like a month ago, but she reads mines, criticizes it and hands me printouts of my blog highligted regarding some stuff I wrote about my ex. The kicker is ya'll on top of that...she hands me back about 15-20 pictures she stole out of my old apartment of my ex and I while we was on vacation. Some how Haze wasnt slick enough to sneak the pictures back in my apartment, so this is why she STILL has them and decides to give them to me now.

Overall the day was very typical of how we spend our weekend days and afternoons actually. Even though I was being dumped we still enjoyed each others company but just knowing after this if we happened to hangout again it would be under completely different circumstances. She informed me she was dating for the entire time I was chilling and not going out on any dates. Now it makes sense of me why I've been unable to contact her the last few friday's, she's so wasnt out on dates those days but at this point who gives a fu*k...All that's important is for me to get my swagger back on and poppin. I have nothing in the kitty at this point but I have no doubts I'll have a date by this weekend. I'm actually looking forward to start mingling again, I've been just home doing absolutely nothing for the last couple months. Umm, start entertaining, dating and just finally pushing this chick so far back on the burner that she off the damn stove. To be honest I dont mind seeing her if I'm out and about, if I do but all bets are off with me. Harlem is my stomping ground and just because she lives there that dont mean I gotta NOT go to Harlem or take dates to Harlem. Right now I have an idea who I'm thinking about asking to the Museum with me on Saturday. I just need to be around a chick right now, an attractive chick who just wanna be with me-no questions asked, just being in my presence and enjoying me without looking at me or judging me as I will her. Coincidently, I got some interesting notes on my lil personals dating website this past weekend that I will no definitely follow up on, I've been letting a lot of nice chicks go due to me hoping Haze and I would get better...no more of that!! Speaking of that she tells me yesterday that she's on the same one, the same personals website, what do ya' know, LOL Do your thing boo-boo! Cuz if you know me, I can and am gonna make mines happen....

About 6ish she get outta the car with some tears in her eyes carrying the bag of clothes and shoes I bought down from my crib just incase this was the decision she took which it was. I didn't want no excuses or reason to contact me over pettiness. She told me she didnt mind being a kept woman as she had been in the past, she's pretty much been use to it her entire adult life. Go boo-boo, go find a dude so you can get kept and Imma go find something to keep!!

Still with all that said, I cannot deny I love that woman...but it'll pass, in fact it's already passing!

2005-10-29T14:41:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling really lazy this late Saturday morning/noon time. I had a full day yesterday, worked in Brooklyn til about 9:30-10:00pm doing a bunch of investigatory interviews with one of my managers. I've had a horrible, long hard week with labor issue after labor issue all over my region. Last night since I got out of work late and it was Friday I was thinking didn't want to go home just yet. So just about as I'm on the Brooklyn bridge heading towards the FDR my man Big E. just happens to call "Yo, where you at dog?, I'm at Fez so come through". So what I do? Yeah, go to Fez, LOL. It was bubblin' too and after we pushed back like 2 drinks we went to another spot Harlem Grill before we ended up at The Den by the time the night was over. We was straight bar hopping last night. While at HG, I called Haze to say that I'm ready...fu*k it, let's do it, we always dancing around it, us being together one of us being ready when the other isn't so lets just jump right in the pool for peace's sake. Of course she didn't answer her phone but I still left a message, although I was a lil nice after like my 5 drink for the night I still knew exactly what I was saying. Umm, makes you think....I believe this is the 3rd or 4th Friday night in a row I've been unable to speak to her. It's all gravy though...everything comes out in the wash. We will be speaking later on today to get it all out and on the table. Today will be the end or the beginning. Only time will tell.

Today I'm picking up some insulation for my AC sleeve in my bedroom. Although my AC is still in the sleeve a draft is still coming through so I'm heading to Home Depot for the insulation. Reminder!! While I'm there I'll pick up a heater too. Business as usual today, dry cleaning, dropping off laundry, Home Depot & haircut. I got like 3 parties to go to tonight so you know a brother look good and tighten my shit up. Who know's... I might be fair game as of tonight for all the chicks Imma see later on!

2005-10-27T13:48:00.000-04:00

Tonight was enjoyable and interesting. I was meeting X at my monthly Black Professionals Meetup Group and got there a lil late. I was working out in Islip today and the LIE was awful, but I did manage to get in there at about 7:45-8:00. The lil networking this is only from 6ish to 9ish so I thinking about not even going. But I did....There were, some nice pieces in there and I liked the new location of the group being down in the Village. As soon as I got there I hit the bar and got my usual. As I'm waiting I feel eyes in my back, as I turn I see a pleasant young lady greeting me nicely with a warm smile. So when I finally got my drink I went over there which in actually was only like 10 feet or so. I can't find the chick's card or remember her name now but she was English with a very thick British accent and she was an attorney (I always meet lawyers up at these things). She was pleasant especially after I told her I lived there too as a kid for a few years. She just accepted a position in midtown and hadn't been in the US a month yet, but it was like her 4th or 5th trip here so it wasnt like she was "brand new" to NY. We exchanged info & bus cards and promised to keep intouch.

Since my boy X is dating Haze's friend and he was there I guess she decided to come herself. She comes behind me or to the side and catches my line of vision. This chick is just staring and staring but she wears glasses/contacts so Imma give her the benefit of the doubt. We start talking and she asking all the questions about Haze and X-ray, all my answers are definitely vague but she keeps going. Some other chicks catch my attention and ask me about my ID chain holder and asks me about the company I work for so that turned into another segue into seeing what these chicks is about. We also talked and exchanged info and had quite a few things in common as it turned out. They both seem very friendly and nice. I like that. The purpose of this whole Meet-up thing is to meet and greet, not like a meat market but truly network for us black people. As the event is winding down Haze and I kinda meet and exchange pleasantries. We hadn't spoken since Sunday when I dropped her off and we both were kind of stand-offish only because it wasnt the right forum to say or discuss what we were probably thinking at the time. Nonetheless all four of us kind of co-mingled for a sec in the open area but I was clearly ready to go home or at the very least outta there and out of her presence. We stopped off uptown for a few then headed home to chill. I'm so happy tomorrow's Friday.

2005-10-25T02:56:00.000-04:00

Tonight's a MNF night at the crib...got some boys over and we watching the Jets/Falcons game. Since X-ray's already here my spots becoming a mini hangout. We doing what we do, drink, play spades, crack jokes and watch the game. We ordered a pie earlier so after hanging out for 3 hours drinking all my liquor er'body belly full and they starting to pile on outta here and go home. Ole Reliable called me today while everyone was here, sometimes I miss her and still think about her. She says she's been thinking about me and we start cracking jokes and talking about the old days when we was together. She says we should plan a weekend trip someplace like we use to and I'm thinking to myself...depending on this last conversation Imma have with Haze I may really entertain that idea. We always had fun on our trips whether they was like lil weekend bed & breakfast trips or full week vacation to Aruba or the Bahamas. I haven't seen her in months since my daughter left to go back to her mom this past summer but I bet if we started dating again we'd pickup right were we left off. She teases me and asks if I need help with my mortgage...LOL. My boy Dre' said he saw her on the 5 train coming home from work and said she looks bad as hell...I believe his words were "straight fire, dog, straight fire...and that ass is still crazy". But I do think about her sometimes and she a wonderful, smart and very attractive woman but she just never gave me "that extra juice" consistantly that Haze always gives me just about everytime I see her even when I know there will be no sex involved its just about the chemistry and the presence.

All these cats just left and Imma lay down I gotta web presentation on the new company medical benefits to present tomorrow morning. (can anyone say open enrollment?) I may see someone tomorrow after work.....Umm, dunno yet!

2005-10-22T21:52:00.000-04:00

Last night was alright @ The Den with X-ray, we went to Moca's first but slide outta there after I saw an old smash of mines. We had a couple drinks at the bar and ordered some appetizers. It seems like when we hang we always get good vibes from chicks, shoo, even the bartender...got a free drink for starters and she told me she's charging me house gin prices for top shelf gin. X was telling me to buy a drink for a very attractive woman who sat at the end of the bar who kept looking down the bar at us. I was like "nah" something's going on with her, not in a devious way just like she had a lot on her mind. I didn't have to though, after a couple more glances down at us and some pleasantry smiles some other dudes tried to connect with her and bought her the drink she probably needed. However on the way out she did stop by and ask how our appetizers was...of course we both turned, smiled and said "fine"....LOL. I always enjoy Friday nights....it's not even that I do a lot but its the potential of being able to do anything with the full weekend ahead. There's nothing like having gotten paid, just like Johnny Kemp said it "Friday night, just got paid", and the promise of two days to do whatever you want. Now with that said, I hungout with Ma duke most of Saturday late morning/afternoon mostly talking and drinking coffee. Although she just re-financed one of the houses and got almost $175K out of it, she's still worried because of some fines she may incur from the village housing inspectors and their coming this coming Tuesday. Some one called or complained to the town about her renting out the basement in one of the properties. I think she'll be okay even if she does get a fine, what's the worst it could be? $10-15K Damn, she just got chunk of money...It's gonna be alright, don't worry Mom duke...

Haze is coming through later to chill with me with a movie and make some drinks while we order in. X-ray is going out on a date with her homegirl and she's made it clear that X-ray better not bring her back to my crib. Haze dont mind X-ray staying with me since she's always liked him but she dont want him bringing her homegirl back here when they finish their date. Ummm, Why? I ain't dating her X-ray is and it's her friend at that...wassup with that? We say we gonna wrap this up one way or another...whatever we doing because we not in a relationship but not seeing other people either. We will begin to either wined down our "relationship" or just go ahead and make it official. As I sit here today I still dont know what it'll be, which I guess should give us our answer only if our pull for each other wasnt so strong. Either way I will enjoy her company....I always do!

2005-10-21T01:23:00.000-04:00

Ok.....more craziness! Tuesday night my boy X-ray who I just had drinks with last week in Harlem calls me in the middle of the night and leaves messages that he needs a place to crash. Yesterday we finally speak and he tells me him and the chick he lives got into some shit, it got a lil violent and got kicked out after the police came. He found some shit (some cards & notes) by accident in her day planner, confronted her then shit jumped off. Now dude is staying in my office/daughter's room for a few days. I dont think he going back though, the crib aint even in his name. This cat makes around the same salary as I do which is almost six figures and he aint got shit to show for it. He is an idiot. He furnished the spot, got them both in the spot with all the fees & security and stuff, now dude is homeless....aint this some shit? I can't even tell you how many times I told him DON'T DO IT!! Don't give up a spot you already have solo to get a new spot with some chick, especially if you absorbing all the costs. The chick can't even afford the spot without him but she wanna keep him out of there just for spite, knowing she gonna be kicked out in 2-3 mos due to non payment of rent anyway. So now he staying with me and puttin a crampin on my style and crib, right now dude is laying out and napping on my sofa like its his, LOL....I know my man is kinda down and out so Imma have to bring him out to some of our spots the weekend and plug him into something nice. He's a hard working dude (3 jobs) and bummed out cuz he homeless.....just don't make no sense. Umm, more to come.....

2005-10-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

This weekend was very uneventful really, didnt do anything until today when I went out to brunch with someone. I was suppose to go to the movies last night but I simply just couldnt be bothered. Friday night was horrible weather, knees hurting and swollen so I just ordered in and had my feet up on the otterman all night watching tv. Saturday I was out and about all day since the sun finally came out. I ran errands, stopped in Harlem and headed out to Brooklyn to my aunts house in Flatbush. My dad had sent me there to pick up some paperwork for his uncle who died last week in Jamaica so he needed it and since I work were I work I could get the paperwork to him fast before the funeral.

Today I went to brunch down in the Soho area...a lil annoyed since we had to wait 20 mins to eat. I was always against that concept....waiting to eat, especially here in NYC. Too many choices. I did end actually enjoying the food, it was the second time there and probably my last for a while. I gotta explore other spots with my friend. My friend and I walked around Soho a lil bit, in and out a couple spots and stores. We went to Delancey Street for a lil while then ended up at Filines Basement at Union Square. I picked out a soft ass throw for my sofa, two rugs, socks and candles and only spent about $50 bucks. I gotta come back here more often. I got home about 7ish again just layed around for the rest of the night....overall a very noneventful relaxing weekend...

2005-10-13T00:39:00.000-04:00

This rain is driving me crazy....enuff already, jeez! My knees are swollen and killing me and I'm just tired of being wet all the time. Haze came over last night and we was suppose to cook together but we ended up going to the Orient for dinner then coming home and jumping straight into bed. So tonight I cooked the chicken breast that I took out for dinner before leaving for work. My culinary skills are really improving. They were always good actually but now I'm cooking some real good ass dinners lately. I was tempted to call this chick who's been sending me a lot of IM's lately. The pictures she sent me are on fire dog...I'm talking nice, but right now I just aint ready to mix and match since all my focus is on Haze right now even though she seems restless. We agreed we ain't a couple but we still acting like we a couple and living with couple commitments like calling, other partner or interest etc even though we aint having sex. Weird, very weird I know....But back to this chick. She wants to have drinks after work this week but I know that aint happening and don't really want it to. Its just refreshing to talk to a chick, an attractive chick without the heavy implications that sometimes come with having a coversation with a woman your in a situation with.

I'm watching and listen to the ALCS on the big screen, eating and typing....kinda sounds like I'm at work, LOL. Still trying to figure out what I really want and if she can be the one to give it to me. In the meantime Imma stay on my grind and stay focused on work, at least that's crystal clear for me....

2005-10-08T16:03:00.000-04:00

Last night I ended up at one of my Harlem lounge spot for an afterwork drink with my boy X-ray. It was a good look up in the spot too, music was good and some nice pieces was up in there as well. I'm sitting at the bar waiting for dude watching the Yankee/Angels game and having my usual gin & cranberry. I smell something....perfume, close by, as in like RIGHT over my shoulder and as I turn her lips kinda meet my cheek/ear area. It's Crystal...she says hey stranger, what a surprise seeing you. She thinks I'm meeting a chick and don't want no drama with that so she reminds me how I dissed her but she still loves me. As we like half-a hug cuz I'm still sittin on a bar stool X-ray is starting to walk thru the door. Crys is stilling with her girlfriend and realizes that I'm meeting a dude and comes back over and say you tricked me and we should come over to their table, LOL. Nah, I'm good, this chick is crazy, thats why I had to dead that in the first place....We stay for an hour and a half and bounce, he goes to a chick crib and since it was drizzling all day and night and I'm already in Harlem I head to "Charles" up by the Polo Grounds and order a rib dinner with mac & greens. I love that shit, yo!!

2005-10-05T01:47:00.000-04:00

I'm so exhausted I can barely type...having vertually no sleep and a full belly isn't conducive to writing a blog that's for sure. I had series of really boring labor meetings in midtown today with my Dir of Labor and some operations management people. Ugh! Talking about the nuances of contract language is never exciting but we ended up just shooting the breeze about different HR & Labor experience, actually it was very funny in the end. I was gonna pick up Haze since she works in midtown too and drive to Harlem together but by the time I called she as already home.....and immediately apologizing to me again!

Last night I'm home chilling and about to go to bed around 1ish, as I was plugging up my phones to be charged it rings, its Haze's girlfriend. She says this chick is pissy drunk and dont know her nose from her asshole. They went so some bar after for a combo birthday party/MNF game on tv in midtown. Haze's girlfriend begs me to come down and meet her in Harlem so I can take care of Haze in her super drunken state. So I put on my clothes and head on downtown and meet them in front of Haze's apartment building. Yup, she's right....she's wasted! Initially I was gonna take her to my spot in The Bronx but quickly realized she'd never make it up there so I was just gonna try to get her up to her apartment. Besides, Haze is quick to throw up and aint want her doing that shit in MY car, so we try to make our way up her 5 story walkup staircase. Dayum...ever try to get a drunk person to do something they dont wanna do?

Yeah, I know! She's walking up the stairs barefoot stagering everywhere, striping her clothes off as she going up the stairs...just everything associated with a drunken person is pretty much what she was doing. We finally get inside the apartment and she immediately strip down to the nude. She runs around the apartment buck nekkid bumping into shit. Goes and stands up in the window nekkid...chick was really acting up. She runs into the bathroom, hugs the bowl and starts to....yup!!! Begging to feel better she continues to hug the toilet, but to her credit gets up and brushes her teeth...LOL (some hygiene huh). Now remember she's still nekkid and is now trying to unbutton my pants telling me she wants to fuck and how I make her feel good and my fingers are wonderful and I'm an idiot for not thinking we can be a couple like was always talk about. There's no way I'm screwing this chick in this condition so I just put a robe on her since we're still in the bathroom and walk her back to her bedroom. It's now about 3am and she's finally starting to lose energy and get tired/sleepy, but before then goes into a tirade of what an asshole I am and slaps me flush in the face. I wanted to break that chicks neck but I was good (she was so drunk I coulda prolly got away with it) though and just put her down on her bed and she drifted off to sleep. I layed down for about 2-3 hours and left at 6:30 to go home, shower, dress and get back down to midtown for my labor meetings.

Even when I wanna chill something happens....Jeez!!!

2005-10-02T17:49:00.000-04:00

Yeah I broke down....Haze text'd me to thank me and let me know she was thinking about me. (Shoo, I was thinking bout her just as much) My man from the westside was throwing his 35th birthday party down at the 40/40 Club last night so the whole team was going, about 20 of us. He had it all set up in one of the room/lounges upstairs in the "Hall of Fame" room. It was suppose to be a real good look, a birthday party among 15-20 childhood friends, watching the Jones/Tarver fight (garbage), drinks and nice pieces flowing in and outta the room all night.....

Well on Friday I return Haze's text asking if she interested in going to 40/40 with me. She's only been in NY a year since coming from California and knew she probably had been there yet. Plus I knew my other chick from Cali was already in town and I swore to myself I wasnt gonna speak to her or see her. I knew being with Haze would dead even the remote possibility of that happening. So all day Saturday Im running around knocking out my weekly errands, home depot, dry cleaning, dropping off laundry, going to Target & Macy's, haircut, etc...So I finish and a dude is looking GOOD bruh, damn when I get dressed up I be making it happen. Now as a Human Resources Mgr, I wear a suit and tied every day but Saturday night I had a simple white work button down shirt, nice SJ jeans, light brown shoes, and a light brown suede jacket. Nice!!

Now we in 40/40, Haze, I and about 10-12 other people and finally get brought up to the "Hall of Fame" room but with my luck Jay-Z & Beyonce are in the club to watch the fight and keep the people out of a nother private room and they all get escorted into our private room. It got crowed in a hurry (acutally there were people in there b4 we got there).....Note to self...Don't Fuck wit 40/40 on any renting private rooms shit...We still ended up having a good time though, by the time we left Haze could barely walk from being drunk and wearing 4' stilettos, trying to be cute, LOL. Since Haze lives in Harlem it took no time getting from 40/40 on 25th to Harlem. We both end up crashing and falling out on her bed about 6:30ish am sunday morning. As always she always wears the cute lil bedsets (panties and a kinda top), very cute and she's consistent with it too for the two years I've know her if she aint in the nude she got her lil night panties/top set on. Because she has an indian mother and black father her hair is like a white girl's and all over the place.....but damn she smelled good:-)

2005-09-29T02:51:00.000-04:00

I kinda feel like I lost my best friend. Maybe I feel like that because 95% of the time we were together there was no sex involved during this period of exploring out possibilities, love and emotions for the last time. Definitely strong feelings, intimacy and showings of affection but no sex...very little anyways. She wanted to know where we stood last night since we had been at this a few weeks now and she needed to know so she could do somethings she needed to do either way I responded. Well, I told her all of my concerns and feelings I articulated about her a few weeks back still exist (look back in my archives). This woman is such a great woman, an intelligent woman and could have been the ONE for me but she just couldn't let be me without it changing who she is as a woman. In a weird way I honestly understand that. Now I'm not demanding to have a mistress on the side or to have things the way I want it all the time like some tyrant without allowing her the same opportunity...it was nothing like that. But she insists on me having zero contact with other women in my past PERIOD. No contact at all for any reason and I have always thought this is unreasonable and unfair. I don't need them in my life (I'm usually the one DOING the favor not receiving the favor) but regarding one former girlfriend I have transformed that past relationship into solid friendships with and this was a deal breaker for her, just like changing my cell phone number after almost 8 years was a deal breaker for me. I just wasn't gonna do it. So it's over...and we're over but now I'm kinda regretting that decision because at the end of the day I really did consider this woman my best friend....

Now with saying that maybe she has a point because I had an uncomfortable conversation with Doc a few nights for writing me that love letter professing her feelings for me even though I thought we were good friends. However I did make that decision to not engage those feelings with Doc so my point is I can handle this type of situation when it comes up. She just could not trust me to make that decision. So she gave me my keys back even though Cali is coming from Bay Area this weekend and wanted to see me....For two weeks I was unsure of about seeing Cali and thats one of the reasons why I gave the keys to Haze so I wouldnt dare slip up. The other was deep down I knew it couldnt materialize into anything substantial but I guess I wanted to see her one last time. She lives in California so I know I'm never gonna see her again anyway but that's why I dont need to be seeing her. So, I guess cuz its finally 100% over between Haze and I because her main point has always been since she didnt want me to have ANY female friends she would feel guilty now for wanting to be a friend now that SHE's on the other side of the fence and we won't be a couple anymore. Well, I still aint gonna see Cali....for what? What would we accomplish anyway? I'm not going through that California madness again. I need to heel up and get emotionally right once and for all so when I do meet HER I'll be ready.

I'm annoyed cuz the damn Redsox lost tonight and the Yankees won so now we are a game outta 1st place with 4 games left to play even though 3 outta the 4 is at Fenway... nothing is going my way this week. To top it off, unless I hear differently I'm firing one of my managers I'm cool with sometime tomorrow.

Ugh!!! Not a good couple of days! This sucks!

2005-09-27T02:04:00.000-04:00

Why this chick think she know me like that? She sends me a blog and basically says "that's me", so read it, I have the same issues as dude. Fukk dat....Yeah it might be similiar on the surface, but that's where it ends, but I do understand dudes pain though. It's real shit out here dealing with these damn chicks...where do you draw the line? I am not really accesible to ANYONE, even those I love. I hardly answer my phone even when I'm alone and go 2 or 3 days before checking voicemails. The bottomline...I just dont care! Babygirl is the only call I'll always answer immediately and every single time. NOBODY ELSE GETS THAT.....NOBODY!!

I get a letter from a woman I use to date years ago when I was doing things I had no business doing in my former life. I was crazy and reckless back then, but this chick still love a dude regardless of what I did or where I went. While I disappeared for "a while" and she went on to handle her biz and receive a Master's Degree & a Ph.D from big time college programs. I always valued Doc's advice and friendship she gave me. I loved that chick and still do actually for everything she has done for me (which is alot) since the late 80's (damn that sounds maad old, LOL) and we in our mid 30's now. I've had 3 significant relationship since we last dated and although we haven't seen each other for a few years we still speak and IM frequently. A month ago I helped her and a friend out with a serious HR issue and actually got her and her friend/colleague some money from severance money from their former employer. I say this just to say the advice and respect went both ways, especially since she says I've past her in terms of career accomplishments over the last few years.

Well, she wrote me a 3 or 4 page letter express her love for me. Not the kind of respect type of love I thought we developed since our phyiscal relationship ended. Lemme tell you though this is a fine chick, who use to have like a F cup (I think, LOL)...she'd never tell me her cup size she told me her husband would be the only one who'd know. She did get a breast reduction though, she still a D cup just incase your wondering...LOL With that figure of hers its still beautiful ya'll, she has a beautiful body, not its just more proportioned. Anyway, I'm getting of track here, LOL. I'm disappointed because now she changed the game. I've told this woman extremely intimate details about Babygirl's Mom, Ole Reliable & Haze. Now to think back and know for all that time she's loved me and lusted after me kinda makes me feel weird. I called her to talk about the letter. I didn't get her that night and now it seems I've lost my nerve to talk about it a lil bit. Why Doc? Why? Damn girl!

I'm definitely calling her tomorrow though...so ya'll stay tuned. A blogger wrote which I'll copy for right now. "I am not in a relationship right now, but it's safe to say my love life is very complicated". Jeez, man!!! Ugh!

2005-09-26T02:21:00.000-04:00

My apartment looks kinda nice with this lil change around...It's a good look! I just moved the furniture around and the big screen since I was restless due to sleeping all day and watching the Jet game this afternoon. I spent the night in Harlem after having dinner along with four cadillac margarita's and was just lazy all day (we were both so lazy) she was still nodding off & sleeping at 6:45PM when I was ready to leave to come home. We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant on Amsterdam Ave in the 80's. I had the BEST steak I had in about a year or two. It was so juicy and delicious, man I just keep thinking how good that steak was.

Now listen, I swear I don't make this stuff up...I leave her apartment and I'm driving up 8th ave and I'm at a stop light. I look to my left and simply nod pleasantly to the chick driving the car, but I still feel eyes on me even though I'm looking straight ahead. I pull off and this woman pulls behind me and flashes her high beams for me to pullover. It's a chick I used to date years ago and of course she from Harlem. I get a crazy big long hug but was trying to let go fast because I think I smelled, literally and prolly needed a shower (Shoo, I haven't even brushed my teeth yet and its 7pm). She wasn't trying to let go of me but she did smell good and look good though:-) We were outta the car chatting for a few minutes talking about this and that and the San Gennaro festival she just came from. She says I still cross her mind and always wondered what happened to me and if I still live up in the NE Bronx (I met her when I first moved in that spot) I'm surprised she still remembered but she asks if my cell and email are still the same so I guess I shouldn't be surprised...but still that was 5 years ago.

Overall, I had a pretty good weekend (still thinking bout that great steak) LOL. I got a lot of work and personal errands done which I really needed especially since I was in Jamaica for a week. I didnt even make it to my mothers and I know I got maad mail up there too. Messing around in Harlem I didn't even make it to Target either I need a Birchwood CD/DVD stand. As soon as I get that my little re-design will be pretty much complete.

I'm ready for the week but I know I have a uncomfortable conversation coming up with Cali because I've decided not to see her while she here next weekend. i know she's gonna be super disappointed. First I tell her we wont spend the weekend together then tone it down to we'll have dinner while your here. Now....nothing at all! To make sure I don't waiver I told "you know who" to keep my keys til Monday after she's gone so I won't even be tempted. No way I'm doing anything with an extra set of keys to my spot floating around out there. Besides I shouldn't have any attitudes from her this week, she has no reason to have one now that she's got access to my spot for the week. She's got this thing about being replaced by the "new" Cali in my mind and how I view things...Umm, well as nice as the new one is, it's safe to say there's only one first and one original Cali.

2005-09-23T01:34:00.000-04:00

My office is sponsoring a family from the Gulf area. I'm so happy about that. I wish my life was stable enough that maybe I could adopt a kid from down there like my admin is doing. I feel I have so much to share emotionally I'd love to be able to do that.....

I feel good right now, but I miss you know who. Talking to her tonight evoked some feelings what were always simmering beneath the surface. It saddens me to think she really believes I'll screw anything behind her back. Just because I did what I did while she was in California that doesn't mean I'd do those things now when she's in Harlem. Isnt that a big difference, being in Oakland and being in Harlem? Since she's lived in NY and we've been together I haven't cheated or been in any other womans presence for that matter. She really think I'll smash anything if she's not with me and that bothers me.....

I'm so glad tomorrow's friday...I'm ready for the weekend. I'll see her and she'll make me giddy and excited (most of the times) as usual. We suppose to be trying to see a Soldiers Story play:) We'll see.....

Today is my mothers birthday....she is 59 today!!! I miss her! Yes she's alive, ya'll but didn't get to speak to her yet but I did leave a message earlier:-)

2005-09-22T00:08:00.000-04:00

Being back home for a couple days is now pretty much business as usual. The grind and the routine BS is back in full effect. I was glad to be home though and back in my bed. I sleep very well in my bed now that I think about it. It's prolly because I'm exhausted when I get in my damn bed every night so of course I sleep well, LOL. I woke up Sunday prepared and cooked Haze an authentic Jamaican breakfast with Ackee and saltfish with some breadfruit. The food took two hours to prepare. She smile alot but hardly ate, I could tell she aint really like it....Fukk it, I tried! I forgot about the damn African-American parade in Harlem, shit...it took me two hours to get home between taking her down there and coming back home. I really do enjoy being home though. I haven't done too much to my place in probably two months. This coming weekend Imma change some furniture around and do some things around the apartment. Winter's coming I can already tell I'm gonna be nice and cozy in my spot.

I should have enrolled in school this semester, it's bothering me. I let that damn girl affect my business and didn't end up registering....never again! Today is Wednesday and I got some calls this week from past situations I was in...mostly to see if I was back in town and how the trip was. What is the edicate on disclosure on generic calls like that from those kind of people? Do I have to tell her every phone call I recieve even if its a regular generic 5-10 mins conversation? Jeez, it can be annoying at times how paranoid she can be...literally over nothing. Why can she just understand if I wanted to be with these women....I'd be with them and not trying to and wanting to spend time wit her ass. I can believe how much energy we waste having heated discussions about how other chicks are scheming to get me back or sleep with me when I ain't checking for them and they not thinking bout me like that either. How ironic is it my old inbetween chick from Queens got married and sent me a pic. WHY WAS WE DISCUSSING THAT VERY CHICK THIS WEEKEND?...HOW IRONIC IS THAT? I'm just getting tired of always being below sea-level with Haze and its getting old....fast! Today she gets annoyed because while she mentioned the 2 other people I've had dealings with in the last 3 or 4 mos and after reading her blog bring up the 15 plus dudes she mentioned in her blog over that same time period. Regardless if they're 1 and done type dates or dem cats were/are ongoing she still ran through a lotta of dudes. Shoo, dont be mad at me....what I do? Shit you was definitely doing you and loving it so what you getting pissed for now? It's all bullshit....I dont care if she knows it.....I know it!

My acquintance that I've never met or seen from the meetup called me today. Our conversations are strickly uplifting for her being new in NYC and just very friendly, no dating vibes or nothing. I have no idea what she looks like, how old she is or about her dating situation, if any. Umm, I hope she's adjusting I feel bad for her sometimes and she seems lonely at times. She wants to meet for lunch or for a drink after work since I missed the last meetup. She threw it out there but I didnt really acknowledge it or respond. If she asks again maybe we'll meet.

2005-09-17T14:54:00.000-04:00

On friday afternoon and night I was hanging out with this woman who I've been seeing (not dating seeing, just literally viewing) all week at our resort. The eye contact, pleasantries and courtesy smiles has been there all week but either of us said anything to each other. She reminds me of Cali with the same type of build and complexion. She's what we call "half-casted" another deroggatory Jamaican/English term meaning multi-ethnic. She here with her black jamaican (I think his Jamaican) father and white mother and brother. Again everything this is so obvious in this place, LOL. So anyways Friday after lunch we finally sit, actually lay on a beachchair next to each other poolside listening to the reggae house band playing in sorta gazebo like kinda thing. She extends her hand over to me and says in a VERY thick British accent "Hi my name is Brandy". I reply to her "I already know who you are" and we start laughing....immediately the edge & tension is gone. I saw her like 3 or 4 times every day for the whole week around the resort with her family whether at the bar, restaurant, the beach or poolside. I knew she was English and of course she knew I was at least American if not from NY. But another dude named Marcus from Houston who I hungout with as another black man from the US my age has been calling me NY all week around the complex so through talking to him and this other fine ass chick from England who I talked to in the pool days earlier she knew more about me than I realized.

She was definitely some really nice eye candy and I probably should have reached out before my last night at the damn resort, LOL. Nice girl though and since we've never spoken before we both had a lot of questions and were curious about things like each other lifestyles, careers, children, families, etc. Since we were both there with our families we could relate really well with each other and we both admitted that was a factor in not attempting contact in the first place, no opportunity since one of our families was always around. But there was literally no downtime regarding conversation and we were jumping all over the place from one subject to the next. She had more questions than I because of course everyone's facinated with NYC especially since she's never been and wants to come badly or so she says, LOL. We were both like damn....why we ain't speak sooner, LOL now I'm leaving in the morning and we can't stop talking, LOL. She did give me her business card though, some kinda graphic designer in London. I was suppose to run up to my room and give her one of my cards but of course I forgot, LOL and checked out like 8am Saturday morning for my cousins then the airport.

That day and evening kinda slavaged the trip I enjoyed her company instead of being a damn referee between ma duke and grandma all week. I told her if she ever came to NY with that accent, face & body she's gonna do a lotta damage on dem cats back home. Umm, she had ME thinking for a quick second but snapped out of it just as fast. That body was sumthing else though, LOL....

2005-09-15T19:08:00.000-04:00

Since Saturday, I'm strickly on a fish and rum diet. Pepper fish, Stew fish, Estcovich fish, Mackeral & Snapper and I'm loving it no chicken, no beef, nuthing but fish. Everything is so interwined with nature and natural resources especially food. I can't think of anything I've consumed whether the fish, vegatables or fruit that's older than maybe two days old. Everything regarding food is fresh and I mean FRESH!

The resort that I'm staying in is nice, but the rooms themselves are not so nice. It's in a villa style and the grounds and layout are really beautiful and we have direct access to the beach and ocean behind the resort. The rooms though look cheap and the water pressure sucks and its a shame because the layout of the property is really nice with the villa style layout instead of a hotel building. The inner courtyard always has something going on though which I like. The house band plays every night poolside and the vibe is really nice, its everything you think an island resort should have in terms of vibe and appearance this place has. Even the bar seems to be the place to be, even people who live here come to the bar for drinks. It's like the happening place on this particular strip.....Nice!!

2005-09-13T22:39:00.000-04:00

I'm here and I'm loving it. Although I'm probably biased, this island is so beautiful it's amazing. I've been here two days and have just really got into my family that I haven't seen in years. It's funny to finally meet people you've been hearing about your whole life but never met. The same probably goes for them too they've all been hearing about me since I was a kid, LOL My family lives up in the mountains about 6 or 7 miles from Ocho Rios (8 Rivers) in the Parish (County) of St. Ann. There are 13 parishes (counties) in Jamaica. For a country thats only 150 miles long and 51 miles at its widest point, Jamaica and Jamaicans have really done their thang....

My grandmother and I went walking today as she showed my some of her childhood play areas, hideaways and other places she often went as a child which some don't even exist anymore. But to think of my grandmother playing as a child in 1930's at these places and locations was crazy. My family is kinda divided along two lines I'm talking male and female. You got the natty dread dem rastafarians which is the concious Marcus Garvey, Haile Selassie side and the traditional rude bwoy dem....those cats are just in the streets.....running around crazy!

2005-09-10T01:04:00.000-04:00

I'm home now and have so much work to do before I fly out tomorrow morning. I just fired a 10 year manager earlier today and of course although he's aware I have to write a detailed report to my manager outlining what happened before I leave for a week...it'll take me forever. The damn Redsox are losing (had tix to the game too and couldn't go)....DAMN!!

Haze is having a rooftop party tonight. At the last minute she kind of half assed conveyed in conversation that I could come if I wanted to. She never actually said I'll like you to come to the party if you can. I would have thought she could have done that especially since she pretty much knew I wasn't going to come anyway. For starters, I'm leaving for Jamaica at 5am tomorrow morning and two her people's is coming to the party whether she believes he will or not so I definately wouldn't go for that reason alone. Anyway, I hope she has fun and its a success for her. Bigboy suppose to be going to the party after the game and XR is going too I think....They'll gimme the scoop when I get back.

It still hasnt quite sunken in yet that this time tomorrow I'll be in Jamaica and probably drunk off rumpunch....the REAL rumpunch, LOL...

Jamaica.....Here I come!!!

2005-09-01T00:27:00.000-04:00

I'm watching dateline and they're using the word "refugees" to describe all the displaced people fron N'Orleans....WOW! Here in America we have "American Refugees" this is so crazy. That word has always been associated with war torn locations of the world like Central & West Africa, Central America & Eastern Europe...NOT -- New Orleans.

I made a nice dinner for myself tonight...See you can be creative when your home alone and broke, LOL. I've been cooking rather frequently, shoo Im even surprising myself too...My baby called me a half hour ago and asks for $250 dollars because she wants to play the violin and the violin cost $500 so she wants her mom and I to go half....Only my daughter would wanna play the damn violin, right..LOL Jeez! I can't say no to her so Imma send it when I come back from Jamaica. She's said that she cant come, she wants to meet her cousin's Ma duke keeps tell her about and babygirl is very curious about them as they are her. I'll send her a postcard while Im there. I believe she has about 11 or 12 postcards from me from different cities around the US. Thats our lil thang...sending and keeping postcards, she even has them in some kinda binder. She kept me laughing the whole convo...except for the money part....LOL

I think I wanna go out tomorrow and do something...the person I wanna do something with ain't (may never) ready to see me. I want to do something though...Umm, very limited choices these days but going out alone never hurt nobody...gotta call Kee, she'll know whats going on. She's like a low budget Haze, always in the know bout free shows/concerts/activities and that kinda stuff...

Hope it don't rain...been alone all week, I feel like being around people!

2005-08-31T01:39:00.000-04:00

I maybe famous today....

I felt like I worked for City Hall today...it was absolutely crazy. I am awakened early this morning by one of my managers in Brooklyn telling me the Fire Chief & Con Ed won't allow him to open his building, this was 6am. By the time I get there it's pure chaos outside. There are underground transformers exploding underneath our feet...kinda felt like a mini earthquake. After an hour we were let back inside....why did two more manholes explode blowing one of my workers across the street onto a parked car and lifting a driving car at least a feet in the air setting it on fire WITH another one of my drivers still inside. Yo....it was really scary to see and made me immediately think of 9/11. I remember all my senses being on high alert just like that Tuesday morning of 9/11. Damn, its like anything violent now we immediately thinking bout dem damn A-rabs, I knew it was a con ed issue but I still got that same feeling. I DONT LIKE IT!!! Anyway I provided two interviews later this afternoon with Channel 5 & 9 regarding our station explosions and my guys who were injured....thank god they're okay, a bit shakey and scratched up but okay....

The events today keep my mind off Haze and the events/conversations yesterday and last weekend. I realized after last night that I really have no back-ups anymore....I've been with Haze so long now that I'll literally several months, maybe six, seven, eight mos since I've actually engaged someone and actually made REAL plans to see them, not just "talk" or "IM talk". Now that Haze, Cali & Dee are all gone from my life in a 24-48 hr period, I couldnt even get a girl to see me now even if I wanted to....I've got no other irons in the fire. I'm alright with this but I've never been this dry before (companionshipwise), I got no one waiting in the wings. I talk alot especially online but I dunno, you gotta move me to make me wanna see you and between work and me just wanting to be home and relax deep down I guess I aint feeling nobody else. Shoo, a week ago my plate was full with the 3 ladies above....NOW I HAVE NONE...Jeez!

I hope they play my sound bite on TV, but Imma watch it from the bed. (damn, I still smell Haze too, she's really a woman's woman). I'm depressed & tired, Im going to bed!

2005-08-29T18:05:00.000-04:00

I'm kinda proud of myself right now!

Today, I....ME:-) initiated two very uncomfortable conversations and both turned out alright and not as bad as I thought...well one wasn't. The funny thing is I initiate these kinda conversations every day at my job as an HR Mgr, but when it comes to my personal life....Umm, I dunno...N E WAY....LOL

I got my usual midday (as I think it's actually weekly or twice a wk really) IM from Cali and she sees my "Day 1" message along side my sign on. Ordinarily I would have told her something other than what it really meant, which is my day 1 without my previous emotional baggage, but today I didn't, I told her to call me because we needed to talk. I began to tell her what that message really meant and told her I can't do what we talked about in regards to her coming here....I just can't, I really can't! These past few days have even more refined what I really want out of my life right now. Initially the conversation started out okay but took an awkward turn as it moved from what had happened to me this wknd to why she can't come (if I'm the only or main reason) As much as I really, really dig her she can't provide me with what I need right now. The only reason she probably can't is because of the distance and where she is lives too, same city, almost same damn neighborhood. Too much coincidences, too much alike (actually not) they are NOTHING alike. But I need her to understand it was nothing that she did or said, it was me all me...there is just too much self reflection going on right now in me. I've never been a good faker, if something's wrong or not right you'll know. I can't hide it, never could.

I offered to repay her the money for her ticket but she said she's coming anyway she loves it here plus had other things lined up anyway (shopping, spa's, etc) and has no problem finding a place to stay, she says she will probably stay with one her girlfriends I met along with her when we were introduced that first night at Ida Mae's. Since she asked, I did guarantee her dinner any night she wants while she is here...shoo, thats the least I can do right? Besides, now that Dee's and Haze are permanently gone from my life the chances of me being otherwise occupied are rather slim at this point. Plus Im leaving for Jamaica for a week too so dinner probably would be good for me anyway, just coming back home and being alone. I just didn't want pretend that this is something it ain't or is leading into anything because it's not. I'm not getting hurt like that again....I'm not! The convo still ended well though as she told me how much of a wonderful man I am as I said the same about her being a wonderful woman and am so proud of her accomplishments especially as being a black woman in this world. She says in closing "I'm still holding you to dinner and I at least wanna SEE your place, so you aint completely getting of the hook". Wow, how can she not be upset? She's gotta be at least annoyed but didn't show it at all...maybe because she's at work, but if she was she hid it well, something I'm unable to do.

Man, that convo was actually easy compared to the call to Dee this morning. I'm sure she has caller ID because the tension between us was immediate when she picked up the phone. I couldn't even get the usual pleasantries out of my mouth before she blurted out...."Are you back with her?" "Is that what this phone call is for?" Then it starts....I think for the rest of the conversation I must of said 3 or 4 sentences. I told Haze maybe a week or two ago...things are never as they seem. They never are! Dee told me she was sick to her stomach thinking about us together for that entire time thinking that we had made up and doing the things that made up couples do....see what I'm saying, it couldnt have been further from the truth. Just like Haze wouldn't believe me when I told her about some weird or odd stuff that didn't make any sense even though they were all true. I didn't even bother to tell her Haze and I did not sleep together cuz she would have never believed me anyway and besides it was none of her business because it was over, but again my point is...nothing is as it seems.

Long story short she told me that I'm everything she wants in a man in terms of responsibility, sexual, careerwise, caring, the whole 9. She says I'm husband material and could easily have fallen in love with me but she can no longer continue to be around me and date me with the fear of me leaving her for my ex at any given time at the drop of a hat. Stating that she has never been #2 and won't start now, she has too much pride for that. I tell her how I understand and never meant to hurt her in anyway and thats why I tried to be so honest from the beginning, but it still came back to bite me in the end. I told her what a great and wonderful woman she is and how she's made me conscious and aware of things many things and she responds by telling me I'm one of the most intelligent and kind men she ever met and dealt with and with my drive and determination I will go far in whatever I choose. She tells me to go get this woman and not to let her go because I can't let go anyway so I might as well fight until I can't fight anymore for her. We say we'll still speak from time to time but both know it's a lie...and wish each other well. She still gives me ideas and places to go for my fish/fry I was to have this wknd with her friends and mines at my apt. She doesnt even know I'm not having it anymore....besides, its not even relevant anymore.

In a weird way I feel liberated....Today I am truly and completely single. I'm single as a dollar bill, but I'm not down and out like I was before at Ma Dukes earlier this summer. I feel like I am at the start of something, something good....

2005-08-29T00:04:00.000-04:00

A very emotionally bitter/sweet phase in my life is finally truly over...No coming back over!

Although I love this specific person very, very deeply I have spent the better part of 4 to 5 days analysizing why. I consider her to be the love of my life but as you read on you and I are gonna ask why... but she is, simply because she has made me feel like NO OTHER WOMAN has ever made me feel ever in my entire life. The other day she seemed a lil down and asked me if I thought she was a good person. Surprising to me, I REALLY had to think of things to say. My biggest flaw with her probably from day 1 was my inability to tell her things I should or needed to say out of fear of rejection from her and losing her altogether. Me being unable to tell her things, hurtful things, things she needed to hear whether about her or me or even my own discretions was eventually the death of me. I needed that woman's love like a baby needs milk, sometimes to the point of being outright nervous borderline scared of losing that love. I needed that woman's love and didnt want to say anything to diminish that. Our conversation was brought on by another situation/conversation she had days earlier (I think) where HER friends had called her selfish, shallow and stuck-up among other things. Now, this woman generally is a nice person but has major, major flaws as we all do. I am embarrassed to having to admit to myself that I have deeply loved a woman who is as shallow as a two foot deep pond. She has loads and loads of love to give her man who ever that maybe and of course her dad, but that's it....no, thats REALLY it! She has no drive, no determination, no goals, no ambitions, no nothing, she talks about everything and does nothing. I listened to this woman give me excuse after excuse over a 2 hr period last night about why she has no passion about anything in life and why she lives like a butterfly, never staying or following through on anything just floating from one situation to another whether it's romantic, educational, social or careerwise. All this woman has ever done is talk, there has never been any action in ANYTHING, except as she calls it being whatever the man she has in her life wants her to be.... What the hell is that????. I can't think of anything more shallow and ridiculous, Jeez!!! Does she actually listen to herself?....My god! She probably thought I bought that shit too....

I cannot and will not compare her to anyone else because I will always judge people on their own merit and what the bring to they table, but it is not lost on me that the person I was in a relationship before her has the determination, heart and ambition of a LION, a roaring lion. She overcame obstacle after obstacle before me and while with me (not because of me) which is one of the reasons and I respect this woman SO much. Now being that I must fully disclose the fact Haze says the same thing about me, that I have no follow through and I'm all talk and no action when it comes to the relationship she & I had (which I disagree with but she does have valid arguments though) but even for arguments sake if it were true she can only say that in ONE area of my life, not my entire life....there is a difference. She however cannot say that or even come close. Even so, I am also embarrassed to admit to myself and anyone who reads this that I am definitely to blame for her and I being where we are or were. It's prolly 75% my fault because I was somewhat reckless, no...VERY RECKLESS (lying & cheating) in the early relationship phase of my life with her while she was in CA which for all intent and purposes broke the foundation of any future between us because being in a relationship wasn't the most important thing to me IN my life at the time. I just didnt believe the things she was saying to me and as a result of that it was my and eventually our downfall because of my subsequent actions because of that fact of not believing her. It wasn't my focus with Ole reliable either to be perfectly honest. My money, career, education and doing what I had to do to set myself up for long term success and earning potential was thee most important thing to me...PERIOD, but still I did love them both and wanted to be with them....well Haze I did! Being with Ole reliable was always driven on a loyalty factor because of the time she had met me in my life, it wasn't driven off love like Haze. However, I was shamefully wrong by not disclosing that to those two individuals, but feel definitely more guilty about Haze because I know I am a primary reason she came to NY in the first place. The sad thing is for me is I didnt even realize this myself until the last two months in which I had major self reflection about my life...due to Haze leaving me for the last time. Now because of those things I did do careerwise/educationally over that last same 2-4 year period I am where I wanna be. So NOW being in a relationship IS the MOST important thing to me. I am not focusing on my career, child custody issues or where I live anymore. The one thing I am missing the now and want most of all is a good woman to be by my side who's got my back as I do hers. Where my life finds me now I can honestly say that and mean that....

I have spent the better part of last night and today alone to ponder my thoughts about her knowing I will probably never see her again and even if I do it won't be the same. Unconsciously last night I gave her too much credit for the strides I've made in my life the last two years probably because I was emotional, which I always am over her. Again, because of my emotional state and at times pure desperation for this woman I attributed MY growth to her when in retrospect she was probably a deterrent to my growth whether it was my career or my new home life...I've noticed like the condo I bought and my job offers she always leaving me at the worse and most pivotal period when I need her the most. But in turn she knows I am/was always there for her. When/If her back is/was against the wall she knows I AM THERE AND WILL NOT HIDE UNTIL EVERYTHING IS BETTER AGAIN & REAPPEAR, whether its major money she needs, moving or just bringing her soup if she's sick....sorry I digressed, but I know that when it's time to stand up... I ALWAYS STAND UP!. We were actually breaking up for the 1st time around when I was offered a position making almost $25K more than my current job at the time. I asked for her opinion because I valued it and still do actually. She said take it, you need to grow, to put your career goals in motion, go be with the big boys. She was soooo right, but was I really gonna turn down a $24.2K bump in salary if she had said no DON'T take it? Ummmm!! Exactly!! Even now, I should have enrolled @ UCONN for my Fall classes to finally finish up my Masters, but I cannot. Simply put, I do not trust myself right now because of the emotional state this woman repeatedly puts me in to be able to excel in my classes, papers & thesis, but in turn I'm sure I put her through the same state...maybe worse, dunno.

Still with that said I miss this woman. I love this woman but because of what we had to do this week I destroyed a GOOD potential relationship with someone else who at least on paper was a better fit for me because of her staying with me since Wednesday. How can I try to reestablish something with this NEW woman after telling her my EX has been with me and slept in my bed for the last 5 days? Then ask how she's doing and can she come over or can I see her?....Yeah right!! She always knew though from the beginning I was never completely over Haze and that really concerned her. So because of that I have to let that die too if she didnt already sever me over our last conversation... I dunno, but either way I wants no part of that...but I will call tomorrow just out of common decency to confirm what I already feel, do the right thing and apologize. I'M JUST coming out of that exact shit with Haze, why would I want to start THAT foundation of suspicion and uneasiness with someone new all over again? Nah, I'm good!!!!

We needed these past several days together though and for all her faults she's the one made this happen and who made us each examine our own feelings for each other and examine why we feel the way we do. You truly know its over when there's calm and peace afterwards, its almost sobering actually. Everything has been thoroughly thoughtout, no arguing, no irrational attacks, no emotional outbusts..... everything's calm and rational. As much as I love this woman and I know she loves me....she truly does, we do not belong together. Not to say this condesendingly, belittlingly or as a joke but.....Get a life, because you truly do not have one!.....Just you loving your man does not count!

Goodbye, _ _ _ _ from Cali.....

2005-08-24T23:09:00.000-04:00

Ugh man, I'm tired...

Just drove back 4 hrs from Boston. I always love Boston, I love that town. While up there I called my lil Beantown shortie who had me up in some spots in Roxbury and So. Boston last night. She's always taking care of me when Im in town...I gotta take care of her when she finally makes it down this way. Work is consuming so much of my time these days, even though we went to some nice spots last night it dawned on me that I was still thinking about work. The money is nice but damn they make you earn it boy...I tell ya'!

I got you know who coming over tonight...dunno what'll be the outcome but since she suggested it I wanna at least explore it to see what happens. Man, Im ready for the proverbial family life, with this job I have its not condusive being single...I have no or lil single live to live. I'm actually ending this blog because Im spent....Imma wait for her to come and just chill. With my luck she'll prolly wanna go out and do something....hopefully not!!

2005-08-23T02:08:00.000-04:00

A nice summer evening out...

Just came in from a nice night out with Dee, nothing special, we went down to City Island all the way at the end where all the outside tables are in like a lil pier area and had some juice, then some virgin pina colada's...no alcohol tonight, not that we do a lot of drinking anyway. It was nice to be out on the water looking out towards the lights of the bridges. We talked about my fishfry, fight/spades party for Labor Day weekend and how we gonna do it and stuff, she seems more excited than me giving me ideas. I had some mini bullshit today which was just that bullshit and Im better off for it anyway, but still it bothered me a lil so I'm glad my boo came and got me. It was nice going out with no plans, just to be in good company is always nice. I'm going to Boston in the morning so I didn't wanna do anything too extravagant tonight, after leaving C.I. took a ride over by Country Club sat outside again by some water listening to crickets and talking. It's really nice out tonight especially by the water with the breeze blowing. My lil mama been wearing me out the last couple days and haven't been alone since last Tuesday or Wednesday so it was quite alright she ain't wanna come upstairs. She is continuing to grow on me which I love, however I can't let the events from today catapult me into diving into something I'm not ready for. I feel like she's just biding her time regarding me....waiting like one of those deep sea predators that lay traps for their prey and creep in for the kill...LOL

We are spending so much time together these days, I'm not sure what Imma do about Cali. She is coming and already has her ticket to come next month as soon a I get back from Jamaica. I just reemed someone (Haze) out today about non-disclosure of information. Dee and I have had a long talk weeks ago in which I told her I wasn't ready for a full-blown relationship and just wanted to keep it light right now even though I love her companionship (I really do) I was just annoyed I had to have that conversation after like a month of dating...LOL So with that said do I have to tell her another chick is coming to NY for 4 days JUST to see and stay with me for a long weekend? Umm, thats the dilemma...do I owe her that? She could be seeing other people too and more especially after our convo a few weeks ago...I know I will tell her something about the trip just how much Im not sure.

I'm planning a picnic for us on Saturday...Imma pick up all my supplies when I get back. She's gonna be so surprised, she loves just laying out in the grass under a nice big tree. I know just the place...its gonna be nice! See, stuff like this I'd never do a year ago and Im actually excited about doing them now...I know deep down I can't continue to see Dee as much as I am without it getting at least semi-serious but I really enjoy being around her....dunno what to do!

2005-08-21T15:09:00.000-04:00

About to headout for the day with Dee, but I'm still laying in bed entering this blog. I really gotta big up my man bigboy, luv ya fam...I'm loving this router set up he installed last night. Anyway Dee got up kinda early this morning, damnit...second day in a row I'm up earlier than I wanted to be, LOL. It was a great morning though, we've actually had a good run of consistent good/great times together. It was a heavy mix of sex, cooking breakfast together, heavy discussion and more sex. As we were watching NY1 looking at our options for today for fairs & festivals we watched a mayoral debate between all 4 candidates for the Democratic nomination. Somehow we got on the topic of American History, the Reconstruction period and it's relevancy to today. Why do SOME black women think men, especially black men don't enjoy and aren't knowledgeable in other topic's other than music, sex & sports? As she's in the bathroom as I write this, I don't know if I should be annoyed or happy she's more impressed with me now that I completely educated her on OUR country's history especially how it effected us blacks before, during and up to a 100 years after the Civil War. I got in depth about Jim Crow, Lincoln's & Jefferson impact (not Thomas) Plessy vs. Ferguson, Mason Dixon, National vs State economic structures, Brown vs. Bd of Ed, etc, etc...What was even more weird was that she got excited and wanted another round with me right after our, at times heated discussion about Am. History hence the bathroom visit & shower right now:-)

Why do women love self-reformed individuals like myself? They enjoy hearing stories about my old life and specifically how I transformed myself into what I am today. Between my mixed up ethnic background (from my dad & grandma), my criminal and law abiding past & education most or at least some women, black women (that's all I know) find me interesting or at least intriguing for the most part. I'm getting another strain of this effect with Dee today, we've been seeing each other at least 3 or 4x's a week and dating for almost two mos now and she says most recently as this morning..."you keep surprising me over and over again in so many areas!!" Well she hasn't even scratched the surface so I guess they'll be more surprises...LOL.

We're hungry again, LOL, LOL (don't ask) so we're going to this open outside brunch spot in New Rochelle right out on the water on the Sound for something light to eat then are going down to Harlem for Harlem Week. Imma try to go to the batting cage too this afternoon! Umm, she's making her presence constantly felt with me and fittin' in real nicely now shoo I'm definitely going with the flow....Ahh! I hear noises, she's outta the bathroom and coming.....gotta go!!

2005-08-21T02:55:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted since Monday, man its been a busy week fo sho...I'm burnt out and tired. I've been terminating people, high level people left and right even some very close to me professionally. My shortie's in my bed sleep and bigboy just left a half hour ago, he finally fixed my desktop and put in my router so I'll be entering my blogs from my sofa with my feet up or even in my bed via laptop...I tell him no ones coming through cuz I'm tired yet here she is...and sleep no less:-) It's okay though....I like it when she's here, she can enjoy the space, share my space without overkill so Imma let her sleep her pretty lil head to her hearts content..........Now, Last night my shortie and I had a great time. I had things done to me last night that havent been done in a loooong time, damn it was good! We stayed local, went to Cafe Louis for a drink (remember I had maad stress this week) then to the Orient to bring some food home. We ate as we watch the old Jamaican movie "The harder they come" with Jimmy Cliff, then off to the bedroom we went.

This morning I was awakened by scrubbing and scatching noises, I walk out to the kitchen and my baby is scrubbing the stove, countertop and other surfaces. She really had me surprised, shoo...I dunno what got into her but I was grinning, she had my kitchen smelling all lemony and nice. I just helped her up and gave her a huge kiss. "Just for that I'm making breakfast" I said go into the living room and watch TV...we jsut had a really good morning and afternoon. We went to Target, Pathmark and Home Depot then she left but now she's back again...as much as I fight it sometimes I really enjoy having a woman, my woman around all the time. We'll probably do the same thing all over again tomorrow or head down to Harlem too. Going to join her in the bed...Imma holla:-)

2005-08-16T02:47:00.000-04:00

Guess who called me tonight......Yeah man, Cali:-) That chick gives me that juice for real, its almost midnight and she still got me grinning and I hung up almost an hour ago. Glad I didnt go where I almost went tonight I was thinking because we wouldnt have spoken at least not like this. I told Haze today that nothing is ever as it seems but I do stand corrected because I really dig this chick and RIGHT NOW everything is as it appears. I wish she lived here sometimes....EVERYTHING would be so much easier to decide. Just something about her. That trip was one of my best ever and it was a business trip at that...imagine if the trip was just pleasure:) Anyway we talked and confirmed about her coming out here for THAT long weekend trip, I can see her in my bed now...DAMN! She got the tix over the weekend and its a go, she said she called but I didnt even get it. Im glad she went ahead and got 'em anyway, good ole jetblue, LOL. I dont know who's more excited me or her, LOL. I told her I got a super itinary lined up for her when she comes...it can't come soon enough and I stay grinning with I think about how it gonna be. So effective immediately we are officially on a count down we have less than a month...yeah baby!! She is just like me in so many ways and just as comfortable in the ghetto spots and in upscale places like me. I really like that chick I've decided Imma ride this feeling with her until the wheels fall off...how knows, this time next year I could be living in Oakland:-) Cali would love that, almost every convo she asks if they've said anything to me about it. She reminded me about her Vegas trip that I better come and tells me not to give away her free trip to FL either, she got plans...LOL (woops). I think I messed up:-) Stay tuned people.....hahaha...

2005-08-15T00:46:00.000-04:00

I am soooo proud of myself!! I made a hell of a dinner for myself tonight...some salmon, broccoli & rice prepared to perfection. I made a really nice dish with grandma's advice, it was delicious...I am very happy with myself. I'm getting into cooking now that I have an actual kitchen. I am thinking about having a nice romatic dinner this week for my peeps she deserves it too. Either way I'm at peace tonight, it's storming, thundering & lightening outside, perfect night to be inside. No company is even necessary either, I had a nice dinner and am sitting here relaxing watching TV. I love my TV, it's the best money I've spent in months, I like watching everything in HD. The "Barbershop" series is starting tonight in a few minutes, I'll watch it then lay out for a few and get ready for bed....I enjoyed my afternoon with Haze today at the museum. We always have a good time together instinctively, it's when we both start thinking we get into trouble. It's a pity she'll never know how happy she can be with me though...her loss, and mines too unfortunately. I'm thinking about just letting her be with her "new people" and just concentrating on Dee, at least Dee and I would be on a clean slate. She really want to start something with me. I need to be more open to that and stop fixating on Haze especially since I'm no longer her primary thought...dude is. I'm Dee's primary thought but she aint mine due my own stupid thoughts of reuniting with Haze...She's weining herself off of me, slowly but surely.....it shows.

Definitely food for thought this week!!!

2005-08-14T01:24:00.000-04:00

Saturday night relaxing at home...was out all day with Haze, I had a nice time...very light emotionally with no issues. We or me got lost but we got to our destination finally at the Kong Kong Festival in Queens and it was nice I liked doing something different I wouldnt have ordinarily have done. I always enjoyed that about Haze....exposing me to that AND she treated me to a movie as well, "4 brothers" withTyrese & Mark Walberg, it was pretty good. Other than the heat it was a good day and our vibe was good!! Big boy was suppose to come through but is a no show...he better have been smashing, LOL. Dee's at some comedy show downtown someplace with her girlfriends or who knows, a dude, but I wanted to chill. Ahh haa?? Guess who's coming over:-) Umm, yeah Sylver....she's bored and was thinking about me and wants to see the place...Umm, is that a code word?...LOL I'm kinda excited too...damn she looked good the other night. I know I'm not gonna doing anything with this chick but I guess for me its all about knowing I can, we suppose to be just chilling and watching movies....old habits die hard, she's even picking up a large oxtails for me with rice & peas...LOL Yeah man!!

2005-08-13T12:02:00.000-04:00

A quiet evening with Dee last night, she's really making herself at home in here I notice which I like. She's been dying to see me and comfort me since the car incident at her apartment so I made sure I saw her last night. I needed last night at home with her too since this entire week was crazy and she knows just wanted to do to make a dude feel good. Maybe I just like having a woman in here with me doing what women do. I do like it though, thats for sure! She makes my drinks just right too. We were relaxing and ordered Chinese, she had big shrimp & broccoli and I had beef & broccoli, we mix and match and both of ours was really good. Imma keep this menu too, I seem to get new ones every day under my door, LOL How do they get in the building anyway? As I poured her some wine she liked from California Dee wanted to continue watching my movies she hasn't seen yet. She likes all of 'em so far, Black Caesar, Last Samurai, Open Range, Narc & Matchstick Men. last night was Count of Monte Cristo and of course she loved it, LOL. For some reason or another we haven't seen each other too much. It seems like I saw her more when I was "homeless" and she reminds me too, but she always makes up for it even if its in little ways. I like sharing close space with her (most times) It was just a good vibes last night, not too much talking but still maintaining the closeness of "a couple" sharing space. She just left to go home so she can go out shopping later, I wonder what she's gonna buy me today:-) Hey, I buy her stuff too, LOL

2005-08-12T21:53:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking back to last night...a brother ALWAYS running into something or someone. Now I'm suppose to meet Haze and we had made lose plans to go to Pier 17 to see Whodini, but blows me off like Tuesday or Wednesday. My week was already fukked up with my car gettin taken for a joyride by some PR's plus my radio stolen then having to go to Albany so I was really determined to go to the Pier. I get down there earlier to checkout the vibe and it was nice...I was glad I went. I was in a suit and tie but was getting lots of eyes and love as I walked thru the crowd. Whodini rocked all their best joints, I didnt realize that they had so many hits that I liked...prolly about 9 or 10 songs. I actually call Haze to tell her she on my mind as Whodini's on stage but hang up. My gut tells me she blew me off and she's with the next dude so I definitely ain't gonna call and tell her that I'm thinkin' bout her. So as luck would have it I'm sitting down with my head down on the side sipping on a pina colada, two women walked past I see their calves and feet. One says "can I have some?" I look up and it's Sylver...we both start grinning and laughing immediately. Man...she really matured nicely I noticed, looking like she came straight from work. When it came to her, it was something about that smooth chocolate brown skin, she looked even better than I remembered as we reminisce completely leaving her friend outta the convo I now realize, LOL. She says she saw me during the performance in the crowd... she says between those eyes and that walk you can't hide from no one, LOL....Anyway, we want to continue hanging out but she has to take her girlfriend home up in "el barrio". We meet up at Platinum Lounge...didn't drink really, she never did actually, we just listened to music, vibed and hungout, although she's young she's a great girl...I can't believe she's 29 now...damn the things we used to do:-). I know I could have made it happen too if I wanted to, she said she was curious and wanted to see the new spot so I told her this weekend Sat or Sunday depending on my plans with Haze & Dee. Well I got home about 1ish I think but overall it turned out to be a really nice evening.

2005-08-10T02:09:00.000-04:00

Ahh, I'm back home, a lil annoyed but still good though. Still trying to figure out now my car got broken into and the radio stolen but in the back of my mind I dont even care, Im just glad I still got a car since I only have liability. Albany was okay, its a very quiet town but usually all state capitals are. I always wondered why no major city of a specific state is ever the capital of that state...think about it. I was a lil lonely this trip, thank god Cali just happen to call outta the blue. She had me reminising about our own episodes in my hotel room back in Livermore, LOL, but that didnt help because I was still alone on this trip. Actually, I was thinking since Haze was off, she coulda stayed in my suite with me and hungout until I came back. I woulda been nice to have driving company and overnight company. I miss her still. I wonder if I'll see her Thursday. Probably not since she never answered my question via IM. Dee wants either me to come over for the weekend or she wants to stay by me until Sunday. Depending on whether I see Haze at Pier 17 on Thursday will determine whether I lock myself for the entire weekend. I saw her too on my way 125th, I almost lost control trying to determine whether it was actually her or not. She told me it was and had some kinda smart remark.

I am in a dilemma; I dont feel like dating new people but Im very conscious about seeing Dee too much. I still want Haze back deep down and don't want to get boxed into a corner with Dee although we did have a convo about our "friendship" that maybe going out the window now. I will probably need to start dating more. I wonder when she'll realize things may not go the way she's trying to make them go? Anyway, I'm off to JFK tomorrow and will probably work from home Thursday & Friday. Off to sleep.....man my bed is soft and comfy, LOL

2005-08-07T14:43:00.000-04:00

I feel good today...even woke up early, LOL I like watching Sunday Morning on CBS then SC in bed. I like not having much to do on Sunday's, but I will head out in a few to get into something. I need to do grocery shopping and go to Target. I prolly should clean up a lil bit too and finish unpacking boxes...I'll do that tonight after following up on some emails. I didn't even go out last night which was all for the best anyways I like being home and am comfortable. Now that most of my stuff is unpacked it feels like my home and not just a new apt. It's a so much better feeling than being back in the dungeon. I enjoyed the lil cookout/party thing yesterday in Mt. Morris Park on 122th, it was cool hanging out with Cookie again I forget how funny she is...It's been a minute. That was enough of a day for me I didn't need to be out all night too. Besides, I'm sure Dee gonna want to come over when she gets back from her Crabfeast weekend bus trip in B'more....Umm, I dunno MAYBE! Oddly enough I say Haze more than I did her last week. I wonder if she still mad I didn't go with her to Baltimore, shoo its not like she bought that tix for me...I'm sure her and her girlfriends she did go with had enough fun without me.

I really need to start watching my finances more. The realization of paying an extra $800-900 dollars a month is starting to sink-in. Between the mortgage, Con Ed & Ins. which I didn't have at my old spot it's like another rent to pay....mental note to self, be more conservative with money. That's why I'm not even trippin that Romey Rome had a shortie to smash last night, I would prolly spent $80-100 last night if we would have went out. Coulda made other things happen but didn't, I wanted to come home and be home.

It's funny I was just thinking about my doctor visit last week and my HIV test which I take at every checkup. I didn't even have to think about partners, risky behavior...nuffin, not that it ever was an issue but there wasn't any thoughts about me being reckless on an occasions since my last test. I'm changing...I can feel it. For the better too. I'm not gonna focus on this relationship thing too much it'll either happen or it won't, I'm just trying to live better in regards to my interactions with those I care about and those around me. The trickle down effect with benefit me in the long run anyway. I have a lot of past regrets...especially dealing with Haze. I'm gonna take a proactive approach on not have any new regrets moving forward. Well, lemme get myself together and enjoy myself today...I want to plan a picnic...hope she likes it:)

2005-08-05T04:54:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I saw Haze twice this week.... I just left her earlier this evening and we had dinner on Monday. Being around her definitely brought old and not so old feelings to the surface. I really have strong feelings for that woman... she wouldnt even believe that, she prolly still thinks that she was like a side thing or a "just for now" thing. She's crazy!! Monday night was really a nice evening. I picked her up and I could tell the vibe was good, but she wasn't feeling well which is not uncommon. I end up taking her to BBQ's in WH near Columbia since she's thinking bout going to the hospital afterwards. We have a great time...I really love that woman, I know I shouldn't but I do and I miss her. I miss that sparkle. I miss her kissing a sucking my bottom lip too:-) She did kiss me though, a nice wet one too, man she gives me such juice I can't even articulate it well enough to do it justice. We drink and laugh, then cry a lil bit...kinda like an elevator up & down. It's funny how we can just kinda pick up where we left off as if she still belonged to me...but she don't, not anymore. Deep down I know I'd try again with her if she was emotionally up to it...she has no idea how happy I'd make her this go round. Without a woman you really love by your side we (men) aint shit really...If she knew what was good for her, she better take advantage of me before I get her outta my system. I know exactly what I want now. I AM READY!! My wifey, my baby, my paper & crib....a nigga dont need nuttin else, not me anyways......

Dee came thru yesterday and saw the drill, she looked at me and looked at the drill and looked at me again. She's scared to death of a chick who she never met and who at the end of the day dont want me no more...but I understand her uneasiness. I make her feel good, I give her the real watered down version of Monday night's events and it seems to work (prolly not) women are smart...lemme tell ya'. We order in chinese and chill. If I wasnt hooked on Haze I'd prolly lock this down. I do enjoy our conversations and interaction, she's very touchy feely too but its different than Haze, not better just different...matterfact I loveee Haze's touchy feelyness, shit I could live off that...but I digress. I promise Dee Imma spend at night at her crib this weekend, she starts grinning...I like that:-) If its like last Saturday/Sunday Imma be straight....

Tonight with Haze had a lil different twist...probably more thinking tonight vs monday when it was just excitement to see each other. I just really enjoy her company...even if we not talking. But I am a lil nervous though because if we aint talking she prolly thinking and if she doing that it wont be thinking of nothing nice so I have to grin and bare it I guess. Thank god the weekend is almost here I need it...Imma lay around since Im not going to B'more for the Crab Feast Wknd Thingy. I'd be nice if Haze could just lay around with me, but I guess Dee will have to do.....Not a bad alternative:-) Just not Haze!

2005-07-31T16:21:00.000-04:00

I love her feet...I can't even see her face because I'm in babygirl's room and where she is positioned on the sofa I can only see her body from the knees down, but I feel and hear her. She got some cute ass feet...you better keep that up girl:-) She's sitting there with a full stomach between me and the food, lol, watching the "Last Samari" since she's never seen it. She keeps asking whats gonna happen...typical, lol. We had and are having a pretty good morning after a late night down in the Village which was nice actually...the Vill always has a lotta juice on those hot summer nights. After lying in bed half the morning we decided to get up and take a walk down the street to the fruit/veg market. I wanted to buy some flowers for the dining table and groceries for breakfast. I really like my neigborhood, there is such a mixture of people no one ethnic group sticks out and is dominent. It reminds me of the upperwest side in the 90's with all the racial mixtures along with the different stores, diners, fruit markets. Since this is the first time I'm taking a leisurely stroll down 3 blks to the main road since I've officially lived here I took it all as I went to the fruit stand market and Dee picked up the breakfast items next door at the supermarket.

I got a lot to do today so Imma find out what she wants to do...You comin or going home? LNT, BB&B, & Target, plus maybe the batting cage:) I got some messages yesterday too so I got phone calls to return too:-) Imma go up to Westchester as well and say goodbye to babygirl this afternoon. We has such a great day yesterday, shopping for her, the movies, the zoo (she really loves the zoo), it was definitely a day to remember and just us...sorry Dee! Well lemme snuggle for minute and get this show on the road. Nice couple days dude...wish I could put it in a capsule or sumthing.....

2005-07-30T02:57:00.000-04:00

I really, really, really luv my baby:-) I love our relationship. Imma miss her when she leaves on Sunday, we definitely had a great 7 or 8 weeks. Tonight was great too, she's sleeping her lil head away in my bed right now. I took her and Dee to my spot...Edo's and we all had a great time. At first we was gonna go to Applebee's but of course Dee called and used that magic voice of her's, it seems like, and got us a late reservation on a friday night:) Nice man!!! Driving up Boston road catch what felt like all green lights they was singing along Ciara cd that I had playing in the car thanks to babygirl, LOL Ciara, baby??? Ugh, anyway it was fun, LOL. I feel real excitement right now with Dee, yo that chick really know how to make a man feel like a man...I knew from early on she just might be a keeper. Ever since the album release when we talked the vibes have been REALLY good. This situation is just so much better than that old shit and I love the fact that she got her own shit going on but still takes time to prioritize me if I want to be. Otherwise she got enough shit to do. I love the fact that she drives which I didnt think about either, thats what I'm use to...not that old shit. Just a lotta shit when I start to really think about it. I just like that this gotta lot of promise, although Cali be crossing my mind more than a lil bit since we speak damn near 2x, 3x a day, my new baby can and definitely wants to hold me down. Tonight she just moved up several notches on the hierchy list based on the overall vibe and her interaction with babygirl and others DEFINITELY moved down the list....Maybe its just the course of time, maybe its the new apt, maybe it's that lil extra juice I feel again which I didn't think I would. I can honestly said right now that a nigga is GOOD and mean that shit. To top it off, its only gonna get better because babygirl leaving and a nigga can really do his thing now. Dee wanted to blaze me here in the living room while babygirl was in my bedroom sleeping...should I have let her?...lol the old me would have! Its like she can sense it too...its gonna be on and poppin after babygirl leaves:-) It's looking like she gettin a dresser drawer, LOL..hahaha

Romey Rome and I had a nice, long, overdue convo...infact he had some shit lined up for us at the China Club tonight... I cancelled on the way to Edo's...LOL There is time my nigga we still got some summer left dude...we gonna make it happen dude, trust me...boat rides, bbq's, parties you name it. He feeling good about re-connecting and I do too...I miss dude. Damn, we smashed a lotta bitches together, when we together for some reason we do damage at any spot we go to, LOL

Lemme get some rest...I just feel real good right now. I can already tell Imma have a good day with babygirl and a great night with Dee...I got a surprise for her, I hope she likes it. Its only friday night and my wknd is already great:-)

2005-07-28T15:39:00.000-04:00

Damn...I got no will power, LOL. Well, actually I do but I guess I don't need any right now:) A blast from my past came in and kicked the door down tonight. Damn, she ALWAYS look good...I wonder how she does it. I could never be with her like on wifey mode but I always had problems resisting her especially looking like she looking tonight. I met her at my old/re-new bar down the block, I know she wanted to come up but wanted to make her wait and wonder. Umm, she buying me drinks for a change too? Whats that about?...lol Umm!! Dont matter, LOL She make me a lil aggy though when she kept teasing me about Haze. "You dump me for that chick?" "Where she at now?" "See... all that shit for nuffin, I'm still here for you"....She tells me she could been wifey and she'll always be here for me. I believe it too, its funny how loyal a chick can be. The lane was definitely there to smash but a nigga got taken care of and been straight from yesterday and dont wanna get reckless just yet:) I shouldn't have let her up but like I said...no will power, LOL. The ole bathroom trick, I guess it do work huh:) She really, really like the spot...I knew she would, everyone will...shoo, she acted like she wanted to sleep on the sofa, LOL...its the microfiber, LOL...hahaha

Man, I got a lil buzz still and she just left...should I call her this weekend? I hope I dont get weak, LOL

2005-07-27T12:22:00.000-04:00

I'm gettin in the swing of things again...I hung out last night way too late so Im working from home again:-) Dee and I went downtown to this album release party off Broadway, although it got maad ghetto towards the end it was nice for the most part...I liked it, kinda the like the one I took Haze to a while back but just bigger and better. I'm starting my segue into the rest of the summer after babygirl bounces this wknd. I'm really starting to feel good again after last weeks backslide. Dee and I talked and now everything is beautiful...again, its all about timing, atmosphere & the current vibe. I didn't mean to have this convo at the album release but it sorta presented itself so I ran with it. It appears that I got it all wrong about her regarding getting locked down, LOL, she wants to just enjoy the rest of summer like me with someone she really, really likes to be around. I can dig that...I feel the same way. She is really fun to be around and keeps me grinning. Although she doesn't talk about her last situation too much it's evident she respects me and embraces what I am and do more than her last situation...just lil comments here and there say alot. I can tell... she's just a fine ass, grown ass woman who knows how to treat a man...her man, who possibly might be me! She looked real good last night. Umm, I LOVE BEING WITH A WOMAN WHO CAN SHUT DOWN A SPOT WITH HER APPEARANCE & VIBE...She did it at the BBQ and she did it last night. Man, she fine and I got to see her in all her glory too, LOL...Couldn't even wait till babygirl left town. Shoo, I had to run to Target to get sheets...silly me I forgot I had a full-size bed and no queen sheets, LOL. Thank god I did before he headed out:-) We ended up back at my spot at like 3am. It wasn't the animal magnetism and ferocity that Cali and I experienced, but still it was great...what am I saying?, when isn't it great?, LOL. It was soft and passionate, her skin is like melted butter just super soft and smooth. Shoo, I woulda been smashed if I knew she could handle her business like this. Man, there is NOTHING like laying back and having a beautiful nude woman just standing in front of you...Waiting for you to do whatever you please, I love it:) Imma never gonna forget this chick now and she knew it too cuz she said so, LOL "I don't care who or what happens up in here cuz I can tell you thee man, but I wanna give you good memories when you think about your new spot and us". Dee your something else baby...I dunno why I have these occasional doubts because you are a good woman, a really good woman on all fronts. Man, I dunno why you were even on BPM in the first place.

I like being here at home...I really enjoy it, the furniture and otterman are so soft just chilling under the AC watching TV. I think I need more BTU's though, 12K aint enough so maybe Imma give it to Ma Duke. Imma try 18K model. I'm in Skyes room soon to be my den/office feeling good in terms of accomplishments. My home and career are very stable now. I told Haze last week, I felt like we tripped just before the finish line. Our mindsets and thus our relationship would be so much better because this woulda been US doing this together...fresh, brand new with no more baggage about anything. I'm even looking around to see how a bunk well coulda fit nicely in here for "the boys". Oh well...I am still sad at times about what could have been and what shoulda been, but its not THAT bad not anymore now that I'm in here:) Besides I'm wasting valuable emotional energy on her...and for what?!!! 2 mos is enough of a greiving period, shoo, she aint even give me 2 days before she started smashing again so...Let the "Summer of Trev" begin:-)

2005-07-25T14:34:00.000-04:00

Talk about a bittersweet weekend. I move into my new spot, but I'm thinking bout something old...Haze! I slipped all the way down to the bottom of the mountain on friday after speaking to her, just like playing chutes and ladders and I landed on a chute. She is over me and have moved on with the next dude, but I ain't so lucky I'm not there yet to where she is. Lemme tell you my friends...this sucks! Thank god my weekend was busy enough to keep me occupied, IKEA, COSTCO, Home Depot and of course babygirl. Even though I had to endure my lil flashbacks of Haze, I still had a fun time unpacking for a while then stopping as I watched my apartment take form. I wanted to do this alone too. Dee wanted to come over and help but I was kinda afraid I would appear not myself due to my lil flashbacks about what this time was SUPPOSE to be instead of what it is. So I got out of it, told her I was doing too many things and would connect with her later. By Sunday everything looked right. I love my bedroom too, can't believe I spent $900 bucks for a damn bed, but it is nice though. I know it was stupid to do but just in case Haze and I ever re-connected I wanted to make sure she had no issues with the bed. She had plenty with my last one, LOL. I realized over the weekend, especially since our conversation on Friday that a lot of things I did to and with the apartment was with Haze in mind...just in case....

THAT IS DEAD....I must move forward!!

Dee and I gotta have a talk. I know what she wants and I can't emotionally give that to her right now if at all. But first off, we met July 4th weekend, we shouldnt even have to have this kinda talk so soon. Damn, we aint even smash yet! Can we at least do that first? Jeez...Well, thats my fault, it woulda happened Friday, but I was wasnt ready to be around her after the convo Haze and I had earlier that afternoon. I just dont wanna get caught up and one day we up and be in a relationship with this chick. Even though I'm ready for one, obviously she aint the one...right now anyways. Who knows...two, three....six, seven months after Haze has been flushed out the system then maybe I'll be emotionally right and ready but now Im not. After everything she's been through with her ex, I know she sees me as a breath of fresh air but I tell her my laundry's just as dirty as dudes....things are never as they seem, even with me! I should be on top of the world right now. I got a promotion, raise (I negotiated during the new hire process) and a new spot and I'm still like Ehhh! All because of one thing...but that'll change though...I hope, LOL Actually, Cali can make that change...really quick too! Damn I like that chick...She completely consumes me when I think of her or am around her. Not too many chicks can do that! Didn't think of nothing else while there...not even Haze, other that an occasional passing thought...I was zeroed in on her for A WEEK! You gotta have skills to do that and she definitely got 'em:)

Back Home & California III

2005-07-22T14:49:00.000-04:00

I literally drugged myself into work today, but now that I'm here I feel pretty good. Just got off the redeye this morning so you know how that is. My admin is going to Greece for 5 weeks on Monday and we had to straighten out some paperwork before she left. My heart is heavy right now cuz I can't stop thinking about what I left behind out there. Haze had consumed my thoughts all the time up to maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago, but now, its definitely more of a passing thought now verses a longing for, or wanting like before. I have Dee and Cali to thank for that.

Last night was bittersweet, I wanted to come back home because my place but wanted to stay too because of her. She took me to dinner and it was the first time she wasn't full of "juice", but I understood why... shoo, the trip is over and what do we do now. I told her how much she has meant to me in such a short period of time due to emotional condition I was in when I met her...man, she has no idea. I can tell she's thinking about how we can continue this and we're throwing suggestions back and forth which are all valid and exciting too especially since she comes to NY periodically and obviously I'll be out there too. Cali has never done a long distance thing. I HAVE!! She askes if there is still a window of opportunity of me relocating out there and I tell her, there is. Come October or November at my semi-annual Conference in either Ft. Laud or Walnut Creek I'll probably be approached again unless they have a permanent replacement since my counterpart will have done his 6 mos there.

She been hearing talk about my stupid place for weeks now so she is dying to see it and asks when she can come for a long weekend. No work, no conferences just us having a lotta fun for a long weekend. She has no idea how much fun she'll have too. She don't know my motto...treat me nice, I treat you great and she's already treated me great so Im pulling out all the stops for her when she comes. There is a conference in Vegas in October for her job and says all I gotta do is get there and have pocket money, she got the rest. I told her if my conference is in FL, not CA the same applies to her...we both laugh. This is nice! I like it! But it's California...Damn!! Either way until the end of the year though there is plenty of opportunities to see this woman if I really want to. I really want to...LOL I am seriously thinking about going down that slippery slope again....Umm!! We have the understanding that we are both free agents but want to keep this going...for now! At the airport, she gives me a gift (damn she thinks of everything, lol) it's a shirt, a nice shirt and a pair of cufflinks for my "next" big meeting or negotiation. She really understands what I go through at work, only cuz she prolly goes thru the same things. I know its early on with us, but if she lived in the tri-state area....it'd be a wrap for real.

Back to reality...Babygirl, Dee, Ole reliable & the spot. I'm so proud of Ole reliable, she's really a big player now...thanks to me, hehehe...A buyer for a major company, I told her she could do it. She loves me still...I know it. She says "you really can be a real asshole and bastard sometimes but you have no idea how much you spoiled me". She aint even with her boyfriend no more I discover, umm that must be what she talking about, LOL. But regardless, I give her the initial lead for the new job, give her a glowing reference and guide her through the steps & interviews and she ends up negotiating a $500 sign on and $2K extra on her salary...Damn I'm good at this... making deals & advising, LOL. Shoo, she BETTER love me, LOL. I found out she came and got babygirl while I was gone so her and my other lil man could hangout although they do anyway at camp. Babygirl spends the night twice over there while I was gone...I gotta do something nice for her, prolly a gift certificate to Macy's, Im not trying to rack my brain on what to buy her plus I bought this chick damn near everything under the sun already.

Imma see Dee tonight, she knows Im tired and just wanted me to come over and chill. I've been to her apartment before but it was real quick, this time I'm staying. She says we can do something tomorrow night, who says I'm seeing you tomorrow too? I'll play it by ear cuz we are going to IKEA tomorrow and she aint gonna wanna leave my side. I am excited about officially moving in to my spot tomorrow...long time coming. I was thinking coming back that Imma prolly never gonna forget Dee now ever. She is in position to be the woman I experience everything FIRST at my new spot with and it shouldn't be. Haze should be the one, even now I still believe she still is the one I should experienced everything with in there. I still love that woman. But, Oh well...won't let that stop the show & the fun that will begin:) Still thinking about her though!

I read her blog this morning after she told me not to, Alli-fu*kin-babe, what the f*ck is that? Anyway, I had my emotional armor on. Thank god I need it too, (damn she was fukkin & dating alot) it did hurt, no denying that..., but not nearly as much as I thought it would. I knew she was doing pretty much everything she mentioned so this was more of a confirmation, not really a surprise. If I woulda read this a month ago I prolly woulda wanted to jump off a cliff, but now Im so caught up in my own stuff and excitement I'm like Ehhh! well, not Ehhh exactly, I still love her, prolly more than Im willing to admit, but am happy for her and her new situation. I'm sure dude runs circles around me cuz I could never make or keep her happy, and as the wonderful person that she is, she deserves that.

California II

2005-07-21T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm burnt out from these meeting's...its really tedious stuff, man. I'm thinking about Cali so much, shoo most of this shit these people are talking now is going through one ear and out the other, LOL She is consuming a lot of my thoughts and my energy this week and prolly will be for a while. We've been together every night even if it was like last night, hanging out, ordering room service and sleeping in my hotel room out here in Livermore...Well not to much sleep going on, LOL....

Sunday...

This is undeniably one of the best days I spent with someone...Maybe EVER!!! It was so beautiful outside on sunday morning, but before I can go outside I hear noice from the kitchen. Lemme find out mommy is cooking for me...:) Yeap, nuttin fancy though...Biscuits, bacon, sausages, scrambled eggs and some OJ. She offered to bring it to me but I came to her instead. I asked how she was feeling from last night and she was chipper as ever...we drank a lot but it was over like a 10 hr period so we was both feeling good. As I was putting the dishes in the sink she noticed I had a hard-on and teased me a lil bit, so I started tickling her...(didn't know what else to do, LOL) it was still early bout 10ish so we laid back down she put in a DVD...the Vin diesel babysitting movie. Maybe a half-hr into the movie it happened!!! It was like a nuclear reaction went off, LOL...it was crazy! Yeah man, and not the regular kind either, the hot, sweaty, slippery kind where your like insatiable and that's just what I was too. I loved her body, not that it was even perfect cuz it aint, she got lil bitty handles and some stitch marks on her back and side from surgery but I have always found imperfections on a woman's body very attractive. Yo...we literally slid off the bed TWICE!!!, LOL We was trying to kill each other it seemed like, if aliens was watching they'd swear I was killing her. After we laid there and caught our breaths, she asked when was the last time you had sex...I said two months, I asked her the same thing and she said 3 1/2 mos...we both chuckled out loud at the same time and said "no wonder", LOL We looked at each other and laughed again. From talking we both knew it had been a minute for either one of us but the way our reactions were it was jsut hilarious, LOL. We had talked about tests and histories and all that stuff before I came...we prolly both knew it was inevitable if I was gonna stay with her the weekend as we planned so we talked about it.....she's soo cool. There's gotta be a Major flaw with her, there always is. Maybe her ex is waitin out by her car I thought, LOL.

We get ourselves together and finally we head out to the next itinary stop...the black expo's in town. What a weekend to come huh? Nice!! I tell her that I gotta get a bottle of wine for my boy and I wanna go to Napa remember? and she says it's already in the plan baby:) She had a nigga feeling real good on Sunday at the expo meeting and hanging with her and her girlfriends some of whom I met Sat night and at Napa....Like I said it was one of the greatest days ever, at least since I left my vacation spot, LOL.

Dee who???...LOL, Nah lemme stop she called (quite a few times) and made it clear she wants a night to see me this coming weekend:)

Ok, okay lemme get back to work...LOL If Cali ever read this she'd kill me, LOL

California I

2005-07-20T16:21:00.000-04:00

I am here...and have been here all week. CALIFORNIA! Ahh!! Say it with me people...Ahh! Just like when you take a nice long sip of a Pepsi or 7-UP, LOL Ahh! Well, my visit could not have gone better and actually feelin' down that I'm catching the redeye back tomorrow night. She is too. She wants me to just stay the weekend since tomorrow's Friday but she understands why I can't and why I gotta get back. I know this feeling is all because everything's fresh and new but man I like her A LOT! That is a dangerous thing for me right now....cuz I definitely can't do THIS again, but it's funny because THIS is what I thought I was getting when I did THIS the first time around. However, right off the bat I know it's gonna be a good trip.

Saturday...

Although we've been talking since I touched down on the runway, I beat her outside with my bags. She pulls up and almost jumps the curb, LOL (Man, she so crazy n' giddy but in a refreshing kinda way). So anyway she gets outta the car and damn near bowls me over with excitement. Cali was wearing like a sundress, like one of those at the gap running towards me-well half running with flipflops. When she hugs and kisses me I can tell she had no bra on, umm, she's so soft I love that feel and bounce, LOL. I immediately noticed she has light freckles too (cute), how come I didn't notice that before? She a lot lighter too than I originally thought, BM light...maybe it was cuz we saw each other at night times plus the makeup...had to be! After we've pulled off she's telling me how she got her toes and nails done and that's why she's late (typical), LOL She wants to know if I like them...boy, she don't know how much I love a chick that got her toe game tight.

As we get to her apartment the area starts to look familiar, right by the lake just as she said. We get inside and immediately I smell incense and her apt gotta indiany kinda look with the rich fabrics, a lotta red and a lotta cushions everywhere, floor, sofa, wherever, LOL I even gotta pass through an entry way with stringed beads hanging down, like it's a portal into another dimention or universe, LOL. Still very nice and not cheap looking but not at all like I imagined..I was thinking classic contemporary, single professional woman having a swanky kinda place either loft like or like ultra chic...Oh well, not like I care, LOL. After laying around chit chattin, we went the Jazz Festival out in Berkeley not too far from the school...Haze woulda really enjoyed it too, thought about her once I saw the street signs and her telling me about how the street signs change to brown once you enter into the Berkeley section. I loved the Jazz Fest with Cali, Jazz has kinda grown on me in the last yr or so...but, she really got into it and keep asking me if I was enjoying it and I grabbed & kissed her and said take a guess. Damn I'm good sometimes, LOL. I didn't care what we did to be honest but she was doing what she suppose to do so I went along of course...."Remember we have an itinary", she says and gives me a quick peck as reinforcement, LOL. The vibes, music, drinks & electricity between us was nice and at a steady pace all night as she wanted to show me all her lil hangout spots in Oakland & Berkeley. In the meantime and between times I keep coming back to think about the sleeping arrangements once we got back, I wonder if she was too? She's very touchy feely like Haze...I like that...no, I LOVE that. I did make a point to myself to touch more, hold more, caress more, kiss more...more little stuff...I like it done to me and like it done a lot so, what's right is right....I need to do it back, MORE!! I'm not gonna make that mistake again, at least that's something I CAN do something about relatively easily.

Dum, Da dum dum....we come back to her spot. I drove since she a lil stuck, LOL I was a lil nervous cuz she tipsy and prolly gonna wanna smash then with my luck she'll prolly regret it the next day. She says I'm sleeping in her bed and she's gonna crash out in the living room and it does start out that day but doesn't end that way. She knocks on her own bedroom door and comes in, I'm laying out feeling good and watching SC. I turn it off cuz I'm thinking she wants to chat...tipsy people always do. It's just a lil buzz but I can tell she's feeling nice. I'm under the sheets and she lays on top we just talk...about HR, Life, NY vs. Bay Area and our ancestry. Of course she's fascinated with mines and it becomes a quick Q&A session verses a discussion, LOL. She gets in the bed and puts her head right underneath my chin and soft hand on my bare chest...Nice!! I miss having a girl in my life, I miss having a steady...I want my girl to know I don't like tomatoes in my salad!! We fall asleep...

Imma continue the week later.....It gets better...A WHOLE LOT BETTER, LOL!!!

These old ass union officers, especially that damn Treasurer are taking a long as sidebar out in the hallway to go over our proposals. All this time it took to write this they've been out there...Suckers!! They don't even know it yet, LOL!! Umm, lunch is here...dat's wassup!!

2005-07-15T18:58:00.000-04:00

I'm almost ready to go on my trip...I'm so charged up for this trip it's crazy, just thinking bout Napa Valley, SF & Oakland, man I love that area. I'm going for work but to be honest aint thinking bout work and since she took off I'll prolly do half-days while Im there. Cali gotta a whole itinary planned out for me already and can't wait to get there...just gotta make sure I dont go nowhere Haze and I have already been (dont want no come downs, lol). I was considering sending Haze a postcard but decided against it...didn't wanna appear condescending by sending one from her hometown or put the wrong signal out there, besides this trip aint about her and will try to have no thoughts of her while there.....Babygirl wants to see me off at the airport but Dee's taking me and dont want them to meet yet, if at all. Umm, I haven't decided yet if Babygirl gonna come but Dee trying to make it happen....like she always say "anything for daddy"with that damn voice of hers...I think thats how she got me hooked too, LOL. Man, ya' know what, it don't even matter, either way I could definitely get use to that kinda love, cuz right now being that she going above and beyond, she definitely gettin' an A+ for effort...Daaayum!! On the surface she definitely wifey material but I gotta see what's under the surface...I've learned dealing with Haze, things are never as good as they initially seem. So until that time has come I'm still single....AND going to Cali, LOL

I saw my new french doors installed and painted last night...fabulous! Furniture, Big screen, Dining Room set, it's all coming together...I'm broke right now but I love it. Just found out that there's a gym in the building....silly me, didn't even know that until last night when Dee happen to ask the super as we was leaving. Can't believe the super had the nerve to ask me if she got a sister or girlfriend, he thought she was Dominican, he couldn't stop looking in her face... Jeez! I had to tell dude nah no spanish chicks for me! Nigga just make sure my damn plumbing and vents work...dont ask me nuttin bout no chicks, LOL

Where the hell is my $3K reimbursement expense check? My admin's getting a lil nervous I can tell...we had zero conversation today! These people dont wanna see the bad side of me...Its friday afternoon I'm leaving town tomorrow and I need my paper. Ugh!!